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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you live alone?

31 replies

Notcontent · 20/07/2013 19:27

Just something I am dwelling on today.
I lived alone for a short period when in my 20s. I quite liked it - it was a novelty to be able to do as I like. I worked full time and at weekends spent time with friends or would go and stay with my parents.

For the last few years I have been living alone with dd. So not completely alone but dd is still little. So I spend all my evenings alone and on weekends it's often just me and dd. Sometimes it's just me. That's not how I planned my life at all.

I can't say I am completely happy with my life. In fact I am considering making some huge changes to my life so that I can either live with my parents or live closer to them (they are very far away now) because work, a couple of friends and dd notwithstanding, I feel like I am slowly turning into a batty old lady (and I am not old yet!).

Is is just me or is it hard going?

OP posts:

needtobefreed · 20/07/2013 19:36

I'm facing the same, new mum & alone too- it is hard! not how I pictured things would be :( I understand what you're going through, perhaps the move would be a great decision for you both?

Aquamildred · 20/07/2013 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePskettiIncident · 20/07/2013 19:37

Agree! (Sadly)

I'm on my own with Ds, family hundreds of miles away and Ds' dad is not and has never been on the scene.

I long for a weekend by myself to go out, get drunk, be sociable with other adults, but it has never happened.

I love my Ds to bits, but I do feel like a dotty old social reject most of the time. I too go whole weekends where I don't speak to another adult in person and I'm sure I drive my mother mad with too many calls.

I just don't know what to do about it, short of moving closer to my parents, which I just can't afford to do.

I don't know what to suggest, as I'm in the same boat as well. But I'm giving you an unmumsnetty hug.

Lweji · 20/07/2013 19:40

I live alone with DS, but near my parents and siblings.
Still, I don't contact them that often.
Conversely, I meet friends and make new friends every day when commuting.
I was recently in a relationship, although not living together, it was nice but I'm mostly unavailable now.
And quite enjoy my alone time. :)

MittzchievousMinx · 20/07/2013 19:51

Well, I live with my DC's but not with my partner.

Mostly i like it and don't often think of living with someone again.
The closest we have come has been talking about having properties close to each other, or with an integrated but separate 'flat' for him

It is intensely hard work, but I am so uniquely carved by life now I think I would both be difficult to live with and find it hard to live with someone.

I have lived completely alone, and loved it.
Saying that, right now I would love to fall asleep in a hug!!!!

Original poster

Notcontent · 20/07/2013 20:05

Thank you for taking the time to post. It's good to know it's not just me.

It's lovely to sometimes have time alone, but generally I think humans are really meant to live in small family groups.

I am ok when I am really busy, but it's times like this weekend, when I actually have time to relax, that it's especially hard and I feel particularly alone.

Yes, it may be time to take drastic action....

OP posts:

Original poster

Notcontent · 20/07/2013 20:10

Also good to hear that some of you do enjoy living alone.

I have this theory that extroverts are actually better at living alone because they have so much social interaction outside the home, while introverts (like me) rely more on having someone at home that they can just "be with".

OP posts:

Wallison · 20/07/2013 20:20

Just me and ds here. Have to say that I really like it. I like being able to do what I want when I want, even down to deciding when to make myself a cup of tea without every trip to the kitchen turning into a sodding tea-making expedition. I do have a couple of babysitters so I can go out if it want and can afford it, but for the most part I'm quite happy to spend my evenings just pissing around reading and watching telly and mnetting. If I did ever get into a serious relationship I think I would still want us to maintain our separate houses but tbh I think I'm done with relationships now.

Diagonally · 20/07/2013 22:13

Just me and DS and the cat.

I quite like it. I might live with someone again in future but only if we can agree in advance about which sofas we like and have a 7ft bed so I can still do the sprawling diagonally to find the cold patch thing.

It is hard going sometimes though. I did vaguely consider a house share with another single parent at one point. Have you considered that?

SpicedGingerTea · 20/07/2013 22:19

Just me, DS (who's 15 weeks) and 2 cats.

H left last year, so I've been on my own for nearly a year - a week before I found out I was pregnant.

For now I love it. I'm an introvert, but have always been happy in my own company as long as I know I have things planned to do. I like the freedom and the peace, but admittedly for me it's still a novelty as when my H was around I was treading on eggshells all the time.

So I'm happy for now, but not sure I want to be in this situation forever iyswim.

Dahlen · 20/07/2013 22:31

I do. I love it now because I've built a really good life and mostly manage to go out when I feel like doing so staying in doesn't feel forced upon me IYSWIM.

However, when my DC were small and I couldn't afford to go out at all and every night was spent in, I didn't like it very much. I've always liked solitude so that wasn't the problem, and I'd have friends come over & share a bottle of wine, etc., but I just felt like I had no life. I was either at work or at home. By the time DC got into full-time schooling I was nearly climbing the walls with frustration. I don't know how much longer I'd have been able to carry on TBH, but I was able to really change my life as a result of the freeing up of cash because of school being 'free' childcare (not how I view education but you can see the point I'm making in relation to this situation).

You'll find it gets a lot easier as your DD gets older, but it sounds to me as though you've come up with a solution anyway, in which case good luck.

belledejour · 20/07/2013 22:42

Have lived alone with my 2 x DDs since 2005. I have a dp but we don't live together. I am what I'd call an 'extroverted introvert' ? although I do socialize quite a bit and have a large circle of friends, I need and love my own company and lots of time off from the world at large. However, I still find it hard being the only adult in our household. It's such hard work doing everything, apart from anything else.

