How to deal with this?

[nannyk]

Hi,
I just need some advice on what to do about my mum. She moved to France 3yrs ago, leaving my 2 youngest siblings who were sent to go and live with their father (they were 11 and 13 at that time). Now it's all going to sh*t. Mum is aggressive and antagonistic towards us 5 kids one minute and weeping and hysterical the next. She keeps telling us we are ostracizing (sp) her yet she never phones us we always phone her. She sends random emails accusing us of various things. Then she tells us if she had known being a mother was this hard she wouldn't have bothered. Tonight mum told her youngest daughter (14) that she should just cut all us kids off as we are too much for her. Last week she told me she doesn't know how to deal with us kids, and she really regrets having us as all we do is hurt her. WTF??? She chose to move to France, and suddenly it's all our fault. My 16yr old brothert cried down the phone to me, saying what has he done to upset mum so much. I could hardly console him. I am moving to the States on saturday for 18 months, and feel terrible leaving things as they are but I am at a loss what to do. I am so stressed I just want to hop on that plane and not look back. But I love my siblings and hate to see them hurting, and am seriously concerned about mum. I think she has some mental health issues as 2 of her sisters have psych problems. I don't know what to do to help. Mum won't listen to any of us, she turns on us at the slightest thing and then thats it, she wails or screams at us then hangs up. It's so difficult to see her like this, as she seems to have a deathwish regarding her relationships with her children. My middle sister doesn't want much to do with her. My middle brother has clammed up. My youngest sis and bro are 14 and 16 and have spent 2hrs crying on phone to me tonight. I feel like I am bordering on a breakdown. I hate confrontations, and I cannot handle all this sadness and frustration and stress, the flight instinct has well and truly got its grip on me. I don't know what to say or do, and as the oldest sister and oldest child I feel this almighty obligation to solve this and make everyone feel better, but I don't know where to begin, and like I said, I am off to the States and have to concentrate on this next stage of my life. Is that selfish? I don't know. :( Life is too hard sometimes. :(

May be their dad can have a word with them and try and make things seem a bit better . Is there any way they can visit you in the States this would be aomething for them to look forward too. I hope it all works out for you it must be horrible feeling like this especially as you are going away . I feel really sorry for you brother and sister they must feel so abandoned if you keep in touch with emails and a webb cam and phone calls I am sure it will make them and you feel closer . Get them saving for the trip to see you . best of luck .

Your story made me very sad and a little angry. I think you might be right in identifying the fact that your mum might have mental health issues. And without wishing to sound melodramatic it might be really helpful if you can find some professional help for you and your siblings. These kind of relationships with a parent can be very upsetting and damaging and people need help coming to terms with the idea that it is not there fault (I mean your poor brother asking what he has done wrong). A good counsellor/psychologist would really be helpful. I wish you all the best and hope you find the support you need, so that you don’t feel you have to take on the whole of this burden- it will end up snapping you in two.

Thanks for your replies Hetty and peasinapod. I agree, I think this is too much for any of us kids to handle without some kind of objective and professional support. I will be looking for a therapist in the US I think, and will have a talk with my youngest siblings father (my ex-stepfather). Something has to be done because we are all on this downward spiral and it's going to end horribly. I got an email from mum saying maybe it would be easier for her to just end it all. WTF???!!! i don't know what to do to help. :(

I leave for the states in 2 days and half of me can't wait, the other half wants to cancel it all and drag mum from her little hideaway back to the Uk and to a doctor. I don't know what the psych help is like in France, but she doesn't speak the language fluently, and she would never admit she needed help anyway. I feel, and have always felt, this immense responsibilty to keep everyone happy and sort everyone out. Since I was about n6 its been my role in the family, and its a hard one to shake off. I've sacrificed a lot to keep up this role. This opportunity I have in the states is the first time I have thought bugger everyone else I want to do something for me. And now I feel horrendous and guilty as I will be leaving behind such chaos. OK I can phone and email people but its not the same. I just don't want my brothers and sisters to think i don't care. I do care. Too much. But I need to live my own life and I cannot be held responsible for everyone else any more, I just can't. I am nealry 30 and its taken me this long to follow something through to a conclusion that will for once just benefit me and not everyone else. Yuck, I feel so horrible about it all, and just want it to go away but it won't.

