Am I being too hard on DP

[HappyandSad]

Hi ,
Just looking for some advice. I have one DC aged 4 months. I am on Mat leave and my DP works full time 9-5. I dont live near any family (moved to be with DP)and am not the best at making friends in my old(ish) age. I have a few things that are annoying me and I dont know if IABU or not so please tell me how you see it.

1. DP used to put DC to sleep on week nights and I would get to bed early so I would get a few hours in before night feed ( DC still does atleast 1 night feed sometimes 2) but recently he only does it maybe once a week because he says I am better at getting DC to sleep.
2. He wont give DC a bath as again he is not as good as me, I have tried to show him how but he just acts stupid and doesn't hold DC right and for some reason DC freaks out when he does it.
3. He goes out twice a week and has done since DC was born , I asked him this weekend not to go as I was feeling a bit down and missing human contact but he just started a fight with me and went out.
4. Any time I have been upset or crying because I am finding lack of sleep and demands hard on me he doesn't comfort me.

5.When he gets home from work he just throws his clothes on the floor and expects me to pick them up. I have tried leaving them there and tidying around them but he will leave them there forever. I do all his washing and ironing so I guess it is for me to pick up?

1. I do all of the housework except maybe he will wash the dishes one of the days on a weekend.
2. Friday nights are supposed to be for me to get a full nights sleep and he looks after DC but last two weeks he has been too tired.

Should he help out a little around the house? When I complain he points out he works full time.
I just want some time for myself once every month just 2-3 hours and when I ask for this he gets pissy. Am I wrong? Again he points out he works full time and needs time for himself.
I feel isolated, lonely and a little like what I am doing at home looking after DC counts for nothing. (Just like to point out I have a very beautiful, happy , loving baby who does suffer from some reflux)
So am I being too hard if I tell him he needs to support me more?
I have spoken to mum about this and she says he needs to help more and has asked me if maybe I am a bit depressed.
Sorry its so long and a bit all over the place.

Oh shit.

OP: how do you get on with your ILs? I'm thinking he's going to have to choose a leg.

Seriously, he's just dissed you big time. He's starting to do what the abusers do: assume your vulnerability means you won't kick off. His "try harder" means "I'm not going to do it, but I'll keep giving you excuses until you stop asking".

Make a big heap of his shit, and when he gets home tell he him he has 90 minutes to get the house spotless and get dinner on the table. Then take DC to the park.

That's great that you spelled it out Happy. Lets hope this morning was just a blip (I know when I'm getting ready for work I just bung stuff back in the kitchen and don't even think about being tidy). I know it must be a pain as you're at home all day seeing it when he has left a mess.

I think it is really easy to get frustrated when a partner isn't pulling their weight and just doesn't seem to "see" the mess or understand that there aren't magical fairies that stick the cupboards and do the washing - it's actually you working bloody hard to do it! I've had many a tiff with DH about tidying etc but with time he's gotten pretty good at splitting the load. He often needs telling what to do though as he often doesn't seem to see what I see when we look at the house e.g I see a pile of clothes - I bung em in the wash. He doesn't usually. I also had to learn to be less narky about having things done on my schedule e.g if I ask him to do something he will - but it might happen a bit slower than I would like (how anyone can take about 40 mins to wash up I do not know!) or he'll do what I ask but maybe not straight away (even though I'm tearing my hair out just wanting it done).

Just keep communicating with DH what you need help with and hopefully he will get into good habits and you won't need to constantly remind. I also find a sincere "thank you, I really appreciate you doing this" can work wonders. Some may argue against that as he "should be doing it anyway" and yes, he should buy showing that you appreciate what each other does goes a long way (and hopefully will help him to be a bit more appreciative and kind with regards to everything you do).

Lets hope tonight he makes himself useful!

Practically: when my now ex-dp did this, one of my coping strategies was to buy a large trunk that looked nice in the bedroom, and anything he left lying around upstairs went into it - clothes, screwdrivers, towels, dirty and clean. I didn't see why I had to be everyone's skivvy (and I worked full-time too). It didn't work though, he remains in a pig sty, however now I don't have to share it.

It's not needing help. It's doing his share.

"He got up for work this morning and has left kitchen and bathroom in a mess and a wet towel on the bed! "

He has just told you how it is, hasnt he? He is a shit.

If I were you, I would take baby, and go home for a holiday.

Tell him you want the baby to have a passport so you can go and visit your parents. Take a holiday at home and decide what you want to do. You dont have to be trapped in this country!

I can't go for a holiday as he said he would report me for kidnapping , this was said during a fight recently when I said I needed to see my family. I know he doesn't mean to be such a dick well I hope he doesn't . Maybe he finding being a farther harder than he thought?

Oh God.

It isn't just the housework, is it?

I'm stepping away now. Vipers: the OP needs you.

Disgrace you are right it's not just the housework but if he supported me more things would be much easier.?!?!

