One step forward, two steps back

[maryclarey]

This has been a really tough year. I left my (now ex-)dp several months back after realising our 6 year relationship wasn't working. I've slowly been working on myself since, having counselling, exercising and losing excess weight, generally sorting my head out. I'm much happier now.

This weekend I met a long time friend for dinner. I haven't seen her for a while. The first thing she said upon entering the restaurant (before she even sat down) was that I am too thin and that I have lines on my face. I am not too thin by the way. I'm 5 ft 3 and weigh nearly 9 stone, a size 10. She said she can't have been the only one to say it to me (about my face) and that she was REALLY concerned and I'm ashamed to say I was just gobsmacked started to cry out of pure shock at the things I was hearing. We were then joined by another friend and out of respect to her I resisted the urge to leave the restaurant and instead pretended everything was fine. During dinner we caught up on each others lives and friend 1 sneered at or ignored everything I said, including when I told her I was seeing someone new. After we left the restaurant she caught a cab and I walked a while with friend number 2 and told her what happened. She was confused as to why friend 1 would say such things and assured me I looked fine and not to worry and that friend 1 didn't mean any harm.

When I got home I received a message from friend 1 saying "hope you aren't upset" to which I replied I was fine. No apology for making me cry. It has knocked me for six. I have brooded all night and day about it and I'm so upset. She's not my friend is she? I have known this person for more than 12 years and I've never faced such unwarranted criticism from her before. I feel all the confidence I have gained over the last months has been kicked out of me in one blow.

All this is compounded by the dance that is a new relationship. I'm back to fretting about why he's hasn't replied to my text yet and all that nonsense. I have been focussing on me and whether I'm happy but today all self confidence has gone out the window and I feel like I've been fooling myself that I have any control of my life.

Thanks for reading my pity-fest if you've gotten this far. Guess I just needed to write it down to cement the feeling I have that I need to drop her from my life. How disappointing, to lose a friendship in this way.

Crapartist "she is not my friend is she?"
Not necesarily
Well hopefully
I had friend some time ago it took me long time to come to conclusion but I really like her and respect her
I said to her once omg you so thin
But tough she was so fragile
But honestly I was so worried about her at that time she had experienced very traumatic events

The thing is Im thin myself and I do have moments I would go even thiner so I can imagin how do you feel

A while ago somebody told me
You look so bad and I gues it wasnt a friend
And did cried for a day or so..
So things like that unfortunatelly happen

It still better than example below

I had friend once
A very complicated person
Because she wasnt well she was taking some kind of medications
And I think because of it she had a major problem with her lips
They were in terible stage and she was constantly making them worst by bitting them
And one day somebody said to her something very low to say quiet nasty even
That she looks like junky(!!!)
My friend was shocked
She never had anything to do with being one "
And the person who said it
Was a close person to my friend

Was thats what important

No. She's not your friend op.

A friend does not sneer.

If a friend is concerned with for example your weight, they enquire gently and make friendly suggestions.

Big congratulations on taking control of your life and making such positive changes.

I'm sure you look G R E A T and you feel brilliant too. Well up until you met your friend.

She may be upset and that you are making such positive moves. If she behaves like this again to you then you need to think about whether you want to see her again. Eliminate the negatives in your life.

Wrt the man you're dating, play it cool. Be a little more unavailable and don't wait for texts.

Perhaps you shouldn't be getting involved with someone else so soon anyway. Perhaps you should fill your life with your own interests and activities so that you're always in a happy place and not needy when it comes to texts from men?

All power to you. I think you're doing amazingly.

She doesn't sound like a friend, no. She sounds like she has some issues in her life that she's taking out on you.

Has she never behaved like this before? It might be a blip?

Please try to remember all the people who don't talk to you this way, so you don't become insecure in your new relationship.

Friends don't tell you 'you look like shit' and then sneer at you. I wonder if she's jealous of your new confidence, looks and freedom?

She is jealous

Saying you have lines on your face is just totally fucking rude

She sounds like an arsehole.

