Confused and worried - contains triggers

[LollyPop87]

I am very scared about posting this. I just don't know where to turn and I am so confused.

I will just try and write it all down, I am scared people might judge me. Sorry if it is long.

I was in a relationship for 7 years which ended 2.5 years ago. I think I can confidently say it was abusive, mainly emotionally, never physically, although there were threats of physical violence.

It may have been sexually abusive, but I do not know. This is why I am confused.

I find it hard to write about. I'll describe what happened, this may contain triggers, I am sorry if I say too much.

Quite often, I would go to his house. We would nearly always be upstairs, as his family liked their own space.

He would cuddle and kiss me and that was ok. But after a while I would want to stop, so we could do something else (chat, watch a film etc).

I would pull away, he would carry on. I would stop, he would carry on. I would suggest watching a film, he would agree, then carry on. I would ask him to stop and he would. But then he'd ask me if I'd do things like check his back because he had something sore and wanted to know what it was. When/if I did, he would act as though he had been turned on by me touching him. He would say he was sorry, but he was now in the mood. Id say I wasn't, and that we'd agreed to stop.

He would say o.k, but then would act increasingly frustrating, reaching out to touch me, acting as though he was trying to stop himself but couldn't.

This would go on for ages, literally hours at a time. If it got to the point that I had to leave to get the bus, he would beg me to stay longer. If I refused, he would sulk, and say that he just wanted to spend more time with me. (I always noted that, if we had already had sex, this did not happen).

At some point, I would get fed up, or really want to go home, so I would have to give in. I would often turn my face so he couldn't see me crying when this happened.

I hated it. I would ask him to stop, and eventually he would, after asking me if I was sure a few times. Once he stopped tho, I would still have to do things to him till he was finished. He would carry on with the routine described above if not.

This happened every time I saw him at his house.

So, I never said no, or fought him off. But I didn't want to.
I don't know if he realised what he was doing. He would probably appear shocked if I confronted him about it now (not that we are in contact at all).

I am with a lovely, caring, perfect man now. He is so caring and I love him so much.

We have a healthy sex life, but three times now I have become upset and had to stop.

This happened last time. It was triggered by a bit of pain, which I do get some times since the above situations began to happen. I didn't ask him to stop, and he would be devastated to know that I became anxious and didn't tell him. I just didn't want to bring it up.

He doesn't know what happened. Noone does. He knows I was in a bad relationship, but no details. I am not sure what to do. I want to feel normal. I dont want to have anymore flashbacks or worry about it.

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting about what happened.

I worry about it alot and often get flashbacks. But I am probably overreacting.

Sorry for the long post.

Am I overreacting? Was this actually sexual abuse, or not?
What should I do about how I feel? I want to talk to someone but don't want to burden anyone.

Thank you so much of you read this. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

(I've got to pop out soon, so might not be able to reply straightaway).

That should say 'act increasingly frustrated'.

Yes, it was sexual abuse. I'm sorry.

Just knowing that and acknowledging it may help, but you could maybe consider counselling if you think you need additional help.

If you are absolutely positive that your current DP is not abusive in any way (and not just an improvement on the previous one), it's something you can talk about and he can help you work through, but I wouldn't advise it unless you have an established history and significant, proven levels of trust.

Thank you so much for your reply. I think it is something that I struggle to accept. It helps to know I'm not overreacting. I feel like it gives my feelings some validity.

My current partner is not at all abusive in any way. When I become anxious, he stops immediately and tells me he loves me. Its being with him thats made me realise how wrong my last relationship was.

I didn't tell him last time because I wanted to get past it ,but he did stop anyway, as he realised something wasn't quite right. I trust him 100%, I just don't want to burden him.

If he loves you, he won't see it as a burden. Would you see his past demons as a burden if he confided in you? However, in telling you make yourself vulnerable to that information being used against you if he's not who you think he is. How long have you been together?

You are definitely not over-reacting. The sort of behaviour you describe from your X is a constant erosion of your boundaries and bodily integrity. It's very sinister, because not only is it physically invasive, it also skews your perceptions. His display of wounded hurt is very manipulative and immediately makes you feel bad for his abusive behaviour. It's damaging.

