Bugger, we've really offended MIL and don't know what to do

[Catsby]

20mo DD is going to stay with BIL and SIL next week for a few days, and MIL is now really upset because we haven't asked her to look after DD. The problem is that MIL is just not up to looking after an active toddler, physically and mentally/emotionally. We thought she realised this, as whenever she is around DD she's very hands off, even though we always make it clear that she's welcome to do what she'd like i.e. nappy changes, sitting with her while she eats, staying for bath time etc. But apparently not.

DP has a tense relationship with her anyway, though not to the extent that he/we want to remotely limit her interaction with DD, so he's now frustrated by her being upset (which yes, I know is not ideal). DD staying with SIL, who lives ten minutes away from MIL, was the compromise as she's more than capable of looking after an active toddler.

I don't really know what to do. I don't imagine there's a nice way of saying 'you're not capable of looking after a toddler' without offending her even more?

Apologise for not asking her, explain that you didn't ask because DD has been such a handful recently that you just thought it would be unfair even to suggest it as you knew she would want to try and cope.

Sweeten the pill, with a request for her to stay over and babysit one night, when you plan to be back late.

We'll have to find a good way of apologising

The one time so far she has been alone with DD when DP and DD went to stay with her, she got into a real flap and called DP back from being out after being alone with DD for about half an hour. Which was sort of how we worked out that she wasn't going to be capable of looking after DD alone, certainly not until DD is old enough to do a lot more for herself. Babysitting isn't particularly possible as they don't live too close and she doesn't drive, and following the meltdown before I don't think she'd manage to put DD to bed. But even babysitting once DD is in bed might make her feel better...

But the 'handful' idea is a good one, thanks.

Agree with Ipsissa - think of an event in the next three months where you want to/could sphnd like you want to be out late - wedding anniversary? Mates birthday? Wedding? And next time you talk to MIL say you'd be meaning to ask - would she mind doing xxx as SIL is doing this weekend. Seems more like you're asking them both, just for different events.

You could also ask if she'd help SIL with some specific things over the few days & say you thought SIL would appreciate her help/cooking skills/bedtime reading/ whatever she's into.

SIL might not be so keen on that idea though ...maybe check with her first, before volunteering MIL assistance!!

Oh dear this sounds like you're going to be on the receiving end of MIL ultra sensitivity whatever you do OP.

What I think I'd do in your situation is to arrange to go somewhere with DH that doesn't involve too much distance or too late a return time (even just to go for a drink somewhere) and ask her if she'd babysit for you.

That way you can get DD to bed before you go out and if she calls you in a flap you won't be far away and she won't be spoiling a special evening out.

Sounds a bit silly to have to go to that sort of trouble to appease her, but if it keeps peace in the family and makes her feel she's needed it might be worthwhile.

You haven't offended her, she has chosen to take offence. There is a difference.

She probably can't admit to herself that she is not capable of looking after dd and she's probably angry about that. Not your fault, just the reality.

Sorry but she has.proven that she cannot handle a toddler in the past. Of course you arent going to leave dd with her overnight!

Could you have her over for the day one time? Then you could, say, pop out to do a shop while MIL stays in with DD, and she could help.with bathtime/bedtime, then you and DH could go out for a few drinks, local?

Catsby

What is the precise nature of the tense relationship with his mother anyway?. (This may also go back many years. Does his mother always want her own way all the time?). Do you yourself find her difficult and prickly?.

I would also have to say that if she is too difficult for the two of you to deal with, she is also too difficult for your defenceless and vulnerable child.

Its his mother and she has chosen to throw her toys out of the pram; let her stew in her own juice. Your job is to protect your child from people who really do not want to or cannot look after her properly; you state she is very much hands off when she is around your DD in any case.

I'm not surprised your DH has a tense relationship with her: she sounds unpleasable and attention-seeking.

You leave DD with her, and she calls DH back after half an hour.
You decide to leave DD with someone else, and she gets into a huff about not being asked.

Your MIL is the one who is a handful, frankly. Give her a breezy apology if the subject comes up, maybe flatter her a bit ("Oh, we know how tough it is to look after DD and didn't want to impose on you after last time"), but don't get worked up about it. Sounds like she likes to create a scene: best to smile, nod, and emotionally detach rather than get drawn in and upset yourself.

I agree with the others that you haven't offended her, she has chosen to take offence unnecessarily.
I think you have to explain your reasoning to her including the fact that last time she rang your husband straight away as she wasn't coping and that she isn't very hands on when she is there and doesn't bathe her, change nappies, do feeding etc. Tell her that going from never having your daughter to having her all day for several days seemed too big a jump and that if she wants to see your daughter more she could look after her overnight or for the day sometime.
Your daughter's safety and happiness should come before your MIL's ego. You have nothing to apologise for. She should be apologising for having an unnecessary toddler tantrum. She should be glad her grand daughter will be only 10 minutes away so she can visit and do the nice bits for a few days.

It's hard to put into words! I find her generally OK - slightly scatty and a bit prone to being dramatic, but most of the time in a way that reminds me she is actually quite lonely (divorced). Obviously DP has lived with this all his life and he finds it a lot worse, and I know he finds her attention seeking. She's certainly prone to seeing the worst in anything and everything.

If she has DD I think she'll just sit and flap. I'm happy for her to see DD as much as possible because there's nothing toxic per se, just not to have her alone until we judge that DD will be ok, so not she can't talk.

Thinking overnight maybe this isn't about apologising. It's finding a way to nicely/gently let her know that she won't be looking after DD alone.

I think you have come to the right conclusion Catsby - that's exactly what I was going to say! Maybe she will cope better when your DD is a bit older.

My DM was OK with mine when they were tiny babies and if they were already in bed, but then not again until DD was about 4 and not DS at all really

Is your MIL on her own? If so I would just maybe discuss it in that way ie you thought it would be easier as there were two of them to look after her.

We would always choose for our DCs to go to my parents overnight or even for the days as MIL found it much harder as she was on her own, although she did recognise it herself also.

ah - just seen she is divorced so on her own

Yes, part of the thinking was just as BIL and SIL are in their twenties, without their own children yet, and obviously there are two of them to look after DD. I'll get DP to stress we thought this would be easiest as MIL gets to see DD but won't get tired out looking after her on her own - as in, we'll stress she just gets all the nice stuff and none of the hard work.

Once DD can talk properly and isn't prone to meltdowns we'll think again, MIL might be more able to cope. Maybe we'll drop this into conversation.

X-posted with a few people this morning and they are all right. Mentioning that it is too big a leap from nothing to everything might help too. I'm always very confused anyway when she goes on about how she'll help us look after DD whenever we need, but then when she's around she won't do anything practical. Call me pfb if you want, but I'm not exactly prepared to leave DD with someone who won't even practice changing a nappy (and most people of MIL's generation haven't used disposables before), not unless it's an emergency!