Need help - family issue

[toxicoverload]

Hello. I have namechanged.
I am in a difficult situation in that my mum is suffering from very severe depression. Now at times, like us all, I get very down but am usually upbeat or try to be and I know I am over sensitive over everything (though most people wouldn't think that as I like my privacy too much).

The depression she has suffered has been lifelong but in the past few years - much worse. She cannot work due to it and often sits in a chair and cries.

The worst thing about it is her very loud and abrupt manner that changes her personality very quickly from someone who acts vulnerable to one that would cut you to the bone with a nasty comment in seconds. She also stirs up trouble and has caused me a lot of pain. I am often very self- conscious though I have toughened up a lot since I met a lovely man and we have a baby on the way.

I used to be very close to mum but have given myself a lot more space. My dad works abroad and siblings too, so there is only me local to her. I can't give her my house keys or anything as she used to and it was too much. Now I see her twice a week.

The thing is, I have come home from another session of her crying (after visitors left - she cooked and chirped away to them without a care in the world). This all changes when it is just me and her. She said she can't look forward to the baby as she is not well and might not be well then. She never seems happy for me and has ruined most of the special occasions in my life.

Sorry for the long post - I can't talk to my dad because he already knows and says 'oh god it is awful - though does nothing about it. Also I don't feel sorry for her anymore. I am not even sure if I love her. I don't think I do at all.

I don't know what to do now.. do I just grin and bear this situation for the rest of my life ???

I am sorry - I think I do love her but it is hidden under a lot of bad feeling. She told me she wants to be friends with her but friends don't do what she has done to me.

How rotten. The fact is though you are not responsible for your mum's happiness- she is, and no one else.
Are your parents divorced?

If she can put on a act when she has visitors, and changes the minute they leave the house, it looks as if she is manipulating you.

I think all you can do is make sure she is being looked after by her GP, has the right treatment ( is she on meds or having counselling via NHS?) and then leave her to it.

Be pleasant and upbeat when you are with her, but the minute she starts to moan, put your coat on and say you need to leave to get on with such and such. The more you pander to her, the worse it will be.

No.. not divorced.. actually happy together. Dad won't have a bad word said about her and everything gets blamed on the illness. I think practical strategies like that.. leaving the situation when she starts the crying again. She said once having children (obviously me!!) was the hardest thing ever. That the birth was so hard (I am in my thirties!!). I don't know did she ever want me.

She is on strong anti-depressants and recently started counselling. She came to my house the last time and read a letter the 'counsellor' told her to read to me with yet more criticisms. Now a proper counsellor wouldn't do that. I have never told my dad the extent of what she says to me. My dad, by the way, is a lovely jolly man. That is until if say anything about mum to him.

Toxic parents often attack their children in such a manner and your Dad has enabled her all his life. I would not let him off the hook, he has also failed you as a parent utterly here. He like your siblings all went abroad, its hard as well being the last one left.

I doubt very much she has had any counselling at all, no counsellor worth their salt would have asked your mother to write such a poisonous letter to you.

You need to think longer term here i.e your child. If she is too toxic or difficult for you to deal with she is too toxic for your defenceless and vulnerable child.

I have a very old friend whose mum is like yours. she had to have 5 years of counselling ( my friend) to deal with the fall out from her mum, who manipulated her emotionally and used emotional blackmail. It's also nearly destroyed my friend's marriage because she was torn between helping her mum and spending time with her DH. Like you, her dad was overseas but had left her mum.

In the end she has had to be very tough ( she's 20 year s older than you and her mum is late 80s.)

She has stopped the daily visits and goes 3 x a week. If her mum moans she walks away.

You have to behave as if it's a child having a tantrum- it's attention seeking behaviour. If it's ignored and gets no results, it stops.

maybe you need to tell your mum how upsetting you find her comments- and the letter etc- and explain calmly that you will see her if she treats you well, you'll take her out, go shopping, have nice 'girly' times, but the minute she starts using you as a punch bag for her unhappiness, you will leave the house or ask her to leave yours.

You need to be kindly, but firm- and stick at it.

And yes- rope in your dad and siblings too- be open about how much it is wearing you down.

Thank you so much.. you do not know how much it means to me to get this advice. I have only opened my eyes to the damage it is doing in the past two years. It nearly did cause a problem in my marriage as my husband said to her she is too hard on me.. then she twisted it and told my father he gave her sh*t. As a result, my dad roared and shouted and got very aggressive to my husband (totally out of character.. my husband likes neither of them now but he is a respectful sort of man and is vey polite when we visit). I was crying and really thought I was going to get sick the time it happened because she twisted and blew it all up. Then dad told me I had to visit more often and poured me a double brandy!! They expected us to spend our first Christmas with them.. we spent it alone.

Things are swept under the carpet as we had a family wedding after and I didn't want the atmosphere to spoil things.

Anyone outside of the family thinks everything is great and we are so close and up for a laugh!!! If only they knew.

I have been for private counselling .. had trouble conceiving and luckily when the counselling ended I got pregnant naturally.

What you are saying here links alot with things in my life.Do you think the things she does and says are because she is ill or that shes being awful?
I only ask because its an opinion id like to ask too about my family.
I kind of feel like I have taken a lot of crap because someone needed someone to take things out on.My relationship is ruined too and both of us have no idea how to fix it.Its strained and false.