Anxiety and Toxic Sibling

[Stardust123]

I would be interested to hear from anyone who has experience of anxiety, my anxiety basically started when my sister lost her husband, i started experiencing chronic anxiety and worrying that I was going to have her in my life more than I wanted and I was going to have to look after her when she was ill etc. (she's always moaning about her health problems). She has a toxic personality, moaning, miserable, negative, rude, homophobic, racist, (although she has one or two good points) Sounds mad to a lot of people. Struggling lots with anxiety. Cut contact at end of April,(after a period of on and off contact), didn't feel too bad, felt I was getting better, then she sent gifts for my daughters birthday which made me feel SOOOO bad with a card saying how much she missed her - does anyone think this is manipulative? I don't think she means to be the way she is, she's just like that and whenever I have challenged her, she says well thats just the way i am and i won't change, and this anxiety you have is not my fault and she doesn't accept any responsibility for it. I am struggling a lot with obsessive thoughts about this person (which is a trait of anxiety) and struggling with accepting anxiety, my decision, the future (how am I going to live with my decision) - everything. I don't want her in my life and need to achieve the peace that others talk about on here. I felt I had to cut contact to prevent future anxiety but it's hard, I think based upon my upbringing that family always have to be there for each other. Would really like some help from people who have gone through anxiety based on toxic people. She doesn't actually make me feel that anxious when i am with her, I just dreaded her visiting, future problems, felt like all the moans and groans were going to be there for ever and don't at all enjoy her company, so I don't want to go back to it. However, all the anxiety says about facing your demons to recover, but others say keep away from stressful situations and negative people. Help anyone ? Thanks. x

I think you have posted this before somewhere here? I don't think a person can give you anxiety disorder unless it is actually abusive, and what you describe sounds like anxiety disorder. If you are happier without her in your life then reduce contact but maybe hold off from cutting her out as that might increase your feelings of anxiety as it's a difficult decision. Maybe her losing her husband triggered something for you rather than that she has caused this change in you. Perhaps seek a therapist to talk it through with.

You anxiety appears driven by fear... in this case, that she'd be a bigger part of your life, miserable moaning and being rude. All of those negative qualities might make someone a PITA and you might experience annoyance, irritation, exasperation as a result. You might not want to spend much time with them. But it shouldn't result in anxiety and obsession. Does she ever go on the attack? Bully you? Intimidate you? Criticise you directly? Do you feel inferior to her in some way?

What strikes me is that, the more you stay away, the bigger the anxiety gets and it only takes a small trigger... a birthday present in this case... to send you off the scale. That sounds almost like a phobia.

If you had anxiety/fear response around any other trigger you would not be advised to avoid it, you'd be encouraged to go the route of controlled exposure, building up your confidence and reducing the fear. She's right in a way. You can't change her personality. But you can stand up to her and, rather than being frightened & hiding yourself away or sucking up the negativity, be assertive and express your annoyance. In short, telling her to take a hike.....

Hi Stardust,
You have done really well in reducing contact and then going no contact since April...well done! The gift to your child was a trigger that has caused an emotional flooding of bringing it all to the front again. Please don't kick yourself about this...it has only been a few months and circumstances will come up that will have to filter though your new set of boundaries. It is hard and takes a bunch of time and practice, practice, practice.

and this anxiety you have is not my fault and she doesn't accept any responsibility for it.
Throw it back on her:
She misses your child, that is her problem and you are not responsible for it.

Just like you are not responsible for her happiness.
You are not responsible for her health.
You are not responsible for her lonliness.

Stardust - I think you feel guilty because you don't want to have contact with her right now and perhaps you feel responsible for her because she has lost her husband. So you feel even worse about not wanting contact as possibly you feel she has noone else?
If this is the case I can see why the guilt will play havoc with your emotions. You will feel anxious. If she's not nice and doesn't bring anything good to your life then you don't have to have her in your life just because you feel sorry for her over losing her husband. You have to think about you. If it stresses you out which makes your anxiety worse then you have to think of self preservation .

What's your childhood been like? Do you get on with your parents? I think an unstable background can cause anxiety and then OCD, which I have. It can lead on to OCD if your really stressed. Mine seems worst with OCD when I'm stressed and anxious. Obviously there's many other reasons. Eg relationships, work etc. I think too much stress can lead on
to OCD. Are you under a lot of stress or pressure at the moment?

