please help me not to go mad with bitterness

[crazychilledmummy]

i have written and re-written this message about 10 times and too much comes out if I try to write whats happened so... ok, 11th time of writing, so no details... i have a DS who is 9 months old. my ex has badly, badly let me down in the past, threatening the health of DS and myself, culminating in me going into early labour at 7.5months and him just leaving me crying me eyes out in a foreign hospital (not knowing if i would give birth, if our baby would die or what) when i really needed him. So I left and had to move back to the UK, find somewhere to live, buy furniture etc (all 2 weeks before DS was born) Loads of other stuff before and since DS was born. Up until a few weeks ago I had tried at first to rebuild a relationship and then at least a friendship between us for the sake of DS but have totally flipped tonight because my friend has told me has said i have finished with him and he's devastated and can't understand why because he only wants to be together. i feel like i've given him every chance even at the sake of my own emotional well being to try and help him and can't do it anymore but now he's making out that i'm the bad guy. i don't want to end up hating him and more so, for my beautiful son to know anything other than although his mummy and daddy are apart that we still care about each other and everything is ok. how do you swallow the anger and hurt? i thought i had it under control. so sorry if this is ranting...

oh dear, maybe i am just a bitter unreasonable old hag...

No you are not, I'm sorry he sounds really difficult (perhaps an impossible twat). ANy point in trying to make a go of it with him?

The most basic answer is the hardest - time will sort it out.
If you are meant to be together he has to earn back all that trust and make you really sure after the shitty situations he has left you in.
You are right to want to stay friends for your ds, but I'd leave it a few months perhaps....

If it's any comfort, it sounds a bit like he knows he's in the wrong, so is out to garner sympathy from mutual friends.

It all happened less than a year ago and you're both still a bit raw and sore - perhaps if you can hang onto being polite and civilised for the time being, it bodes well for maintaining a polite civilised relationship in the future?

Carmenere, no I can't give it another go. Everytime I've tried to forgive the past and try again he's done the same selfish things and I don't have the emotional energy for it anymore.

Crazychilledmummy, like piffle said it is hard right now because it is still fairly recent.

Does your DS have contact with your ex's parents? What sort of relationship do you have with them?

I ask because when I split with DS1's dad he said it was me leaving him, he wanted us to get back together etc compoletely ignoring the fact that he had been secretly using drugs, risking my health and as it turned out ds1's life as well , obtaining credit in my name, all sorts of stuff. Luckily I got on really well with his parents and they acted as a go between for a while. I wanted ds1 to have a relationship with them and through them he has been able to have a safe relationship with his dad.

Seven years on and I can speak to his Dad (who is now clean, fingers crossed) and even have a laugh with him, something I couldn't ever dreamed of having while I was still so angry and exhausted from our relationship.

After I left him I ould get so angry as I felt he'd destroyed our life and tainted all my memories of Ds1's early years taht I would physically attack him [shame] With the help of his parents I was able to put distance between me and him. I had a bit of counselling and had some very supportive friends and woke up one day and the anger had gone. The sadness was still there but all the hatred had gone out of it.

It is a long process but worth it for DS1.

Sorry this is so long, just wanted to let you know that I understand how you are feeling right now, when I read your OP i thought, that sounds like me back then. It does get better and your ds deserves a dad and you ex deserves the chance at a relationship with your son separate from his relationship with you IYSWIM?

Lact8, thanks so much for that. His family are fantastic, infact his dad rings me alot to see how we (DS and I) are. His sister also is lovely (albeit a bit "i don't want to know details where {ex DP} is concerned - which is fair enough) and I send them photos, go up North to see them whenever I can. HV said the worst thing is for the father to be a mistery (sp?) where children is concerned and I've taken that on board. I know what you mean about the anger thing, never attacked ex (but can totally empathise with how it could happen) but have thrown the phone at the wall when he's rung up and started the mind games. I really, really want DS to know his dad and for ex to have a son, thats why i've not just closed the door completely. Its so good to know that you've gone through something similar and emerged how I'd like us to be. I can never forgive him for some of the things he's done but I want to put it behind me and I don't want Ds's view of his dad when he grows up to be influenced by my experiences of him. dont' know if any of this makes any sense...

It is hard to remain neutral, especially when they get older and start thinkin gthe sun shines out of their dad's backside. Time for deep breaths and a phonecall to a friend when you get chance to rant out of earshot. If you can maintain the contact with his grandparents do, it made such a difference to me.

