My DC and their dad.

[StabInTheDark]

I have three teenage DC and their father and I split up three years ago. We aren't really on speaking terms, haven't started the official divorce process and the whole thing has been very messy to say the least. Still hurting all of us now.

I know I am to blame here, I have really beaten myself up over it, but my DC all live with me and have heard me ranting and raving about all his wrongdoings.

DD1 in particular knows everything (he used to be abusive to me and had at least one affair). But even the other two are very biased. I feel I have created this- sometimes I think what does it matter, he doesn't deserve their unconditional love, but then again, he's their dad and I hate to think I've poisoned them against him.

Anyone else dealt with something similar? Do I try to repair things or let my DC sort it their own way?

What were you supposed to do? Sit there unnaturally calm with some glassy smile on your face giving them a Disney-Pixar version of their father? Be under no illusion, your DCs have grown up seeing how he treated you. They will have made up their mind about their father a long time ago.

Suggestions how you take it from here. First consciously avoid offloading on your DCs any more than is strictly necessary. If you're annoyed about something specifically, express it by all means, but if you need to vent, talk to friends. Second is tell them that, if they want to have a better relationship with their father, you will not see that as disloyalty or betrayal and you won't be upset... open the door for them, in other words. Third is to get the divorce process underway, find activities that make you happy and let the DCs see that you're moving forward constructively and aren't stuck in past hurt. It'll give them a good example that they might follow.