How do I move on again?

[Mellany]

I'm a single parent of 2 beautiful boys, after 13 years of domestic violence, I finally left my husband, I met someone else very quickly and ended up in a serious relationship, unfortunately he quickly became controlling, for example I went from 10 stone to 6 stone in a few months, as women should have flat tummies. It went bad to worse and I found out he was sleeping with just about everyone, including paying for sex. He got together with my ex and me and my boys ended up in a refuge. Finally I got myself together and moved out, came home and got myself a nice new home, started up my business again and am doing the best I can for my boys, they still have no contact with their dad, although he does occasionally give me grief.

Anyway, after finding my feet again, I got into another relationship, which I have been in for nearly a year, on and off. He too is very controlling, he says I'm too much hard work and too childish, says I like drama, I can't help thinking it might be me, he would accuse me of texting other guys when he isn't with me, I'd only see him every couple if weeks, as he says he is busy trying to sort his life. I have tried to be understanding, but he has lied to me, told me he is in love with his ex, moved without telling me and then dumped me many times by text. He says this was because he had a gambling problem and he was too ashamed to tell me, he now lives with his parents. He says I should try to understand his situation, I have lent him money, tried to help him build his business, done advertising for him, done all I thought I could. Now he has finished with me again, again he blames me, he says really nasty things to me, tells me he wants to move on, then he meets up again, declares his love to me, makes plans with me, then the next day, tells me it's over again, this is a constant battle, I seem to be stuck in this rut and can't get out, I just don't know how to move on. Someone please give me some advice, it's breaking my heart and I'm feeling very confused about the whole situation.

" I can't help thinking it might be me"

First thing to really get your head round is that it's not you, it's them. You've been really unlucky to meet a sequence of pretty horrible human beings and they would be equally horrible if they'd met someone else. You are not sending out 'bully me' vibes or anything like that. It's not your fault they behave this way.

The bit that 'is you' is the ability to identify & the confidence to reject these people before they can hurt you. And that takes practise. The latest one, for example, just dump him. He's a waste of space, emotionally abusive and doesn't deserve your understanding, let alone your money. So finish it with him, cut all contact and stop listening to the bullshit. It'll be upsetting in the short-term but it's the only way to restore your self-esteem.

Final suggestion... Have a look at the 'Freedom Programme' which is designed to help survivors of domestic abuse and, in the meantime, stay single for a while. Take time to do your own thing, relax in your own skin, get your strength and confidence back, and enjoy independence. Good luck

If your current BF/recent ex finds you so lacking, you have to question why he keeps coming back - and rest assured it won't be because he's a good man who wants to make things work. You can take control, you know, don't let him back into your life next time he tries to come back, because he's not good for you. Your relationships so far have been characterised by the man being unpleasant and controlling - take some time out, be on your own with your DCs, build up your sense of self-worth - you don't have to live your life going from one bad relationship to another.

It is absolutely not you. These men are awful. They will have been awful to women before they met you and they will carry on being awful to women now that they're no longer with you. There is nothing that you could do to make someone behave like that if it wasn't already part of their character.

Cogito has hit the nail on the head by saying that the trick is to identify them before they have a chance to cause any damage. You're obviously a strong woman as you're bringing two boys up on your own and have gone from a refuge to living in your own home with your own business. You don't need this latest waste of space dragging you back down again.

Thank you all, for the supportive messages, I feel so confused by the whole situation and can't help blaming myself for it all.

I did complete the freedom programme after my divorce and felt it really helped, but I still seem to make the same mistakes. I just want to stop repeating this constant cycle, it's not fair to my children more than anything, I feel so awful knowing the things they have had to witness and suffer.

I feel like I have completely lost myself and all my self confidence. What makes it harder is when people tell me I can do better and I can have anyone. I just seem to feel that I'm just never good enough. Ive always been too skinny, too fat etc. Sometimes it's just nice to know that there's other people out there that have been through the same and come through it.

I know I'm a strong person, although there has been many times along the way that I could have easily given up. Sometimes I just don't want to have to be strong.

I know I will get through this, but being told nasty things about myself seems to really cut deep and I often wonder if it is in fact true.

But who has been telling you that you're not good enough? Who has been saying that you're too this or that? It wouldn't be any of these awful men, by any chance, would it? That's all part of how they get control over you, by making you feel worthless.

Of course it's not true. :) Bullies and abusive types will try to convince you it is true because that's how they keep control. 'You're crap and no-one else will want you', 'if you were less crap, I wouldn't treat you so badly'..... it's all BS. If your confidence has been shattered by several bad experiences and if you're anxious to make the new relationship work, it's quite difficult - even as a strong person - to stand up to this type of manipulation and tell the person saying this rubbish to piss off.

I don't know how long it's been since your divorce, but maybe you should do the Freedom Programme again? And, if you feel you've lost yourself, be kind to yourself, stay out of the dating game and explore some things that you've always wanted to do. When I was freshly out of an emotionally abusive relationship I did a huge amount of travelling solo. Joined up with various groups to visit interesting places. Allowed myself to be myself for a good long time. Embraced independence. Practised telling various men to get lost along the way :) It was a big confidence boost.

Yes, what makes it worse is that they always call me a "trophy bird" yet I know there's more to me than just what I look like. I'm fed up with looking at myself and not liking what I see.

If any future potential partner calls you a trophy anything, then run for the hills, screaming as you go. Cogito always gives very sensible advice, steer clear of men and concentrate on yourself until you do like what you see in the mirror and how you feel inside. You've done it before, you know you can do it again.

Thank you, it's lovely to know there's some really caring people out there. I'm really grateful for all your kind words x

It's been nearly 3 years since my divorce and as you can see, I've pretty much jumped from one bad relationship to another. I know it looks bad on me where my children are concerned, but I don't introduce anyone to them straight away, I do try to do right by them, but I also get lonely.

I do have some very good friends and a supportive family network, so I'm very lucky there.

I do get told that I put too much into my relationships, I know I always try hard to make them work, my ex husband reminded me of that, he said the reason he used to hit me is because I took away his purpose in life, as I did too much for him, this is another thing that has followed in both my relationships after, it seems so hard to get the balance right.