Everything is perfect - but we are never going to have a sex life

[speakers]

I've posted before under this name.

Everything is perfect in my life - two lovely young children, house, etc. etc.

But DH has no sex drive and suffers from impotence - he just isn't interested. Isn't ever going to be. It's been over a year since we last had sex and that was under duress. Recently I tried to initiate sex but he just didn't respond - he said I was over-ambitious.

I can't go on like this, I feel like I am going mad.

I've been married before - even when we were in the middle of divorcing, my ex DH and I were having sex every other day. Sex has always been a big part of my life.

Our sex life was fine to start with but after a few months it ground to a halt. I have always been hoping "Maybe it will change" because he is great and I love being with him - but 10 years down the line and I am still here, feeling like I'm obsessed by this.

I'm so angry with him all the time. This is just eating away at me.

I've thought about Relate but we don't have any family or babysitters and I don't know how we could do it. And it isn't going to change him.

I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of this.

What are you prepared to do? If he isn't going to change, and you have lived with 10 years of this already, the future doesn't look bright. How much do you value a sex life?

Would you be willing to leave, start over?

Or maybe have a relationship outside of your marriage?

I think there was another MNer with a similar problem, maybe someone will be able to link it for you.

MN is a great place to explore and discuss your thoughts and feelings, there is such a wealth of experience and support and especially honesty.

Any chance he'd be interested in doing things "for you" irrespective of his impotence etc? (As in, oral sex etc?)

Is there any chance he's depressed or otherwise ill? Lots of nasty things can cause impotence, among them diabetes. He really should see a GP, at least.

And yes, Relate is a good idea. There are always local babysitters, you just need to ask other mums for recommendations. Relate can't wave a magic wand and fix your DH, but they can get you talking properly about this, and help you figure out what you want to do.

Does your DH know how important this is to you?

He's seen GPs/consultants - we've done all of that.

Yes he will do stuff for me but it is depressing when he shows no interest himself - I feel like I'm asking him to do the laundry or something.

I've looked up my local Relate but for the initial assessment the cost is £129 !!!! (for one joint session and one session for each of us) That's BEFORE any counselling. It seems like an awful lot of money.

I thought the cost was tied to income?

Maybe you can get counselling through the GPs?

The cost probably is tied to income but even so we would have to pay full whack and that's a lot of money - plus babysitting.

We have tried counselling years ago but to be honest it didn't really help us. It's very hard to actually find a GOOD therapist.

What do you really want to do speakers?

i think the cost of going to relate is minor compared to divorce and everything that comes with that - loss of relationship, children having a pt dad etc (im not judging or anything just offering a point of view)

im not married and i dont have your problems so im not trying to say its def the answer. all i do know is when i have had problems in the past counselling has definately helped.

Has he tried hormonal therapy? Could be due to a lack of testostorone - see your GP.

I sympathise with your situation, I can only imagine the feelings of rejection that a lack of sex must cause. However, I do think you should spare a thought for your dh. It is often very hard for a man to come to terms with impotence, because it makes him feel like less of a man if he can’t sexually satisfy his partner. And seaking medical advice is like an admition of failure. I would imagine that your dh perhaps said you were being too ambitious because he knows that he can’t live up to your expectations, and every time you approach him, every time you tell him you want to be with him, every time he does things for you, it’s like you’re reinforcing the fact that he’s unable to “perform”.

I’m not having a go, honestly I’m not, but I think that there are two injured parties in this relationship, and your dh is possibly hurting just as much as you are. I would sit him down and talk to him about how you feel, but try to be open to his feelings too, and try to explain that you know it must be difficult for him as well. Just think about what you’re doing if you get divorced. Do you want to give up all the positive things in your life, and become a single parent for the sake of a physical relationship?

What was the out come at the GP's. Maybe he needs to go back again.
Does he know how you are feeling and are you fully aware of his feelings.
Would he let you go to the gp with him as support.
You've been with him 10 years there must be something keeping you there,you have to decide together the direction your relationship is going to take.

speakers - you could be me - and there are a few of us around here! Am going out tonight but will hopefully get some time to post properly tomorrow!

I was in a relationship like this on and off for 7 years. On when I decided I could deal with it, then off again when I just lost it and decided to find someone else. We never married or had children so eventually I ended it. I don't really have any practical advice, but just wanted to let you know I had been there. I think some men are just really asexual. I also rather suspected that my ex-p was a latent/repressed homosexual.

Am surprised that you are rejecting Relate on grounds of cost. To be honest around £40 per session with a highly trained therapist doesn't sound that much to me. Also, what price a good sex life? If you are unable to pay this, then whatever, but if not, surely it's worth considering?

We spent several years doing the rounds of consultants/GPs - his testosterone was very low but without a baseline of previous years it's hard to know what his normal really is. We tried testosterone injections and patches but it didn't make any difference. In the end we just sort of gave up on that side of things.

I'm not rejecting relate on grounds of cost really ... just not sure that we could cope with the counselling thing again. We've had two lots of counselling on this issue and it just goes round and round. I'm not sure it can really help when we are so different. I would try it as a last resort.

wannaBe1974 I know, you are right. It is not just about me. It is hard though when his way of dealing with it is just to carry on not having a sex life, which I think is really his preferred option.

How long did you have counselling for? Were you both really invested in counselling?

I may be on my own in this opinion, but I suspect the quality of the counsellor makes less difference than how much each of you is really interested in change.

Another point worth noting: Relate can also help you have a good divorce, if that's the right option for you. (I'd certainly understand if it was.)