Would like to stop needing my mum's approval so much - has anyone else managed it?

[workingtitle]

Does anyone have any tips on how I can stop seeking my mum's validation so much? I'm 27 week's pregnant, and it's brought things to the fore a bit...

I enjoy her company and we spend a fair amount of time together. A couple of examples though- she didn't have a great reaction to finding out the sex of our baby, and I went out of my way to try and win her around but also agreeing with her that it was disappointing, rather than ignoring. At the weekend I was at their house and made a silly mistake cooking. It upset me as I feel like I'm losing brain cells at an alarming pace. I had a bit of a cry (couldn't help it) and my sister comforted me. She told mum I was upset, but mum laughed and just said 'I can see that. I never had this much trouble when I was pregnant'. After that all I could think was 'mum thinks I'm being silly' and I spent the next hour trying to prove to her that I was fine/justifying the tears.

I'm a grown woman about to have a baby. I have a good career, a loving husband and a great circle of friends. But I often feel like a small child desperate to impress her and it can be quite emotionally draining, especially as I am aware of it but can't seem to respond in a rational way at the time. I don't seem to care what my dad thinks, perhaps because his approval seems unconditional.

I do apologise for the mammoth post. This has been on my mind a lot and I guess I'd like either reassurance that it won't always be like this, or some tools to help me respond differently at the time, e.g., learning to challenge her (even though she would never acquiesce).

I've no idea, but if you find the answer, please let me know! I feel like I am in exactly the same situation. I do very similar things that you describe. I also engage in topics of conversation I know my Mum would "approve" of.

I feel so silly sometimes. It must be pretty damaging. I often feel very anxious and on edge, not only when I'm with my mum, but for extended periods after.

Hopefully someone will come along with the answer! Good luck with the baby!

mermaid, there's strange comfort in knowing it's not just me! I imagine there is no easy answer.
Thank you, and thanks for the luck

I think you need to almost close yourself off to her responses for a while, imagine she's your dad! I taught myself to have a very thick skin to my very insensitive DM & to be honest I'm so busy now I have 2 DCs I don't have time (inclination really!) to be bothered about whether Im as perfect as she expects me to be. I'll never forget going to a memorial church service for a family member when my DD was 9months old & I felt fairly good in a lovely dress & she said in a foghorn voice to her friends ' oh LadyB looks such a sight, the weights going but that dress does nothing for her does it? ' bitch. I love her dearly but from that day on I've held my head high & done what suits my own little family. She is very loved but all life does not revolve around her- would that be any help for you OP?

This was also me! I love my mum very much but realise I am a grown ass woman with my own thoughts and my own ideas.

I did tell my mum, "I love you, you raised me to be independent with my own ideas and you did a great job because I don't need your approval anymore nor do I seek it" She was a bit prickly for a little while but I carried on as I was still visiting (I see my parents quite a lot) I changed nothing and she came round. She will still say 'I would do such & such..but you do as you like' which is a sniffy little dig but I let it go over my head.

I still have a good relationship with my mum but I don't allow her comments to bother me anymore. I'm an adult and there will come a time when my very lovely ma has kicked the bucket and I can no longer get her approval even if I wanted it do figured I'd better sort that part out now while I still could!

How do you think she would respond if you told her how she makes you feel?

Workingtitle Im sure your mum love you very much and propobly want the best for you

Dont worry about silly things
Dont worry about mistakes
Concentrate on your baby
I have daughter she is almost mature but sometimes she acts like baby

But Im allways so proud of her
Not allways I would tel her that
But I hope she knows

Workingtitle, what does your DH think of your Mum? And does your sister feel the same as you?

Ah thanks so much all, I wasn't expecting much of a response to my brain dump

LadyB and Titty, I really like the attitude you have both managed to adopt and I could definitely learn something from that. Your mum at the church LadyB - that's my mum.

Cailin, I think she'd laugh at me or just shake her head - she would never waiver on her opinion, no way! Which I guess is fine, it's more about my response and not doing a 180 (360?!) just to try and please her.

Thanks, SheIsAway

I think maybe I need to do some affirmations before I see her, maybe that would strengthen my resolve... "I am an assertive, autonomous woman"

mermaid, my DH is good - he sees it all but does not get involved, which is appropriate I think. He gives me space to talk about it all afterwards, but doesn't have any answers. The rest of my family have similar experiences (and we all try to please mum) but we are very different and I don't think I'd ever talk openly with them about it. Is it the same for you?

OP, I only realised how much weight I still give to Mum's opinion recently, when DD asked if she could get her ears pierced, and my first thought was, 'Whatever would Mum say!'

When DD said almost at the same moment, 'But I don't know if Grandma would like it...', I decided it was time to go and do a bit of very minor rebelling.

Very much so. My DH is, like yours, very supportive, but I think is quite baffled by her. He always suggests just letting it "wash over" me, but that is easier said than done as we know!

I have a sister too, and she feels and experiences the same with my mum, but seems to be able to shrug it off much more successfully than me.

