Dh and petty lies.

[Treesurgeon]

Have been with dh 18 years. We have 3dc including a baby. Dh is a loving, kind and hardworking. We have had a few difficulties lately, mainly the stress of family life and work and because he has a habit of lying to me.

Not huge lies, but lies that I have found upsetting including things such as soft porn, not acknowledging boundaries and other trivial things. I am 100% sure he has not had an affair and never acts inappropriately around women. He has just lied about silly things to avoid confrontation.

Things have come to ahead a few months ago when yet another lie occurred. Since then he has worked extremely hard at being open and honest. I think he realised his marriage was on the line and is doing everything to show he has changed. It is difficult to rebuild trust and it is something that can take a long time, as you question the little things. However, I believe we have been making good progress. Little things like saying he has left work when he hasn't has stopped.

Dh is due to go away on business soon to the states. A couple if times I have asked when, how long for. He has said about 5 days (I need to know so can plan accordingly). I've also asked who was going and he stated he wasn't sure.
I noticed tonight on his work laptop that a dates have been proposed and he is likely to be away for 10 days and that it will be him and 2 colleagues. One of whom is lovely and attractive (and single). He corresponded confirming dates etc.
When he mentioned the trip again last night, I asked him the dates and he said 5 days and that he wasn't sure who was going. It seems he is lying as only a few hours early the dates were proposed for 10 days and his attractive colleague would be going too.

So it appears he is lying. Probably because he knows that I will be annoyed he will be out if the country for 10 days in the summer and by lying about his colleague going I suspect it is because she is attractive and wouldn't want me to know at this stage. I suspect he will confirm the dates and then eventually say that the trip is to be extended and his female colleague was decided last minute.

I don't have any problem with him being away for 10 days (except more work for me at home!) and I don't have any problem with him going with his female colleague. It is dh who makes the problem by lying about it. I don't know why he does it,

I know this is so trivial, but the lies are damaging the relationship. I think I should sit back and see how this trip unravels. See when he gives me the details if the trip. I cannot put up with lies. If I ask a question, I expect an honest answer. It all seems so silly. What do you think?

Hmm, I wouldn't categorise not acknowledging boundaries under 'other trivial things' to be honest.

He's a habitual liar who has obviously paid some lip service to you when he thought things had reached breaking point. If you cannot put up with lies, the only way you can show it is to action it. Talk is cheap, as he has already demonstrated.

" I don't know why he does it"

Because it's his standard way to avoid any kind of potentially awkward situation. That makes him very immature and untrustworthy... however lovely he may be otherwise. The argument that 'I lie because you might get cross if I told you the truth' is a complete non-starter. As I tell my DS (who is only a kid and therefore has to learn this stuff), I may be annoyed if he tells me the truth but I will be far angrier if find out he's lied to cover it up.

I don't think your DH has learned the lesson from last time. Ask him straight... 'how long are you going for and who else is on the trip?' Give him one more chance to give you a straight answer. If he persists in lying, then you tell him that you know differently and that, while he's off on his trip, you'll be serious thinking about whether there's any future in the relationship. Make the bugger sweat.

OP what kind of boundaries does he not acknowledge?

Doesn't sound trivial to me. Why on earth would he lie about the single colleague? You either trust him or you don't. Tbh if he lies like this all the time I'd have difficulty trusting him.

I've been in relationships where the other party lies about everyday things and it led to me just not believing anything they said in the end even when they were telling the truth.

Oh just re-read and saw you don't have a problem with the colleague. He sounds quite immature then just to lie for no reason.

Well what I would do is wait until the details of the trip - the ten days - are finally given to you, look him straight in the eye and say no.

'No, I'm not going to be available to cover ten days - you said five days. You said it repeatedly. You said it very recently, by which time we both would know that the details of the trip would have been finalised. So I'm willing to hold the fort for five days, six at most. What are you going to do?'

You then offer for him to show you his work correspondance, in order for poor old last-minute-messed-around him to prove to you that this awful surprise extension to the dates has been dropped on him at the last minute.

When he blusters, you say that you think it's best you do see the email conversations, because you're annoyed and suspicious now, and you don't like to suspect him of lying to you again when you're sure he hasn't.

If it were me - when this plays out and the inevitable shitstorm hits, I would then actually dig my heels in and refuse to cover ten days, in whatever way needs to be done (I assume childcare). I would tell him that this was the end, that I was totally sick of living with a liar, and had decided not to, anymore. So he's either gone for 5 days as agreed and is then back, or it's ten days, in which case he's a liar and can not bother to return at all.

But that's me, and I absolutely wouldn't put up with this treatment: it's horrible, corrosive of your marriage and your respect for him as a person, it makes him someone who cant be trusted on the big things either - a liar is a liar.

Boundaries such as searching for women online. Stuff that I don't think is appropriate within our marriage. He agrees his behaviour was wrong, made no excuses except that he got carried away by the accessibility of the Internet. It has been a very difficult time, but we have talked at length about being honest and upfront and trying to rebuild trust.
Regarding his single colleague, I have no suspicions at all. They are friendly, same age etc. He mentions her sometimes as they work closely, but I do not feel there is anything of any concern. I suspect that the reason he has lies is because of his previous behaviour on the Internet and doesn't want me to think he's swanning off on a business trip with an attractive woman.
I have no issues with this, but just concerns me as to why he would lie about it. He will eventually come clean, but it will be last minute and due to 'final changes'.

I agree that it's not good.

I have known a couple of blokes like this in my time. Lie for the sake of it, because it's just easier in the moment.

It's all too tempting I know, to write it off as relatively harmless, as it's so trivial....but the problem is, that he has learned it's worth lying because for every one you catch him out on, he'll have told you dozens you swallowed.
He knows that statistically it's worth the gamble.

He'll never stop lying. It's innate to him now...and therefore you can't hold any stock by a single thing he says.
So it's futile.

Sorry.

But that's it - you ask him to show you proof that its 'final changes'.

You know that not only can he not, but that his mails show that he's lied to you again.

So you smile and say you won't be made a fool of any more - does he want to take his five day trip, or does he want to take a permanent hike? :)

This kind of response is the ONLY way you might knock this on the head.

Thanks jim. The issue is the lies. I don't mind whether its a 5 day trip or 10 day (apart from the extra work load for me). Work is work and these things happen.

Why lie to me about his colleague going (or say gr doesn't know when actually he has a very good idea who will be going).

At what point is enough?

I would ask him again one final time and if he still lies, then pull him up immediately on it telling him you know the truth.

And the reason why he lies is because he gets away with it - I would ask him to go away and give you space to consider if you want to be married to someone who is a liar and has no respect for his marriage or for you.

What do I say when he finally tells me his attractive colleague will be going too?

The response you need to any of these answers is 'so why lie?' Why hide it? Why be secretive? Why go back on the lesson he's supposed to have learned and revert to being deceitful and untrustworthy? It's not about the colleague or the length of the trip, as you say. It's the fact that he can't look you in the eye and be honest about something trivial, which naturally leads you to think it's more sinister. Personally I couldn't live with that.