Checking DPs phone....

[fifi669]

I actually have a great relationship with DP, we've been together 2 years and he's accepted my DS as his own. We're TTC now, he's thoughtful, clever, funny, loving and extremely attractive IMO. He's pretty much perfect!

Thing is, I check his phone.

Relationship before (DS biological father), was a hopeless flirt which drove me crazy. My fears were justified as I saw messages to his ex wife about his morning glory and thinking of her (whilst I'm upduffed), then fb messages to various women once he'd left.

DP is nothing like the ex. So why can't I just trust him? I'm 98% there but every now and again...

He is aware I do it. He says its ok, but feels like a kick in the teeth.

Anyone else have a nose?

Wellt he first thing to say is that if he's aware you do it, even if he did do something dodgy, he would know to delete the messages, so it's worth trying to convince yourself it's pointless, to wean you off.

It can be really hard to trust. I found out that when we very first got together, my DP had stayed the night at his ex's place by checking his email. It meant I checked them all the time for years, even though this is the only thing that ever happened and I understand, in retrospect, what was going on and why it happened.

The checking made me feel paranoid in itself, as if the act requires you create the emotion.

You will never have certainty. That is the terrible, crippling thing. But faith is better. Love is better.

Also, bear in mind, that many people who are irrationally jealous and paranoid about their partner's activity are projecting their own fear and urges to be unfaithful. Think about how committed you are to the relationship and whether part of you is putting your own feelings on him.

I'm 100% committed, I wouldn't be TTC otherwise. I think of us as long term, hopefully the forever kind. I have weened myself down to prob once monthly.... It was pretty much EOD

Can honestly say that i never look at my partners phone.Dont even know how to navigate it or make a call on it.He uses twitter and allsorts and i dont read them either.i dont need to look as im not looking for anything.Just stop looking.Youre comitted but theres some doubt about him as a partner there or you wouldnt search his phone.Hes not your ex,he deserves not to be accused.

Do you think having a baby is a good idea after just 2 years together? How old are you....is it a case of time running out or maybe you thinking the relationship will be stronger if you have a baby together?

Would you feel more confident if you married? It might show you he was prepared to commit himself totally to you.

I'm 30. It's not a case of time running out. We were friends 5 years previously so know each other really well.

We both have children born in 2010 and don't want a big age gap between them and the next child. We wouldn't be TTC if we weren't happy together.

Marriage is something we talk about often, he wants to save before we get engaged so that we have the funds to get the ball rolling. Prob within the year.

I don't accuse him of anything, I felt like a right mug last time and don't want to be taken for a ride again.

Our friends would say he's the last guy on Earth to let anyone down. I've literally never heard a bad word against him.

You dont need to check his phone hun,read what youve wrote to yourself.Stop checking it and give yourself a break x

If it were your partner posting here, as a woman, the advice would be overwhelmingly not to have a baby with such a man.

Your partner sounds lovely and you don't have any reason to be checking up on him. It's good that you realise you have a problem with this and want to stop and good that you are doing it less frequently.

Have you considered counselling to help you discuss the issues you have with trust? It might be helpful to speak to someone about your feelings from previous relationship and how they are impacting on your life now. I only suggest it as often it is hard to break these habits alone and some support might help you to deal with your fears, which you know are not actually a result of your current situation.

I never thought about counselling. Isn't that only for serious issues?

Yes I do. Purely because I'm nosy and he doesn't care if I look through it because there's nothing on it I shouldn't see anyway.

limited miss you're right I don't need to check his phone, it is completely my issue. I've always had a jealous streak and when it was all confirmed with the ex I guess it just pushed my over the 'normal' line.

DP is really good about it really. Just has a bit of a sad face occasionally when it comes up. Apart from that we're great and even argue.

Think I may have to just go cold turkey to stop the madness!

Barely even argue that was meant to say!

Yes go cold turkey and dont think about the phone.Maybe youll always have as you say a jealous streak but hes giving you no reason too and eventually it will annoy him,he sounds like a nice man and hes your man.Enjoy your life with him dont let this cloud over it.

Fifi - in terms of counselling it can be for "serious" things or it can just be a place to speak to someone and work through your thoughts - often much easier to do with someone like a counsellor as opposed to friends/partners/on your own. Things like CBT can be really useful as well if it is worrisome thoughts that you struggle with (e.g insecurity and trust). I think some people think of such things as admitting defeat - I view them more as a way of learning skills to support you through life I be happy. Just something to consider