With regards to affecting your ds's opinion of his dad I've taken the aproach that DS1 will learn as he gets older what his dad is like through his da's own action, unreliable, talks the talk but never walks the walk IYSWIM? I don't know if its the right approach to take

Gotta go see to dd back soon

Sounds like the right approach to me, that's what I'm hoping to do. Also, ex treats others differently to the way he treats me so I'm hoping he'll be OK with DS. Not that he's seen him recently. DS is only 9 months so I'm hoping by the time he's old enough to understand and have a proper relationship with his dad that I will be all calm and reasonable about it !!!

It does get easier to maintain the illusion of being calm and reasonable on the outside, I can still get myself very worked up over ex behaviour. Its hard when he lets ds1 down and we're left to pick up the pieces. I just hope that ds1 will realise all of this when he grows up.

I've been thinking about this and remember I kept repeating to myself why I was doing this, like a mantra in my head, want a good life for ds1, want a good life efor me, I can do it on my own. over and over until I believed it.

I would also allow myself a couple of hours once a week when I would put on certain songs and just bawl. I would write letters to ex explaining all of the things that I was angry with him about and then rip them up. It meant I'd get out all of the thoughts that would make my anger flare up when I saw him. I think I went through a sort of mourning for the life that I thought we would be having as a family and feeling like he'd taken it all away from me

Sorry, another rambling message

How are things with you now? I'll keep checking to see if you're about

Take care

oh, went cold went I read that last message Lact8, that's what I sometimes feel, that I'm in mourning. I never doubted I could do it on my own but I was bought up in a single parent environment, by my dad who was absolutely fantastic, but even so I didn't want that for my DS. Do you think you were still in love with your ex when you split up? I don't think I am anymore, I am trying to battle back the feelings of hatred because I don't want to feel like that but then I feel sorry for him and think maybe I should try again?

He was my first love ccm. He was, still is when he's straight, a lovely, charming, funny person. He was everything to me and I was destroyed when I found out that he was using heroin When it all came out, I said to him that we could sort it out. DS1 went to stay with his parents so he could do his cold turkey. We went to the doctors and arranged counselling. I did still love him at this point and really thought we would be able to sort it out. ex went on methadone and I thought that would be it [niave emoticon]

I then found out that he had blown all our money and got us in loads of debt so I had to start working fulltime to keep our heads above water. And I started to resent him then because of his actions I was missing out on ds1.

Then I found out he was still using

I left then because I just couldn't be around him when he was like that, was scared of leaving ds1 with him. I packed up our clothes and went to my mums

But I would see him and he knew just the things to say and do that would make me weak and think that we could still have a future. I said we'd make another go of it if he could continue with the counselling and get off the drugs. I would go to the counselling and he wouldn't. That really made me question his love for me and ds1.

I knew then that I was allowing my happiness to be dependant on someone else's behaviour and it had to stop.

I think thats why I became so angry, it allowed me not to feel the hurt that it was causing me.

Only you know if you're in love with him still. I wouldn't get back with him if its based on feeling sorry for him or because you don't want your ds to grow up without his mum and dad together. My parents separated so i understand when you say you don't want it for your own child.

From your OP he sounded like he has really let you down in the past. Do you think he has changed enough not to do that again?

You are so brave to have gone through all that. its so much less of a problem but can relate to your ex and his addiction as my ex has what I think is a big alcohol problem and again, when he's sober he can be the nicest most intelligent person. I'm really with you there on the being worried about leaving ex alone with DS as he cannot not drink. Even to the extent where he wouldn't bath him (even though he might not have seen him for weeks) because I made a strict rule that he couldn't if he'd been drinking (DS normally has his bath about 5 O'clock). My ex has not changed at all and I really believe its because he doesn't love me or DS. I don't know if its his drinking or just his personality but he is 100% out for himself. We had an on off affair for 10 years (I'm not proud of the betrayal to our respective partners at the time) and I waited all that time for him and then it took 5 years to have DS. I feel I have wasted so much of my life. Wouldn't change DS for anything but I worry so much that ex's personality will come through into DS and I know how much unhappiness it has bought my ex and wouldn't wish that on anyone. Felt so sad today, wherever I looked it seemed there were two parent happy families and I began thinking maybe I should give it another go - its hard to remember how bad things were sometimes and why I'm where I am now. My beautiful DS has a new tooth through today and yesterday stood up on his own for the first time - I'm really angry that ex has made it so we can't share these things.