I suppose my answer is I think sustained stress from different avenues especially emotionally charged eg family, relationships over long periods of time leaves you in an anxiety state that makes the OCD much worse if not triggering a bout. I've noticed this with myself.
I haven't spoken to my mum and dad for a few weeks and my OCD is better than it was. So what does that tell you? My parents are like your sister negative, moan, create issues when there aren't any, attention seeking behaviour its draining , guilt trip me, plus I have put up with I would say bordering on emotional abuse from my dad mostly and also mum with her manipulations and lies for years. This whole situation has been emotionally draining and still is really but I've felt a bit better since not speaking to them for a few weeks.

Also forgt to say I think it's the anger and frustration that built up in me with my parents. Nothing changes. They don't change and they never ever say sorry. They just do what they like. Never accountable for anything they do whatever wether emotionally abusive or not. Personally I can't live like that as its made me poorly. I think over time it erodes any control in your life and confidence in yourself away. I'm not going to sacrifice my life for theirs as I just feel being around them is draining and it gets to you over time.

The anxiety you feel is yours. It sounds as though you have built up a fear of her somehow.

It appears that you feel as if your feelings are out of your control, or are triggered by her.

Correct in some form, but not a helpless situation by any means. You can do something about it.

It takes time and effort, perhaps look at getting some CBT counselling to learn to direct your rampant thoughts and bring them back down to manageable.

Bottom line is that your sister isn't someone you enjoy spending time with, and one how adds nothing to your life.

Take the step back you need to take, regroup and strengthen yourself.

Stop feeling guilty about putting yourself first!

:)

based upon my upbringing that family always have to be there for each other

This rings bells for me. But what it actually meant was that everyone was obliged to provide support and a sympathetic ear for one in particular pia disaster prone family member, who always needs help.
I also got anxiety symptoms when my mother was no longer able to manage at home alone. For past family history reasons I just couldn't bear the thought of having her with me all the time which caused huge guilt and anxiety feelings.

For me the anxiety was a panic due to feeling hemmed into a corner and forced to do things I knew I didn't like due to guilt.

But, like your sister and everyone else on the planet, you are fully entitled to do what suits you best, what makes you happy and to avoid anything that causes you distress.

As Hissy says stop feeling guilty about putting yourself first!

Thank you all. JustinBsMum - how did you get through the anxiety, are you still in contact with your Mom ? Thinking that you know what I really do not want this person in my life, but it's not helping my anxiety. Guess I perhaps have to give it time and maybe get some help, counselling, cbt maybe. It was her husband dying that definately set off my anxiety, I just thought Oh God !!!! Thats it, I'm stuck with her miserable moaning cow, then I'll have to look after her when she's old etc etc etc. Then months of stress when she was arguing with her son, and it was always a drama when I phoned her about anything. She loves to talk about herself and her problems all the time. Also, very critical of others, and the way they live their life. When she was in my company I changed and just sat there and listened instead of probably saying, you know what just shut the hell up. ! Of course now I have cut contact, I feel like the worst person ever and my anxiety has gone up over the past few weeks as I'm revisiting my decision to cut contact. Why can't I just make a decision and stick to it ! I don't even know whether cutting contact will end my anxiety in time. I just don't know what else to do as everyday is a battle with anxiety. It's the most god awful thing, particularly the obsessive thoughts.

Well, my mother passed away last year. So that solved that! But the problem was that I had always been the capable one in the family, the one who could sort everything out. Which I am not at all, it's just family dynamics that cause these things.
Anyway, if I'd had my mother living with me I would always have had to put on the act of always being in control, always fixing any problems, and never having any issues myself. I couldn't bear the thought of always being like that (because of course I had problems and worries the same as everyone else). And got panic attacks at the idea of it. Anyway mum went into a home which was for the best, but I did feel a lot of guilt about it.
But I also have a pia DB. He is the one who always needs a sympathetic ear, advice and guidance and even financial help. And I was the one who always got landed with helping him out. However, recently I have been less sympathetic and the upshot has been that he is much less of a burden and actually sorting himself out a bit. I think my mother passing away has helped as she isn't there to fuss over him. So if you can be a bit less tolerant of your DS she might change her behaviour with you and look after herself more.
I can definitely identify with your feeling responsible for your DS now her husband has died. But don't get involved. She is an adult and it is not for you to carry her through life. Concentrate on your own. And, like the relationship with my DB, your being more distant might prove the catalyst for a better relationship with your DS sometime in the future.