I spent a good 3/4yrs wishing my DP would move in with me but he didn't. Now my girls are 12 and 10 and my DP is around loads and my parents are close by, so the moment has passed and I'm happy with the situation as it is at the moment, rather like Mischievous Minx and Dahlen.

It will get better and easier and less lonely as your DD gets older and more independent. In the meantime, moving to be closer to your family sounds as if it would be a really practical move. Good luck!

Original poster

Notcontent · 20/07/2013 22:43

I think for me it's the double whammy of living alone and also not having any family nearby or a big circle of friends. I do have some friends but just not anyone who will just pop in for a coffee, etc.

OP posts:

Illustrated · 20/07/2013 22:43

Another one here, although its new to me, my ex left at the start of last month. Now its just me and my 11 month old dd. I switch from enjoying it to being a little lonely but nowhere near as lonely as I felt staying with someone that didn't talk to me.

I'm very much an introvert but have gone from one relationship to another for 10 years. Its the first time I'm really alone as I'm in a new town away from family and friends too.

I like visitors but I do find myself a bit relieved when they've left so I can have my house to myself again. I cant imagine wanting to live with someone again.

I do find it quite scary how many days can go by without actually having a face to face conversation though.

Original poster

Notcontent · 20/07/2013 22:48

Illustrated - I definitely agree that it's better to live alone than with a partner how makes you feel like you are alone... You sound like you are doing well.

OP posts:

belledejour · 20/07/2013 22:51

Notcontent how old is your DD? Being at home with a small child can be really lonely and isolating even when you have a DP coming home at the end of the day. Illustrated, once your DD starts at nursery/school you will find it very different - you meet so many other mums that way. I have forged many very supportive female friendships through my DDs. Would be worth trying singing groups/monkey music/baby gym etc - that way you can just meet up with people and have a bit of company.

qualitytoffee · 20/07/2013 22:51

I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! Granted, i live with my 17 year old, but for me, its always been that way, so its just us, and i'm the queen of my castle.
Yes, i was lonely when my son was younger, but you can be lonely in a crowd too, i love my independance, and doing my own thing so i'm happy.

Original poster

Notcontent · 20/07/2013 23:03

Belle - my dd is nearly 7 so not so little now and I have always worked. So I do get out of the house, and also dd can be quite good company - so it's not all miserable, but I guess sometimes it's just a bit too quiet!!!

OP posts:

qualitytoffee · 20/07/2013 23:07

But i get you pets, i really do, ex left when my son was 3 months old, and the nights were the worst, and the crippling lonliness when i thought everyone else had a better life than me. But you know what? thats a fallicy and not true. People actually envied me????
Listen, i found that as i got stronger, i loved my peace (in mind) and i formed a network of wonderful friends (but they know not to intrude....i'm odd like that
The peace of mind when i put my key in my door after work is priceless, and i treasure it x

belledejour · 20/07/2013 23:11

Notcontent, do you have a good babysitter so you can get out a bit? I know it's a tired old cliché, but joining clubs made me feel a bit like I was doing something to nourish my brain and broaden my horizons. I did 2 wine courses and joined a book club when my kids were younger. I didn't expect any great friendships from it....just thought I might as well get out and about and improve my brain a bit at the same time. What about other single mums at school? Any who fancy an outing on a Sunday every once in a while? I know it all sounds a bit effortful and none of that replaces the ease of having friends and family nearby, but it stops it all getting too quiet!

I think it is really hard on weekends when you imagine everyone else is having happy, united 'family' time but a quick read of some of the other posts on this relationships board soon makes you realize that being part of a nuclear family unit is not always quite as rosy as it is painted!

ImagineJL · 20/07/2013 23:26

I love living alone, just me and the kids. By the time I've got them into bed, done all the jobs around the house, and finally managed to sit down with my tea, the last thing I'd want to do is interact with another human being! The evenings aren't long enough for me!

BloomingRose · 21/07/2013 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatwouldyousay · 21/07/2013 08:21

OP I'm in the same position as you in that it's just me and DS and no family within thousands of miles.

I found the first couple of years unbearable (the loneliness of the evenings in particular). When my DS was 5 I moved into a larger (still rented) property and for the last 6 years I've had a lodger/flatmate. Having another adult around (even one who's leading their own life) makes a huge difference - it's just another person you bump into and exchange small talk with when making a coffee or occassionally watch the same crap telly with.

I recommend it!

superstarheartbreaker · 21/07/2013 08:36

Love it and generally hate living with others.

SleepyFish · 21/07/2013 09:07

I've lived alone for a long time, have a 5yr old now so not completely alone but I absolutely love it. Have just been on a family holiday and really missed having my own space. Saying that it was hard when ds was a baby and it's definitely easier in the summer months.
I have my parents close by though and make an effort to visit family/friends for ds's sake but I still prefer it when it's just the two of us. We spent a lovely day at the beach yesterday.
I do think I'm in the minority though, being so content alone, I know plenty people who can't even handle one night alone. I don't understand their constant need to be around other people just as they can't understand my solitary contentment.
The thing is it always looks like everyone else is having lovely family time at weekends but in reality those 'family' days out are often fraught with arguments/comprises wheras ds and I can do whatever we feel like whenever we feel like it and our days out are free and easy. It's when other people get involved I find them stressful.
I am quite old though and cannot be bothered with drama and just really enjoy the simple life. I also have an extremely chatty child so to me silence in the evenings is golden.

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