If you don't want to seek counselling, have you thought about writing all this down? Try to remember each incident, how it made you feel, how a decent person should have behaved when you moved away, etc. You don't have to give it to anyone and could destroy it when you felt ready, but I think you may find it useful just to get it all out there. Working through it could be cathartic and a way of taking back control of your boundaries and feelings about sex.

Yes it was abuse definitely. It absolutely does not matter if you never once said the word "no", you gave very clear messages that you didn't want sex and he wore you down until you felt you had to give in. He would have been totally aware you weren't happy but he didn't care. The fact you felt he didn't notice you crying speaks volumes about he treated you - for a person not to be aware their sexual partner is crying they have to be very disconnected and uncaring. Also the threat of physical violence would point to an abusive situation. A man doesn't have to actually hit you in order to coerce you, just knowing that he might is often enough.

Would you consider counselling to help you to deal with this?

To add, I agree with Dahlen that you should tell your DP but only when you feel totally comfortable. I know from experience how hard it is to tell a partner something like this. Be aware that his reaction might not be perfect - it's hard news to take about someone you love and he might need time to come to terms with it. However, with time he should be caring and totally supportive about it. If he ever uses it against you or brings it up in an inappropriate situation (eg during sex) then that is a huge red flag and you should reconsider your ideas about him. Over time and with some experience I've found that while it is good to tell a partner about this, so they can be aware of it and know why you might have difficulties because of it, it might be hard for a partner to know the details as it can make them very self conscious sexually for fear of hurting you. IME it's better to talk to a friend or counsellor in detail.

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. I was so scared to post so is really nice to be getting such supportive responses - thank you.

I would definitely feel comfortable telling my dp, I would like to really, because it would help abit to explain the reason why I act in a certain way during certain situations.

We've been together for two years and live together. We know each other inside and out really, apart from this detail from my past. He is incredibly supportive and understanding about any worries that I have and I know I could trust him 100% if I told him, I have no concerns about that.

I just worry that it would upset him. Or as Cailin says, that he might be worried of hurting or upsetting me. So if I do tell him, I think I'd just tell him the bare minimum, unless he wanted to talk about it. I just don't want it to be on his mind.

I would like to get counselling to help me deal with it. I've thought about it for a while, but then think I'm overreacting and should forget about it. Its hard to forget about though.

I have a few questions about counselling too, if anyone could advise me id be very grateful.

Firstly, how do I actually get counselling? I know that sounds abit silly. Do I go to my doctors? Or do I pay for one. I haven't got much spare income, but if I were to pay, how do I go about it?

If I went to my doctors, am I right in thinking I'd have to tell them my reasons for wanting counselling? I also imagine id go a fairly long waiting list

Secondly, I know its all confidential, but if I told them something, and they thought he had broken the law, would they go to the police? Or would they have to keep it confidential, even if they somehow discovered who I was talking about (which would obviously be extremely unlikely).

Would they encourage/expect me to go to the police of I told them anything that they thought meant he had broken the law? I really don't want to.

I don't think he did break the law, I'm not sure. Its all just so jumbled up in my head. But even if he had, I don't think I could face it. I know thats probably wrong of me, I'm sorry.

I think if did get counselling, I could also use that as an opener to tell my dp. So that I could make it clear that it was something I was dealing with personally, but wanted him to know too, as my partner. I don't want him to feel like he has to counsel me about it himself.

Given what you've described, I don't think you'd be under any pressure to go the police. Counselling may explore how you felt about that (some historic rape victims feel better for reporting their rapes even though the odds of getting a conviction are minute), but you won't have to. Unless there is a safeguarding issue because children or vulnerable adults are involved, confidentiality will be upheld I should think.

You can access counselling either privately or through your GP. You're right that there will probably be a waiting list to access it for free via the NHS. You could also try contacting rape crisis. I don't know if you're ready to acknowledge your sexual abuse as rape, but even if you're not rape crisis is an excellent first port of call who will be able to advise you on your next steps and how to access counselling. They are also confidential. IF you choose to take private counselling, they will be able to point you in the right direction to choose a good counsellor.

Hi Lolly firstly I hope you do not mind my commenting on this as I am a man, but yes it was certainly abuse. not only physical but also mental in that the manipulation has left you uncertain of what the boundaries are and you have carried it into your present life.

