dp always busy in the evening but when I am he pouts

[tygertygerburningbright]

Dp plays football five nights a week. He doesn't play on Wednesdays, but that is the one night every week that ds is with his dad so I have a chance to get out of the house and catch up with my friends.

Obviously I don't go out every Wednesday because mostly I want to see dp as I only see him for about an hour after football before I have to go to bed.

However, some weeks I want to go out with my friends or see a film or something with them. Dp has just joined his fifth football team so now most nights he has double training sessions as well as daytime matches on the weekends. I do not begrudge him his hobby at all, and would not dream of asking him to stop.

But when I mention I am going out on Wednesday so won't see him he kind of pouts and seems grumpy like im choosing not to see him.

It is unlucky that things are arranged thus way. I don't even know why I posted this really, there's no solution really. He just left for football after a conversation about this and I feel sad :(

sounds so much like my ex.
was great with ds but really we just fitted in to his life when it suited him rather than sharing a life together like a family should.
mine had moved out of his mums before but she still did all his washing and some cooking and he was back with mummy when we got together.
he hardly ever lifted a finger while he was here.
anyway i dumped him 9 months ago and im so much happier and my life is full of things i enjoy. no more waiting around for him to want to spend time with us.
its damaging for your self esteem to know that football of all things beats you on the list of priorities almost everytime.

It's like me and my cat. We do our own thing but when I notice she isn't there I go and look for her and feel a bit put out if she has gone out on her own. I expect to be able to do what I want so I think she is ridiculous when I get in and she is standing by the door looking reproachful. She's a cat though, you are a person.

Sorry but I've never heard of any adult play football as a hobby 5 nights a week - are you sure he's playing football all this time?

TBH I can't be arsed to read anything but your OP. Your boyfriend is a baby who is throwing a tantrum because you aren't there to suck him off entertain him.

Lechatnoir, yes he is playing football every time. He calls me and I can hear it in the background. I know a fair few of the boys he plays with. And he always tells me how much he scores etc, , comes back with cut knees from tackles.

He is definitely playing football!

Fair enough but I still find it incredible (not in a good way) that someone in a supposedly committed relationship thinks it's ok to be busy 5 out of 7 nights plus weekends!!

Ok, dp just came home from football and we had a chat.

He hasn't been playing great lately (personally I think because he plays too often and doesn't get a break!) So he agreed to cut back to one county team and his five a side :)

He seems to see my point.

I think you need more than this though in the longer term. I would back off a bit.. don't be so motherly.. get glammed up/ go out. Don't be available every weekend. Don't do the washing.

If it develops into a more serious relationship - do you want a man that doesn't act like a real man. Honestly he sounds like a teenager with mummy and football.

Harsh but it wouldn't be for me.

Sorry Tygertyger that was way too easy - sorry to rain on your parade. That or your negotiating skills should have you working out of the United Nations.

Could be he's cutting back as he's not playing well - not because he wants to spend time with you. How many sessions will he play for ? - still could be 4 times a week - training for both teams and then a match for both. I suggest you ask which days / evenings he's planning to spend with you.

And don't do his washing

Let me see if I can make you see our point OP... Imagine the situation is reversed: you live with you mum and dad, you have never lifted a finger at home or participated in any domestic chore in your whole life, you love playing waterpolo/basketball/tennis and do this 5 evenings a week with your friends and have a great time. You start seeing this guy who has a son from a previous relationship, but who has his own apartment, earns his own money and is great in bed. So you decide you want to have him available for you whenever you happen to be free, you drop your dirty, smelly clothes for HIM to wash in HIS house (so apart from being a domestic slave, he also pays for water, electricity and detergent). Oh, and if he dares to go anywhere in the only night you choose to be with him, you will sulk and make him feel guilty and miserable. How dare he NOT be there for Your Excellence?

Now, ho would you think of yourself if you did this?

And even more to the point: can you see you treating a person you love like this?

Are you considering having more children? How would that work?

I'm a sports widow...sigh. Rugby, cricket and golf played badly but I have NEVER washed my dh's sports gear. He does it himself, as I have enough washing to do.

You need to drop doing that at least.

I agree with pp about not being available to him all the time.

Totally agree he is taking you for an absolute mug, get some self respect and kick him to the curb!

So he snubs your company 5 times a week but takes the huff when you snub his once a fortnight?

You're not allowed anything do he can maintain 5 things?

The responsibly for the relationship is all yours?

You are a free skivvy?

Fuck him off.

This is so ridiculous.

Do you seriously think he would admit he likes going from one mummy to another, one ready made house to another where he has no responsibility. Wake up!

