What would you think..

[BicBiro]

..if you found a lighter with pink hearts on it in your DPs car when he doesn't smoke? and then when questioned says he doesn't know how it got there?

If that was my DP, I probably wouldn't think anything TBH, but if your suspicions are roused that probably says something in itself.

I'd think he was having crafty fags, mates lighter or one he picked up in the pub

Well i would think well surely you can work it out from who has been in your car?

I'd think one of his mates or a colleague or someone he's given a lift to has dropped a lighter in his car.

But I trust my DH and it wouldn't even occur to me to post on here asking about this.

So what's the background... What's really going on?

I'm not sure. I got together with my DP against my better judgement as I knew I needed more time alone to 'find myself' and also he was only 3 months out of a 7 year relationship (his ex ended it and he tried to get her back). so he chased me and I gave in against all my instincts regarding both our readiness for a relationship.

now I just seem to be completely paranoid and suspicious, and unable to relax. do you think this could be arising as a result of ignoring my initial instincts about the relationship? I feel like there's a danger around every corner at the moment and can't get perspective

oh and the paranoia manifests itself as thinking he's cheating.

How long have you been together?

Him 'chasing' you and not respecting your boundaries when you said you felt neither one of you were ready, is a red flag I'm afraid. I'm not surprised it's set up other doubts and anxieties.

Have you asked him (as casually as possible) whose it is?

Lighters don't mysteriously materialise in cars, they drop out of other people's pockets. I agree with everything Dahlen said above and wouldn't be at all surprised if he was still chasing the ex.

Getting together under the circumstances you've described will have done nothing for your self esteem.

He was only single for 3 months and really wanted to get back with his ex?

You probably feel a bit like the booby prize and I doubt he's been doing anything to change that, given that you're freaking out about a lighter.

How long have you been together? Why do you feel that being in a relationship where you're a paranoid wreck, is preferable to being single?

2 years. the first 3 months were great and he thought I was the best thing since sliced bread and then after that I felt like his interest dropped a bit. or normalised, however you look at it. and my paranoia got wires and worse.

I don't think he's chasing his ex. she refused to take him back each time, before we met. she's engaged to someone else now. and she doesn't smoke (we've met).

I do feel like the booby prize. but I feel like it was if my own making because I knew at the time it wasn't right. I was avoiding my loneliness through him, so can I blame him if he was doing the same? but I feel like I've got in too deep and can't get out. and i feel like I'm trying to prove it can work and hasn't been a waste of time (I know, I know)

I've asked him both calmly and uncalmly about the lighter. it wasn't down the side of his car but in the thing where you put change, so full view. he said he didn't know and he'd see if was anyone's at work. then he came back and said no one thought it was theirs.

The lighter really isn't relevant any more though is it. The point is this relationship isn't right. It's not nourishing you in any way, you don't feel loved and special, you feel like the "booby prize" and are so stressed out you are suffering from anxiety.

There's only one solution to that. I wish you all the strength you need to be able to do it. I'm pretty sure that the anxiety will ease and you'll feel more positive and in control of your life. Good luck.

thanks. I know I have to end it. the worst thing is I feel like I totally sold myself short by agreeing to see him in the first place, so feeling that he might be cheating make me feel even more worthless :(

Why should it make you feel worthless? It's not because you're worthless it's because he's not worthy of you. The fact that you've realised this and you're thinking of moving on just shows how much you can rely on your instincts and that you have the courage to acknowledge a mistake and take steps to extricate yourself from a difficult situation. You should feel good about yourself, not bad. You're taking back the power.

Your thread tells you everything you need to know. Who cares if he's cheating? Your well rid of him, if he is then shes welcome to him as for you, you are strong and independent and don't need him, he's the booby prize not you.

Forget the lighter, forget the potential for cheating.
Only try to turn it all right in the end, and be kind and honest about it.
X

You're not the booby prize. You deserve far better hence the reason you are ending the relationship. He sounds like a complete twat. Let him get on with it with Fag Ash Lil and don't even give them a backwards glance...

aw thanks. you're all so kind. I'll do it tmrw. not wasting any more time