How much love do we all really need?

[Sortofkindoflikethis]

I think I just need a bit of a boot up the arse for what is really a first world problem. I just don't really love or fancy my partner. There. I've said it.

We've been together for 13 years, and, since the first time we had sex (drunken on my part), when he was just so happy and grateful and telling me he loved me, I've been waiting for my heart to go pitter pat and it just never did. The sex has never been great, and nowadays, I have to fake orgasm even when he goes down on me, so I tend to feign tiredness a lot just because I can't be arsed and I find it all so frustrating and depressing.

We can usually manage to tick along ok...he isn't remotely abusive, is a hands on dad to our DS, is incredibly supportive to me most of the time (though he's not a saint), and we've always been able to laugh and get along ok most of the time. To the outside world we probably look like the perfect couple, and in many ways I know that I should be very very grateful to have him for a partner. I think I'm just feeling down about things as we've been bickering a lot recently (probably both of our faults), which blew up a bit this morning.

Part of me can't help thinking "is this it" for the rest of my life. Could someone just come and tell me that life isn't all beds of roses and being swept off your feet by prince charming, that there's nothing wrong with staying with Mr Nice, instead of wondering where the hell Mr Right went?

don't know.....I went for Mr Abusive and would kill to have what you have....but that does not mean that it is enough or right for you.

I would just be careful that you do not jump from allright to lonely, or not allright. The grass is not always greener. and I don't believe in Mr Right, there must be many options out there who are compatible with each of us in different ways.

Do you think your current relationship could be improved? Eg sex therapy, relationship counselling, more effort on both your parts? Or do you think you settled early on for someone who was never going to make your heart sing?

As you say it's a first world problem....but you live in the first world.

Another thought would be...is your life fulfilling in other ways?...we are always going to fall down if our partner is responsible for too much of our happiness/fulfillment, is your life rich and interesting or mostly drudge and compromise?

There's everything wrong with staying with Mr Nice if it's insincere. There's no guarantee Mr Right is out there but that's no reason to keep Mr Nice on a string, letting him waste his life thinking you love him. It's dishonest as well as cruel.

Also, just because you're single, doesn't mean you are lonely, and in this relationship OP you are probably a lot more lonely than you realise...

And I agree it's not fair to keep him hanging on when he could be with someone who does love him.

I think we all have 'Is this it?' moments. I know I do and I was madly in love with my DH when we married and would describe us as pretty happy most of the time now, after 11 years together and two DC.

The bit that worries me about your post though is that you never were madly in love - or lust - so no wonder you feel the way you do. Most of us settle into the routine of married life from an initial high point - but it sounds like you didn't start on a high. You started with bla and now you're wondering what the hell you're doing with this guy you're just not feeling it for and never have - and I'm not surprised.

Have you ever felt"it" with another partner? If so, was that relationship healthy, I.e. not abusive, lots of mutual feelings? If yes to both, then you may want to move on.
If no to the first, then the world may never move for you no matter who you are with.
If yes to the first and no to the second, you may need to learn to respond to nice guys & could have an unhealthy attraction to bad 'uns.

Moanranger I have been in mutual lust a few times, and in love once. That relationship didn't work out, but we remain friends, with no residual feelings so I know things can be better than this.

I don't think DP would say I've been dishonest with him. In his heart of hearts he knew at the start that he was more into me than the reverse - he'll still make comments when things are bad like "you don't really love me". When things are good, I can manage to convince myself that I do in a way, and of course I'm fond of him, but there's no passion/attraction.

Fool you are right about needing to fill my life elsewhere - and I do try to with other interests etc. I'm working pt around looking after a 2yo, and have been looking for ft work for awhile, which would give me a bit more brain space away from "being Mum". Most of our bickering tends to revolve around childrearing techniques, which anyone would have with a 2yo at times. Part of it could be the summer holiday blues as I look at 6 weeks of no nursery!

I think I just need a slop around the chops for what anyone would expect a 13 year relationship to look like by now, even if it had started off more mutually passionate. The idea of ending it would be impossible - partly because I just couldn't do it to our son, but primarily because we just couldn't afford it. Not very romantic, but there you are.

I can't really give you any advice, because it goes two ways. The grass might not be greener, but this is your life and you should be happy. I just hope you find the strength to make the choice

"In his heart of hearts he knew at the start that he was more into me than the reverse - he'll still make comments when things are bad like "you don't really love me". "

That's one of the saddest things I've ever heard. His self-esteem must be on the bones of its arse or he'd have walked a long time ago.

Yeah, that does make me sound like an utter shit, but the truth of it was I probably continued the relationship at the start because I didn't want to break his heart, and when I wavered a month or so in it nearly did. It still would do, which is another reason we are where we are. Most of the time things are good. Just no fireworks...