I would have another talk, it also seems like he's sort of stealth moving in, staying officially at his mums so that you don't ask him to pay towards the bills, but you are cooking and cleaning for him. He's not being expected to take you out on dates, just pop round when he's free.

Slow back down, stop having him just pop in every night, he can take you out on dates, he's not ready or avaiable for a grown up relationship, so don't try to have one with an overgrown teenager.

And a quick tip, anyone who brings a bag of dirty laundry with them on a date and even worse, expects you to wash it, should not get another date, even if you have already been seeing him for a long time.

(And I would put money on the fact he's cutting back is more to do with him not playing well, not because he wants to spend time with you)

Gosh you guys are very difficult to please.

He can't win! He is not a malicious person. He was not intentionality taking advantage of me. How ex banned him from playing football and I think he was so un used to such freedom that he ran with it a little. Once he realised how I felt he was mortified.

I did explain he was basically just coming here for food and sex.

Now I just need to address the fact that he will probably sleep til one pm today..

It's not the point that you don't mind doing his washing. The more that gets done for him the more dependent he'll be. Co-dependency, is not the way, so how about you let him use your facilities, sensible if he's there anyway. That way he learns how to work the thing -bet he'll claim not to know how.
You are going to have to start teaching him how to be independent or expect to be a mother substitute until he moves on. Mothered men do go, as it becomes a not so sexy situation living with a mother-type figure and independence is an attractive quality even for them
Make sure you don't lose your own independence, go out and maintain your own interests. Meet up when you are both free only, not just him.
Make sure he's contributing to your household fairly as you don't want him to be there just for the easy comfort you provide.

Sleep til 1pm? Does he work OP? If he plays footie every night and sleeps during the day?

Essentially he's gone from Mummy's house to Mummy2's house. With added shags.

I don't think he's malicious at all tyger. Just selfish and juvenile.

Even professional footballers don't play five nights a week plus training?!? I am sorry but he is taking the piss. I bet he has his dinner ready, you do all the housework and his washing.

Does he work?

realistically OP, you need to separate the fact that you aren't living together and acting as a family in some ways - so he doesn't need to check with you that you are getting equal 'me time' because you aren't a family unit; but in other ways, he expects you to act as a famiy unit, ie. you doing the cooking, cleaning and washing because you have the additional time to do it.

I assume he's not paying towards the bills, are you funding all his food too?

Even if you don't mind doing the washing, I'd refuse to do it because it crosses a boundary of the 'unit' and 'separate people who are dating' - whereas he's not crossing the boundary the otherway, he's not say, staying in with DS a couple of nights a week to ensure you both got equal time out with your friends/doing hobbies, not covering the bills and taking the pressure off. Does he ever put a wash load on of your stuff? I'm guessing not.

Another thing, do not fall in to the trap of being 'better than the ex'. So many men use the fact that their exW/P didn't let them do XYZ/didn't like ABC as a way of ensuring you can't complain about it too. You find youself being 'better' because you do let them do XYZ and you can't complain because then you are just like their ex, and all the baggage of being just like the woman they dumped before you. You don't want to be like her - whereas it could quite easily be that their exP had a lot of faults, but on this, they were quite right.

Most woman if they wanted a grown up relationship that's a partnership would have to say football 5 nights a week plus a full time job is too much 'me time' for one partner. As you are a single mother you probably don't get much time to yourself and so aren't used to having your own time, but long term if you are going to be a partnership, you'd have to have equal time 'off' or you will start to resent him. if he's out 5 nights a week doing his hobby, you can't do the same. even if you get a couple of nights off that will mean you never see each other - that's not going to work. If he wants a grown up equal relationship, then sooner or later the football will become an issue. Perhaps he needs to think about what he actually wants from a relationship.

Ok, I can see your points.

He is younger than me, by about six years. He does work but he is in construction so he might work for a while then have a few weeks off. Which he has now.

I am a little annoyed that he will sleep all day if I dont wake him, happy to let me clean the house etc even though he is here all the time so its his mess too.

He has been utterly babied by his mother and cannot do anything around the house. She still tidies his bedroom at home.... Its shocking tbh.

I think I will have a talk with him when I wake him up in a minute. He either has to act like he lives here, get up and help out and contribute, or he can spend more time at home and just visit when he wants to spend time with me/ds. I dont think thats unreasonable.

I think I just fell into doing everything for him because at the beginning it seemed like a nice thing to do. But I guess years of this would wear me down.

Why will he sleep until 1pm doesn't he work? Five nights a wk plus weekends too isn't a hobby it's a lifestyle. I'd be really pissed off if I were you.

OP how old is he?