Help! feelings for xp

[confuzzledagain]

I'll try not to waffle on too long..

Split up with xp last year after a few years and 2 dc together. In general we had a very volatile relationship; we loved each other very much but our communication often fell down, in essence we really did fulfil the mars/venus stereotype as we just couldn't seem to see where the other was coming from. This led to huge arguments (xp has a frightening temper at times and I suffered with a bit of postnatal depression at the beginning of last year). All the fights/bad environment wasn't good at all for the dc. So after a year of bashing our heads against the wall and being thoroughly miserable, me and the dc left.

Fast forward to this year and we actually get on much better; we've got into a good rhythm with visiting at weekends and the dc are happier than ever (though I do worry about them being a little confused..) and I'm back to my old self. Xp has for the first time had some proper counselling about his anger and his (what I call) control-freakery!

About 3 months ago, I started seeing someone, the first one since xp. He's lovely, kind, patient and affectionate...I've kind of been out with enough people in the past before xp to know he's a solid, good person, and I really do fancy him. I'm just seeing how it goes as was so bruised all of last year and obv. I don't want to rush into anything because of the dc and all the upheaval. But he says long term things already which is weird for me to think anyone is into me that much as my confidence was pretty much on the floor last year!

The only issue is when I see xp I still feel a lot for him. Its questionable if our relationship was a 'toxic' one or not; he was pretty dominant, a bit of a fathering type role I guess in the relationship so I did feel a little bit controlled. In a weird way that sort of suited me as I can be away with the fairies/head in the clouds and a complete dreamer at times so his grounded, sensible stance on some levels actually fitted well.
The feelings I have when I see him are complex; it's anger (that we couldn't make it work), regret (that we're not all together and a happy family), attraction (he's still the same person I fell in love with and had children with), bit of longing (I want to hug him), more anger (I don't know why)
He's said a number of times that he wants us all to be a family together. I just thought I was doing the right thing by moving us away...

Question is, as the father of my children, is it normal and expected to still have some sort of feelings for him. Or am I being completely unfair to new p? I'm guessing people may say I should be on my own and I'm probably doing a disservice to both. I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm riddled with guilt as it is.

Sorry - stupidly long post!

Yes it's normal to still care about the father of your children... same as you'd care for anyone else you'd once been close to. However, you know for a fact that you're incompatible and, reading what you've written, it was probably 'toxic' in the emotionally abusive, controlling, manipulative sense. A man with a 'frightening temper' has no place in your life. For your own benefit, therefore, you can't afford to see this man as anything other than part of your past and you should consciously avoid being in contact with him more than is strictly necessary.

The second thing I'd say - and you don't ask about this specifically - is to keep the new boyfriend more at arms length than you currently are. Freshly out of a bullying/abusive relationship and with your self-esteem low you are vulnerable to someone else with the same controlling traits. These men don't wear 'I am a controlling bastard' t-shirts and they don't have two heads. They are often kind, affectionate and seem normal.

If you don't want to rush and 3 months in he's already talking about long-term stuff then he's simply not respecting your wishes. Yes, it's flattering but I would strongly recommend you take a step back, find some self confidence from within rather than relying on a man to provide it, and take more time to enjoy your independence and rebuild the family for your DCs

Thanks Cogito.

I needed to hear that. Specifically re: the emotionally abusive/controlling aspects of the relationship. It's so easy to gloss over and forget what it was like, particularly now we're getting on. I need to keep that in mind and, as you say, keep contact to the minimum.

I can be naïve and take people at face value (head in the clouds thing!) so I do appreciate that I need to be cautious with new p. Must admit he has given me no indication of any controlling behaviour and seems to be incredibly laid-back, but it's early days. I didn't think that about xp when I met him if I'm honest! And I know I've been quite vulnerable. I've had a sort of uneasiness in my stomach the past couple of weeks and I think it could be because it's moving a little fast. Thanks again

You're welcome. If this new man is as nice as you say, he'd have no problem with you saying that you'd like to take a rain-check & you're not ready for another heavy relationship. Listen to the uneasiness in your stomach for once.... you owe nothing to anyone, it's OK to be single, and people should love you for who you are, warts and all, rather than pushing you into anything you're not comfortable with. He's not even a 'new P'... he's just a boyfriend. Easy come, easy go.