Don't let her bring you down. What she did says more about her than you

Would sound like you're doing really well. Good for you for making positive changes

Re the new relationship, try to just go with the flow and not invest too much in it at this stage - leave that for when/if it develops further.

*It does sound like you're...

Bloody phone!

Thank you for all your replies. Part of me was wondering if I was being oversensitive but now I've read through the thread again I'm sure I'm not. When we first became friends all those years ago I was morbidly obese (size 22) so perhaps there is a touch of the green-eyed monster about this but its hard to see how she could be jealous with the wonderful life she has herself.

Anyway, if it happens again I'll be more prepared to call her on it. I can't have such negativity in my life after all the work I've done to make things more positive.

As for the new man, I've calmed down now! If he doesn't contact me then he wasn't right for me anyway, so I'm off to meet a lovely and supportive friend today for shopping and cocktails. Life is good.

Tell her you were upset. Don't pretend to be fine. Call her on it. What a cow. Good luck to you.

Perhaps her life isn't quite so wonderful? not suggesting you should feel sorry for her but it's difficult to understand why someone would be such a massive cow to their friend for no reason. Perhaps that's your 'comeback'? "What's going on with you? You're obviously not happy if you're acting like such an ocean-going* cunt?"

• someone said that in another thread and I

[Grin] I like that too.

I likely won't see her for a while but I may call her. I drafted an email to her yesterday but then deleted it. It needs to be said in person or at least on the phone. I'm not a very confrontational person so it won't be easy.

I feel so sorry for you OP.

I was thinking that friend 1 is maybe just a little bit jealous of you, but even so, that's no excuse to put anyone down on a night out. Just try and let it go over your head, she knows that she upset you, hence the text she sent to you.

Some people just don't realise it hurts just as much to be called skinny as it is to be called overweight.

Good luck.

She was trying to hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself :( don't let her succeed.

Be brave and ask her in person. From an angle of enquiring into what's her new news. You never know - she might burst into tears while snottily telling you how everything's gone to shit.

Hope this doesn't sound mean but your OP sort of sounds like she was AWFUL but you're still a bit sensitive and no one would blame you. You've had a terrible time and still healing.

Perhaps you're right Kali, maybe things are not as good in her life as she makes out. Next time I see her I will raise it in that way, it will make it easier for me too having a way to raise it more subtly. She was pretty awful though, even when I started to cry she offered me no comfort or practical help to the problems she claimed to think I have.

Is it totally out of character for her to behave like that? If she's got form for detonating friendships and it's your turn that's one thing. If it's completely out of the blue that's another.

Sorry, didn't mean to imply that you're super-sensitive and that she wasn't utterly utterly nasty but (sorry, BUT ) if I think about any of my chums behaving like that I kind of have to start from the view that, if it's out of character, then it's got to be them 'acting out' through their own stuff, and if we're truly friends then I care what's going in with them. If you see what I mean?

Soz on phone so hope that makes sense

It sounds to me like she's seen a new, more confident, happier you and it's made her feel like she needs to put you down to feel better about herself. I suspect all is not going well in her life and I wonder whether you've not seen this side of her before because she's always felt that she's in a better situation than you.

Even if she was concerned about the amount of weight you'd lost, why would she bring up lines on your face, sneer at you or ignore you? That's not concern, it's nastiness. You can discount every mean thing she's said to you as utter tosh, purely on that basis.

Every time those doubts creep in, remind yourself just how far you've come and how much you've achieved recently. Don't text the new man again, concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy. If it causes you angst, walk away from it. If the new man doesn't text back, then he's an idiot and you've had a lucky escape. Concentrate solely on you.

No offence taken Kali, I knew what you meant. She has been difficult before and she can be a bit judgemental but I've never experienced it much myself until now. Thanks for all the kind words. I feel better knowing its not just me who thought it was off. Better start planning what I'll say to her when I see her as I'm not having that again.

[Flowers] to you all.

Dont know why smileys aren't working for me but you get the sentiment I hope!

MN smileys are a bit bossy with the no-caps thing

Hope it works out [fLoWERs]

Wait - soz - it's 'thanks' =

Ah..got it now