Feeling worthless

[Mellany]

I'm trying so hard to move on from my 3rd abusive relationship, I can't help feeling like I'm worthless and just not good enough. Everyone tells me how beautiful I am, how intelligent and what a lovely person I am, so why can't I seem to hold down a relationship?

I spent years in a violent marriage, only to move on to 2 further controlling relationships, at 10 stone I was too fat, at 6 stone I was too skinny and disgusting, I seem to attract guys that cheat on me, yet accuse me of talking to other guys, I currently walk with my head to the floor, in case I give the wrong impression, I get called names and taunted, my latest partner has finished with me again, but usually when he is feeling horny likes to meet up, tells me all the things I want to hear then tells me to get lost. The stupid thing is, I lent him quite alot of money before we split, he keeps promising he will pay up, then ignores me again and tells me he will sort it another time. Only I have 2 children, I don't have a lot of money and have worked really hard to earn that, I just feel like I can't let go until its sorted, but he's not prepared to discuss it, as he has more important bills to pay. He says that I'm just being dramatic cos he dumped me.

Me snd my children have already been through so much and lost everything after my last abusive relationship, where we ended up in a refuge.

I feel like I can't move on and I'm now driving myself crazy, how do I get over this. I just seem to see a way forward.

I'm so sorry.

How much money does he owe you?

£300, I know it doesn't sound alot, but it took me a long time to save it.

Talk to CAB about the money he owes. See if you can take him to small claims court. You can't afford to be in contact with him directly because he clearly manipulates you into having sex (I'm guessing) and that's terrible for your self-confidence. I think you've posted about this before and it's really not your fault that you've chanced across these abusive men. You've simply been unlucky and chosen men that on the face of it seemed normal, but then turned out to be abusive.

Something else you can do is look up the 'Freedom Programme'. It's especially for women who are survivors of abusive relationships and they will help you understand the dynamic. The one important thing to learn is that, once you've spotted that someone is not what they appear to be, it's OK to tell them to piss off. As you're going to do with the most recent one.

I know I can take him to court, I sent him a letter before action, which I had to do legally, he got really angry with me and told me to go and f myself, he said he couldn't believe I would do such a thing.

I did post something previously and started to feel more positive, then the contact starts again and it brings me back down, he tells me he's so glad he dumped me and calls me names, says if I involve anyone else in the money matter, he will def fall out with me, then he tells me to leave him alone.

I feel a mix of anger towards myself for bring do stupid and resentment towards him for treating me this way, but I know I only have myself to blame.

Problem is, I've gotten back into the texting cycle with him again and although his messages are abusive, I just can't stop trying to make him see sense. He says he wants to give someone else the chance now, cos I don't make him happy. I feel so stupid.

I think you need to give up on the money, go no contact & block him straight away.

I know that will feel like he's won and its a lot of money, but every day you stay in contact is a day further from you not giving a flying f* about him any more.

That needs to be your goal and you will get there. Cut your losses and break free.

Mellany - I agree with Diagonally. I'm sorry about your money, but I think you need to move on from him and leave the debt behind.

I know £300 is a lot to you but forgetting about it is a small price to pay for getting this manipulative bully out of your head, off your phone and out of your life. Do you have friends or family IRL that you could go to for support.... help you stay away from him?

Well, at 1.15 this morning, I received a message telling me that I was a f*ing evil c**t and that his mum is ill.
I don't know why, I have messages back but no response, I feel so saddened that someone I cared dearly about could treat me this way.

After all your kind words and support from my sister, I have now filed for the small claims court. Now I'm just going to try to cut contact, but it is so hurtful, I wish it didn't have to be this way.

I think we've all had the experience of caring for people who didn't deserve it and yes, it's sad, but it's their loss rather than ours. People like your exes can only keep hold of a partner if they manipulate, frighten and bully them into sticking around ... I think that makes them pretty pathetic tbh.

Glad you've gone small claims court but don't 'try' to cut contact. Just do it. If you have to, change your SIM card. The more distance you put between you and this abusive no-mark, the less he'll matter.

I was going to suggest, when he contacts you again say, "You know what? Since you have no intention of repaying me, the money was worth it if you get lost and stay lost" then hang up. Change your number.

The hold he has on you isn't the faint possibility he might return £300. It is that he weaselled his way into your affections and bed and in spite of you giving, all he does is take. And the tiny bit he spun you was enough to make you hang on and persevere in spite of the selfish vindictive crap he dishes out. You don't deserve that from anyone. He should be grateful you shared time with him. Who does he think he is.

Hold down a relationship with these inadequate losers, you must be joking, good riddance to selfish pricks who pretend to be what they're not just to reel you in.

You might want to send him one last text telling him that you will call the police to report the harassment if he contacts you again. No texts, no calls, no visits in person. Agree that you should change sim card or if that's not possible at least block his number.

He sounds truly awful.

Thank you all so much for all your kind and supportive messages, generally I'm quite a level headed person, unfortunately I seem to make silly mistakes when it comes to matter of the heart.

You have all really helped me, so thank you x