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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Long one, just need advice please

3 replies

Carly80 · 21/07/2013 10:26

Hello there,

This is the first time I have posted. Have felt for a year or so that I'm not in love with my husband anymore, we have not had sex for almost year, there is no affection, just pecks hello and goodbye. Within this year I've made attempts at affection, but have recently given up as I wasn't getting any response. He is a great dad and I love him in lots of ways just not sexually.
About 5 weeks ago I started messaging an old friend (he started) and they became more frequent and sexually explicit. I found myself so drawn in and the guilt drive me mad. So last Wednesday I decided to tell dh that my feelings have changed and that we should seperate. The usual happened, he stormed out and didn't get back til late. The next day, things had calmed, he didn't go into work so we went to a pub to talk things through. He says he does still love me passionately and wants to have sex, he also thinks that I have changed due to my taking citalopram (it does make me feel numb and I don't give a shit about anything). There was so much said, but now I feel back to square one. Neither of us have left, we went out as a family yesterday (we have 1 dd). He said he'd do anything to keep me, so I'm taking dd on a weeks holiday to get some space. Can I fall back in love? I'm still thinking about my old friend and what could've been had we met up (the messaging has stopped). Sorry this is long I'm feeling so troubled.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 10:43

'Fall back in love' is a bit of a red herring I think. What you're saying here is that you need affection, attention, to feel valued, excited, wanted etc. - the energy and joy that falling in love represents. Your flirty 'friend' is providing some of those but there's more to life than the cheap thrills and titillation that secrecy and infatuation offer. Don't torment yourself with shoulda woulda couldas that never happened.

BTW The citalopram didn't stop you feeling excited sexually about the old flame so I don't think it's as simplistic as blaming the meds. Is your unhappiness in the relationship a trigger for the depression? Is the depression spoiling your relationship? Chicken and egg....

Take some time on your holiday to think things through clearly. If it's over, it's over and there's no shame in that. If there's any scope to reconnect with your DH - and it has to be more specific than 'do anything to keep you' - then work out exactly what that means and put it to him.

Carly80 · 21/07/2013 11:02

Thanks for this, has done me good to get some advice from an outsider. X

OP posts:
EllaFitzgerald · 21/07/2013 11:06

He mentions that he wants to have sex, but hasn't mentioned intimacy & affection. What was it like at the start, was he affectionate then? Or did any affection always have to lead to sex?

My concern would be that he's blaming your medication for your changed feelings, rather than examining whether his own behaviour could have been a trigger.

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