A bit late, sorry, but thank you all for the helpful information. Still suffering with anxiety, although not in contact with my sister. Anxiety is an absolute bitch and I hope I can find my way through it, nothing seems to be helping at the moment. Feel like all my rational thinking has gone out of the window on this particular topic. Would a counsellor help me deal with the feelings of guilt / loss at ending the relationship do you think. I'm having CBT but last session didn't go too well, I was asked to write down my thoughts. As I am having these constantly, got myself into a messy panic about how varied the thoughts are. However, i keep being told that the thoughts are just anxiety thoughts and not real. I guess I'm just really confused. Never had anxiety prior to this and as thoughts are about my sister only, how can the thoughts not be about my sister ??

Ive just read your thread OP, and started to feel quite uncomfortable. I'm in a very similar situation, family dynamics had me cast as the cheerful one who would fix any problem etc. I have always been prone to anxiety, panic attacks, but my family continued using me, exploiting my accommodating nature. Both my parents have passed away and I miss them terribly. But now I feel alone in dealing with dsis.
My dsis has ms and has always tried to use it to get pampered and shirk responsibility. She has always refused treatment of any kind and feels entitled to enslave anyone who gives her an inch... She has 24 hour care now and I visit her perhaps twice a month. She never asks how I am or actually gives a toss. She will always try to get me to do jobs others get paid to do... I have detached.
I realized the guilt of not seeing her would put me in a state of terror, never mind fear. So I don't call her anymore on the phone or pick up her calls. I text her and she texts back. No more panic attacks.
When I visit I listen to,her moaning but offer NO ADVICE. This would be held against me. So one less stressor.
I keep an eye on the clock when seeing her and won't give her more than 2 hours. It's too draining.
I can see now she fares quite well without me, is actually quite resourceful and has loads of energy to do what she feels like. But she never stops trying to make me feel bad. I know now I can't change her and don't use up my own resources to try and fix her.,its her life.
Try to find a level of contact that suits your upbringing, maybe call on her while "passing her neighborhood" to keep visit really short. Bring dd along to call but stress the time limit.
Good luck xx

I am also in your sitation, Stardust. My eyes are a bit full of tears atm but will try to come back to you. At least you know you are not alone. Maybe we could have a "toxic sister" quiche.

Anormalfamily - in my dsis' case it is recurrent skin cancer. Not helped by recurrent use of sunbeds.

maybe your anxiety is actually about enforcing boundaries and your sister is the one person who pushes yours?

i don't see why/how she could be expected to accept some responsibility for your anxiety disorder as you seem to expect.

is there anyone else who you have to say no to and push back from you other than her? i mean apart from people you can easily cut off without re-contact because they're so peripheral.

Hi Stardust,
that the thoughts are just anxiety thoughts and not real.
By coincidence, during the time I was seeing a counsellor, I was stopped by the police and got a ticket for an expired state inspection. As we live nearby the police headquarters, I see police cars frequently. I told the counsellor that I would have feelings of them watching me because I must be doing something else wrong again. She said that was "left over anxiety" from when I got the ticket. Of course, I was not doing anything else wrong.

My counsellor helped me see that my emotional numbness and challenges with making social connections with people were very much related to left over anxiety in adulthood that originated as very real anxiety in my childhood from neglectful parenting. My experiences in the past (especially when I was a child) do not need to drive my experiences as an adult in the present. It just does not have to be that way.

I hope this idea of "left over anxiety " can help you. I do think it would be a good idea if you could talk to a counsellor. It can help get down to the whys of changing how you think, not just...ok, change how you think, iykwim.

Please do not feel guilty for making and upholding a boundary. Her behavior made it necessary for you to protect yourself. You did not kick her to the curb. No guilt.

Have you ever designed/made a quilt? That takes some focused thought (and helps me not think about my toxic sis so much either).