I think my marriage is over. Someone please chat to me.

[fairydreamer1]

I've been with my DH for 12 years and married for 4. We have two young DC together. We have always had quite a fiery relationship but the good times have always outweighed the bad.

Lately DH has become very depressed and horrid towards myself in particular. He keeps saying he's fed up of me and can't put up with me anymore!!!! I have a part time job and keep the house. He accuses me of spending all the money even if i buy things like kids shoes it's wrong. It was my birthday a couple of weeks bk and he completely ignored it ( He did know) even when i got a card off my Mum he just said oh well! He was horrid when my friends treated me to a meal out for my birthday. His family do not like me as he has fed them constant lies about me, they never bother with their grandkids as a result.
My family never call or visit as they know he will be vile to mme as he doesn't like them. My DD has started saying why is Daddy so mean to you mummy and we used to be so happy! It breaks my heart.
Dh is a cannabis user and has been for many yrs. I have asked repeatedly for him to stop and he won't. I approached his mum and asked her to help but she has buried her head in the sand in fear of falling out with him and said she doesn't want to know.

I'm also waiting to have very important surgery on my knees which will mean i need full time care and support i'm obviously slightly scared, He has been no support refusing to come to appointments due to work and when i said i needed surgery he said bloody brilliant and proceeded to tell me i'm probably faking for sympathy anyway.

Not saying i'm perfect by any means but is this normal behavior for a DH?

I also know he's been looking at houses to rent online and been in touch with a girl he nearly had a thing with a few yrs ago!!

Half of me wants to leave him but i'm so scared, My mum says run!

Sorry it's so long but would really like some help feeling very alone atm.

Well don't run but start thinking about sensible things you can do if you do split up like talking to a solicitor first and foremost. Finding out how the money situation stands, eg do you own your own house, is there a family member who can help out after your op? Make a list and work through it then you are more likely to know the best way forward.

Hi fairy,
Sorry he is being so horrid to you and that you seem to have no support. It seems to me that he is a cruel coward and wants an end to your marriage but doesn't have the guts to actually be honest. So he is pushing and pushing you to leave him. Them he gets what he wants with out the guilt of leaving you and the dc.
Have you suggested counselling? That would make things clearer for both of you and he would have a harder job manipulating you in front of a third party.

None of what you describe here is normal for a H. An abusive husband however, yes.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. I would also think that the good times you've supposedly had with this person are actually few and far between particularly now and were not all that great to begin with.

There are a lot of red flags re this dysfunctional relationship and you've perhaps ignored or minimised it all due to your own inherent low self esteem and self worth.

Of course it is scary to leave but take a good long and hard look at the life you have now. Its all pitiful; this is no life for you and your children to be living.

Talk to Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

Honestly, I'd be listening to your mother and planning your escape route away from this horrid cannabis user and general waste of oxygen of a man you managed to shackle yourself to.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to show your children?. You are both currently teaching them damaging lessons on relationships.

Joint counselling is never recommended in such situations. Counselling for your own self and alone would be more valuable to you.

I'm sorry but no this is not normal. I hate to say it but this is how a friend of mine is starting to treat his DW and it seems to be down to the amount of cannabis he uses. He won't stop and they would be happier separated I think. Do what Justinbsmum above says. Think about how to separate yourself from him. If he's already looking at places to rent and contacting another girl he isn't really committed to you. Yes it's scary but it will get so much better!

It's only normal behaviour for someone who is emotionally abusive and almost certainly having an affair ... 'Depressed and horrid' is often typical of a man that wants out but hasn't the guts to be honest about it. He'd rather make your life miserable so that he can say 'she kicked me out... it wasn't working... I had no choice'

You should listen to your Mum but, rather than you 'running', tell him to get out. Do get legal, financial and other practical advice because - whatever else happens - you have to protect your interests now and make yourself and your DCs #1 priority. I'm sorry you're in this situation, I know it's scary and you've got a lot on your plate with the surgery etc., but there is a better life for you and your DCs if you ask for help and then make it happen. Good luck

No, this is not normal behaviour. Even if you stayed (and I agree with other posters, doesn't sound like a good idea), you'd have to "save" the relationship by yourself. That's impossible, trust me. Don't feel guilty about that (trust me again...), it's not your fault and if your H isn't going to change (and he has to want to himself), there's nothing much you can do about it.

Christ on a bike! YES your marriage IS over and thank goodness for that. This man hates you, you are married to a man who hates you and is no support to you whatsoever. Think about that. I am saying this to you because I had one just like it and I remember thinking in an astounded way "I am actually MARRIED to someone who dislikes me, how did this happen?" I simply couldn't get my head round it.

This man not only dislikes you but wants OTHERS to dislike you too, so he tells lies about you to make that happen, your husband is your worst enemy .

It's rubbish timing because of your upcoming op but do you know what? You will manage. I had two operations, both with 6 week recovery periods after and I had no help at all but I managed, I had no choice.

The only way forward now is cold clinical thinking. He's looking at houses to rent? Good, you're way ahead of where I was, my ex wasn't going anywhere, he wanted to stay living with me showing me how much he hated me every day. He's got something going with someone else? Good, there's your out. Pack his stuff and put it outside. Why on earth should you be expected to live with someone who is starting another relationship.

Honestly, it feels hard but you're well rid.

Oh fairy, he sounds awful and so does his family. This is not normal behaviour for someone you've shared your life with for 12 years.

I agree with Justin. I think that if you have decided that it is over, then make sure that you know exactly where you stand before you leave. Speak to a solicitor and also speak to your family.

It sounds like quite bad timing, but these things always are, that's why I think you will need your family to support you. The worst thing is if your DC see that you are unhappy and see your DH treating you poorly.

Good luck

I know I sound cold, and it must be terribly upsetting, but I think you should try to separate the sadness and practically plan as much as you possibly can beforehand.

Thankyou all for replying. He wouldn't see a councilor i did suggest it and he laughed. I think i have ignored lots of things that have happened because i didn't want to admit it was going on. I look at him now andd yes i do love him but i also dislike him alot atm. I know my Family would help when i have surgery but annoyed he won't. Think i have to face facts as so many of you have said it's affecting our DC now which i really didn't want to happen.

I'm also scared he'll try and take the DC. Where do i stand on this?

He is having an affair.

An abusive drug user? No he won't be taking the kids believe me. On what grounds? They ALL say this. They know our kids mean everything to us so strike at our most vulnerable spot.

Someone as nasty as you describe looking to set up home with a shiny new girlfriend and a weed habit will not want the inconvenience of sharing it with small children on a permanent basis. But to reassure yourself, please get legal advice. I think you have to assume that he is going to be hostile every step of the way and make sure you have better information and back-up than he does.

He won't take the kids, don't worry. They would get in his way.

He does know it's the one thing to keep you in your place, though, so that's why he says he'll have them.

Google Entitled To - there's an online calculator. Put in the sort of rent you think you'd have to pay. Is your current house on a mortgage or is it rented? I think you'll be surprised at what you'd be entitled to, even though you are working.