Talk to your dp, I think he really needs to know, not only because he is probably feeling like he doesn't know what he is doing that is triggering this response, but also because his actions sadly will turn into a form of abuse without him realising. Hard to explain.

Try a support group, speak to someone.

FYI- when I spoke to my current partner and said - I had been abused as a child, she turned around and said "me too" and just like that big things vanished - 5 seconds later we started talking about the theatre.
So years of over pleasing, dormatting and insecurities masked by successful career, alpha male polo,fencing etc etc washed away.

Of course its a slow process but the first thing is to remove the 'dirty little secret' thing surrounding it. and I bet after this post - it's started to lift.

Good luck.

Hey Lolly, I'm really sorry to hear about your past relationship. As everyone else has said it absolutely was abuse.

I would definitely ring Rape Crisis, they have good people you can talk to. It's not just for rape it's for any kind of sexual abuse/assault including historic. And no-one will pressure you to going to the police, it would be very difficult to prove anyway.

You could also go to your GP and ask for some short term counselling sessions. I'm not sure how much this varies by area, but generally they give you about 12. The waiting list shouldn't be too long. Make sure to ask for a female GP at your practice.

Your new partner sounds lovely & you should tell him when you feel ready. He may have sensed something anyway and feel relieved that it's not about him. I don't think you can be having sex with someone, getting flashbacks and not tell them. If you can let him into your physical body, you should be able to trust him with this information.

Sometimes guys react by going a bit ott & wanting to 'kill the bastard' - but he should calm down. (He doesn't sound like the type tbh).

One of my best friends was raped violently when she was 21, and she got PTSD & used to get flashbacks & panic attacks. She's had to tell all her bfs & they were all very good about it, she's not had a bad experience.

As far as i know a counsellor will only break confidentiality if you threaten to harm yourself or someone else. They would never force you to report to the police.

Dahlen's idea to contact rape crisis is a good one - they'll poiny you in the right direction.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I really do appreciate everyone's support and advice.

I wish I could just deal with it by myself. Because I feel like, compared to what some people have gone through, it really isn't as bad as it could be. I feel like I should just get over it and that my feelings are an overreaction.
I'm trying to accept that I don't have any control over these feelings and that I am not choosing the feel like this, which helps.

I find it hard to accept that it was abuse, even though I think accepting that would be a big part in getting some help.

Thanks again for all the advice.

Another one here agreeing that your local Rape Crisis should be a good first port of call. They will offer a telephone listening service, and possibly face to face support, either individual or group, all free. You have been through a horrible ordeal, and I do wish you luck and all happiness in the future. X

Thank you. I had a look for them online, and they do seem a good port of call. Id just worry because a lot of the things they describe on their website are worse than what happened to me.

I'm not sure what I'd say if I called. Its not something I've ever talked about out loud with anyone. So I don't know how it would come out, or how I would phrase it. I think I'd be really scared. But I will try to build my courage and phone them, I think they would be very helpful.

I just don't want this to have happened, I would love to just forget about it and not have to deal with it. But I think I'm slowly starting to accept that that just isn't possible.

Thanks again.

Update - I told my dp last night - I am so glad I did. I was so scared to say it, because I have never said it outloud before. It took me forever to say but he was so patient, he just held my hand and waited for me to say it. Once I had, there were a lot of tears (from him). He was very upset that it had happened.

I didn't give him any details but said I would answer any questions he had. He's chosen not to ask anything right now, which is more than fine. He said he had an image in his mind and didn't want to make it any clearer my getting more detail, which I completely understand.

I feel terrible that I have caused his this worry and upset. He said he was glad I told him though, he said it broke his heart to think I'd kept it to myself and nevwr told anyone.

He was very supportive of me getting counselling too, he said he thinks its a really good idea.

I'm so glad I told him. I feel like a weight has been taken of my shoulders and I dont have to carry around a big secret by myself anymore.

I just hope he's ok. I don't know how to support him in processing it all, because although he said he had a feeling already that something had happened, I think hearing it was a big shock.

Thanks again for all your advice, getting such understanding and supportive advice from here gave tlme the confidence to tell some in real life, so thank you.

Really pleased for you that it's working out well. You'll soon be able to put this in the past for good I'm sure.

Well done. Your dp's reaction is exactly what i'd expect from a decent man.