I've asked for support a million times, I've cried when I'm too exhausted to ask and it makes no difference. He says that he will do the next night then comes up with an excuse why he can't. He tells me he will help more, he might spend an hour deep cleaning the kitchen but that's not what I want him to do, I want him to take responsibility for his family for once and take the kids out for the day so I can have some time to myself.
It's my own fault for putting up with it, he was the same with my first child and when I found out I was pg with DS he said he would change (after I refused his request to terminate) and be more hands on so like a twat I believed him but guess what, even when I had a throat infection and a D&V bug when DS was 5 weeks old he managed to find an excuse not to do a single night feed.

Some men can change and I'm certainly not a man basher but mine can't and so yet again it's my responsibility to make a decision to better my situation.

The long and short of it is you shouldn't have to beg your partner for anything, certainly not to look after their own child. I am not brave, I am just tired and desperate to make a change.
I am dreading being on my own with the kids because its bloody hard work but I refuse to be treated like a twat anymore, I really hope your man can change and u must give him chance to before you do anything drastic like leaving (IMO)

"I can't go for a holiday as he said he would report me for kidnapping , this was said during a fight recently when I said I needed to see my family"

you are on maternity leave - take your baby for a holiday to see your family, invite dh to come visit too but you have every right to go fo three four weeeks while you on mat leave.

if he is stopping you visiting your family you have serious problems here .

buy a return ticket and go visit your family.

while there, consider everything.

OP, there is a lot going on, isn't there. I thought he might discount your job. But a job is also a career. It is NI payments, retirement money, etc.

Am I right to understand that you are not married? He is asking a lot from you without any security on his part. Also, I am not sure he has any right to say where you can go. Call your embassy if unsure. Get facts.

I am very sorry. Often things change after the birth of the first baby, as one partner becomes dependent on the other.

There are many red flags waving here.

What would you like to do?

You can break your isolation and talk in confidence to your HV or women's aid. I think their number does not show up on the phone bill.

Keep talking and getting out there, to people in RL.

Frequent the thing is I'm not dependant on him for money right now I still pay for everything I did before mat leave ( I saved for a while) but that does leave me with no money for me. He does earn double what I earn though so it would be nice if I could have some me money too.
I want him to just help and if he is finding it hard being a dad just to talk about it and we can get help together. I'm going to see my HV tomorrow .

"It would be nice"??

Sweetie, I've adjusted my opinion of him. He sounds really horrible. You're being ripped off in every possible way

So you're currently on maternity leave and therefore looking after your baby and house full time (24/7). Your H is working full time (9-5/5). You are using your savings whilst your H earns more and has a higher disposable income. You do not get a break (when was the last time you were able to enjoy a bath or a trashy magazine for example?) but he goes out twice a week and does not do any childcare or housework after work or at weekends.

See how that just doesn't work? Your baby and house are joint - you both created and share them.

Just out of interest, who pays your mortgage, bills, joint food and baby items such as nappies?

Hmmm, my opinion is also starting to change motherinferior. The money thing is really odd in my opinion. Surely when it comes to maternity leave and being parents the money you earn is shared household money? I can't imagine it being "mine and his" when DH and I have our baby as we are a family and the money we earn is for our family. It is awful that you are expected to keep paying for things when you are on maternity leave and vastly reduced pay!

I pay for half of everything including mortgage ( in his name tho) and I buy all of DC clothes put of my own money simply because DP thinks most of the clothes are a waste of money , he may be right I like to have DC looking smart. After writing this all down and reading your replies I'm starting to think wtf am I doing

You pay half the mortgage yet it's in his name?! There is some scary inequality in your relationship. I'm certainly not an expert and can't really advise you on next steps but it all sounds like you're not getting anything from being with this man (do you laugh? Enjoy the weekends together as a family? Does he do anything nice for you at all?), apart from your lovely baby of course.

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. Not that it is particularly helpful.

I just want to give you a hug. I'm also wondering wtf you're doing. What do you want to happen?

Just to give you an idea of what we do in our marriage (which has taken work!): my DH and I pay half each of all mortgage, bills, food, baby essentials, car etc. This takes up pretty much all of my maternity pay so the rest of DH's salary is 'ours'. It goes into a joint account and we discuss what treats we spend each month e.g. He goes to the gym and does a martial art, I need a new dress for a wedding that's coming up. Anything left over goes into our moving house fund.

How has he been tonight Happy? Any luck with the bath and bed routine?

OK. By paying half the mortgage you have a claim in equity against half the value of the house. You also have a right to reside there while DC is your dependent. After all, he isn't interested

Unless you can get H to stop being a twunt, you need to see a solicitor. It is that bad, trust me. I have two female friends who have been reduced to beggary by utter bastards, and I can smell it on your H. One of the friends lost her house because her H "neglected" to put her on the title deeds.

Courage.

Karin I would like the set up you have. He does make me laugh and can be really sweet but since DC not so much. The best thing he has given me is the joy I get from my sweet little DC . I have forwarded him some links on how to adjust to the role of dad and support me and am considering showing him this thread. I was going to show him info on PND but I'm afraid he will then use that as an excuse IYSWIM. I have handed him DC 10 mins ago and told him to put him asleep he looks like a scared child , not very impressed with me I'm sure he will hand him back soon .
Thanks to everyone for the nice messages it means a lot to me

Miss I did the bath