Sorry for the long post, I need to get it out of my system before I think about replying to mums email. Maybe I won't, I should just leave her to calm down for a few days. Why is it all so difficult? Mother-daughter relationships are so bloody complicated and I hate feeling this torn up inside.

nannyk, oh how horrible for you and I thought my mother is unbearable at times.

If your mother is the one who up and left then she has nobody to blame but herself. As for the 'end it all' sorry if I sound calloused and harsh but imho to me it sounds like a desperate attempt to get attention and yes she does need professional help. However, you cannot put your life on hold for someone who abandoned her family. So do not cancel your trip, after what you described she does not strike me as gracefully accepting and thanking you for your sacrifice.

Maybe peas suggestion that the younger kids come visit you in the US would be a nice idea if their father is willing. Gives them a break and something to look forward to.

Best of luck!

You should carry on with your plans to go to the US - you can't put your life on hold forever. It sounds like she really needs help. I think Peas' idea is a very good one - something for them to look forward to. Sounds like you've been shouldering her responsibilities for too long and she needs to start getting her life back together. Has she always been like this?

nannyk,

From your writings your Mother is a "toxic parent" as she is having a very bad effect on everyone around her. She is certianly using toxic parent type behaviours on you all. I would recommend that the publication "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward is read (you can get it on Amazon in the US and UK).

I would also suggest counselling as well for your own self as well as your siblings. You cannot make your Mother accept help if she will not accept she has a problem. Its no point for instance going over to France and dragging her back to the UK - she in all likelihood would not go with you and would certainly not admit any mental health issue to you.

You have the chance of a new life in the US - grab it with both hands. You are not being selfish to leave.

Yeah she's always been very, very demanding. I can remember at age 9 having to pick my 2yr old brother up from the childminders cos mum was hysterically weeping at home for no apparent reason. I know she had a tough childhood, etc. But I was 9 for heavens sake, and had to look after my 6yr old sis and 2yr old bro a lot cos she was incapable. She was also an alcoholic, I can remember her drinking whole bottles of courvoisier brandy every day during the summer holidays. My dad had an affair and they divorced when I was 11, she met someone else shortly after and along came the 2 youngest siblings. They then split cos mum had an affair. She's now married to the guy and they've set up home without any of us kids in france. I feel like I had no childhood myself as I was constantly watching out for my siblings, and also looking after mum, by shouldering a lot of her responsibilities I now feel guilty for allowing her to continue to behave the way she did. Ironically I am rebuilding bridges with my dad after years of rocky ground. Mum always slagged him off and made him out to be this horrendously cold and cruel person. He is anything but. I have realised what a manipulative hold mum has on us kids, and I am so angry and also scared as to what she will do. In 48hrs I will be on a plane to America and most likely won't be back for a year at least. I have already told my youngest bro and sis they are coming to stay with me in either the october or february half term, and they are areally excited. I agree they need something to look forward to, a distraction.

Thanks for all of your advice so far, I really appreciate it as i have no one I can really talk to in RL as they all are involved in one way or another. I will get that book Attila, it sounds exactly what mum is.

Sory, i don't have any practical advice..other than enjoy yourself in america!

This sounds just like my m.i.l, she is very protective over dp, her only child, yet has no problem frequently telling him she wishes she'd never had him, and that 19 years of an unhappy marriage was down to him..grr..

she is bipolar, and its incredible how much her mood can change in just minutes. she came to stay with us the day we brought ds home from hospital, and she ended up making me cry several times, at which point we asked her to leave.

he frequently has conversatons with her like those you've described that result in her hanging up and being uncontactable for a week, whilst dp feels awful and as if he's to blame.

in these situations you do have to try and claim some distance for a while, as hard as it seems, we found after a while of not contacting m.i.l our relationship and her behaviour has improved.

best wishes.