It's interesting that my sister and I have very different lifestyles (in some ways very opposite) but my mum still seems to be able to find fault with us both equally!

Lancelottie - I could so see that happening to me! I'm glad you're rebelling a bit, even if in small ways. I really am determined to.

Lancelottie - What happened with the ear piercing? Well done on the rebellion. I need to take inspiration from you!

It sounds to me like deep down you're hoping that if you're perfect your mother will suddenly change and show you some respect. IMO that will never happen. No matter what you do she will always see you as a child that she can comment on, laugh at and dismiss. Ime that's how some people relate to their children. They just can't seem to see them as equals, so your feelings get laughed off the same way a 5 year old's fear of monsters would. For that reason you've maintained the same dynamic as when you were a child. You need to change that by reminding yourself that you are not a child you are an adult anf though she is your mother her opinions carry no more weight than those of any other fellow adult.

I tried to please my mum my whole life. I was the 'good' child and here to compensate for the apparent deficiencies of my siblings. As I got older I realised this was happening and that it wasn't healthy. My husband was very supportive but we were both at a loss as to what to do about it. We distanced ourselves geographically for a long time and I could cope with extended visits (in both directions).

But the only thing that cured this and has taken the oppression of it away is that my mum died recently.

Well, DD is getting her ears done next week . Might do mine at the same time!

Sorry, your mum was DISAPPOINTED at finding out the sex of your baby? And then TOLD YOU? You are allowed to feel however you want about the sex of the baby but seriously, everyone else including your mum has got to keep their opinion to themselves. You are allowed to be angry at her for being crass and insensitive.

I think you need to look up the traits of narcissistic mothers and see if the shoe fits. Maybe not, I'm not sure.

And ask yourself, whatever she does, 'Would I have done/said that to her?' Look at your own moral compass for bearings.

Same here, my mum died too. I don't think there's any way I could've changed things when she was alive, she would've got all offended, not spoken to me for days and I'd have caved in and apologised ( most of the time I didn't even know what for!)

I read a book by Harriet Lerner (the dance of Anger) and she recommends discovering a bit about your difficult relative's past. So perhaps your mother had a v critical mother, or an embarrassing mother or unsupportive parents or whatever, and that is why she is the way she is.
Thus, it is not you which is the issue but something from her past which has resulted in her being this way. So you don't need to prove anything or seek her approval, instead you might feel sorry for her because of her upbringing which caused her to be this way.
So, does she have sisters or brothers you could speak to to ask about her childhood?

Would you say you have been encouraged by your mum to become a separate individual or has she been overly involved in your decisions, over protective and reluctant to give you freedoms, or given disrespectful reactions when you voice a differing opinion?

It often happens that our parents don't cope well with allowing their children to separate from them into a separate adult so conciously or unconciously they adopt controlling, manipulative behaviour often in very subtle ways to keep the relationship stuck in the early stages where the little child seeks their parent's approval. This only works if the child allows it. You have to find your own way of maturely asserting your independence from her and standing by your own decisions and beliefs because they are every bit as valid as everyone else's.

Her behaviour is unlikely to change as she is very used to her opinions being treated as law so she will continue to give them whether you want them or not. The only thing that can change is the way you manage your response to her and this you can do with plenty of practise and a dose of courage. It doesn't mean you have to be rude to her - it's about listening to her opinion and mentally processing it as just that - an opinion not the truth. Then if you disagree and want to do things your own way have the courage to calmly say so - you don't have to give lengthy explanations to justify yourself. With practice you will get the hang of it and even get a bit of a buzz out of making strong statements and now and then shutting her up! You will get like plenty of opportunities over the next few months as there will be many issues regarding the baby that you will disagree on! However, mums can be an invaluable source of support and I'm sure yours will be too.

My mum is quite toxic, so my experience may not count but when I realised that she was irrational with her approval I let go.

I didn't see if you said anything about tr sex of the baby but when my niece was born she told my sis in law, 'now you will know how horrible girls are'.

Thanks mum.. I am her only daughter.

Have a think about whether or not she keeps moving the goal posts. If she does then you may want to look at the stately homes thread. If she doesn't then have a think about if they are very old fashion values. Ones so out of date that you would almost endanger the baby. If that is the case you can start the conversation that way.

Either way. The only approval you need to have on your death bed is your own. Sounds a little morbid but you need to be able to live with yourself at the end of the day.

And it sounds like you can.

I used to find that it helped to practise role playing by myself using made-up scenarios or real life situations that I could have gone better and saying what I felt I should have said either into a mirror or at a photo of my mum. I felt a bit silly sometimes but I found that just by hearing myself say short assertive statements out loud, it became much easier for the words to come out in real life. Things like "it's my decision" or "I'm a grown woman I'll handle it" or even just "no". I found that keeping the statements short made them easier to say and more powerful too.

I also stopped telling my mum so much about my life and feelings. This was hard but I realised I was fuelling the problem by giving her too much information and she would interpret that as an invitation to interfere!