L8, if you don't mind me asking. How did he get into using heroin? And how did you find out? did he have friends that were into all that?

hi ccm, big congratulations to your ds on standing up on his own

I know what you mean about feeling angry that you haven't got anyone to share his achievements with, all I can say is it does get easier with time. I remember looking at ds1 on his first day of school and knowing I'd made the right the choice for us both. He was such a happy little boy and I thought to myself, I did that, despite everything and that made up for ex not being part of it IYSWIM?

Your concerns about traits from your ex being passed to ds is exactly how I feel about ds1. My ex always had a naughty streak in him, I think it was down to undiagnosed dyslexia at school which meant sheer boredom, he has a very high IQ but has never been able to do it on paper. I've worried that ds1 would be the same but fingers crossed, so far he's edging towards being a nerd! The complete opposite of ex, and me too!

Its quite ironic how ex got into heroin really. We met up North, near Liverpool. We had been together for about 2 years and decided to move to Wales as it was all getting a bit hectic up there. We both smoked weed at the time and went out drinking, pretty normal activities for people our age, I was 18 at the time. But I was getting bored of it and watching our friend try more different drugs, pills, speed etc was scary. I just didn't want all that in my life. So we moved away from it all

Ex got a job which involved working shifts and all the lads on the night shift smoked weed. What I didn't know was that some of them smoked heroin as well

(I was really affected by the Just Say No campaign with Zammo and grange hill and really did believe all the posters and hype of you will die if you take heroin. I wasn't particularly anti drugs as enjoyed a spliff but heroin has always been a dirty thing to do and a complete no no IMO.)

So ex started smoking it too. I didn't notice as he would come off a night shift and go straight to bed anway. Then be fine by the time he woke up.

Even though I was only 19 I knew I wanted a family, I thought I was with my soul mate, so packed in the weed and drinking and I got pregnant the first time we tried.

Ex managed to hide it from me really well. But there were thingsthat just never added up and looking back I ws too knackered having a new baby to really want to confront it all.

It all came to a head when ds1 was nearly 2. It was the day after boxing day and we were having a party at our house. ex disappeared for ages in the bathroom and wouldn't open the door no matter how much I knocked. When he eventually came out I went in there and was searching the room to see what he could've been doing. I noticed the bath panel wasn't quite sitting right, lifted it up and found his stash of gear. And all my missing teaspoons!

Writing this now is like writing about something I've seen in a film or read in a book. Just doesn't seem part of my life. But it tore my world apart at the time

At the end of the day addiction is addiction, whatever substance used. I think ex could've been an alcoholic quite easily. In fact, that's what he does now instead of drugs. Much more socially acceptable too. It took me a long time to realise that if you live with an addict you will always come 2nd place to their addiction. It's not that they don't love you. Its just the addicition and satisfying it always comes first.

I found it easier to accept that with regards to ex's feelings towards me but still can't get my head around it in relation to ds1, who to me is the most amazing person, I just can't imagine anything I would put before him in my life and that was one of the hardest things to accept.

It sounds like you have sacrificed a lot to be in a relationship with your ex and it must hurt that he has done this to you and your much waited for ds

I know its a cliche, but you can't help an addict til they want to help themselves. Please don't let him put any of the blame for his behaviour onto you.

I know if I had not had ds1 when I found out about ex's using I would've stayed with him for longer and tried to fix things. But when there is a child involved, I think they have to come above everything else.

If I was in your position, I would want ex to prove to me he was sorting himself out for his own sake, not to get me back.

Got to go, really didn't mean for this to be so long. Hope you're still awake

PS. With regards to seeing 2 parent families, remember when you wanted a baby and the world seemed full of pregant women? I remember feeling just that too, but it does pass. And it helps sometimes to have a proper look at them, do they really seem all that happy?

Take care
L8 x

You really have been through it... What is your ex like now? if he's still clean have you thought about getting back with him?

Had big telephone argument with my ex yesterday as he has again chosen to go on holiday rather than see DS. He's seen him once in 3 months. He told me I seem full of anger and resentment. Well, at least he's noticed I suppose ! I told him I cannot go on like this and suggested we draw up some sort of agreement between us - I spent most of the early hours drafting it up, basically saying he has to see him every four weeks on dates set out before, no drinking until DS is in bed etc. I'm hoping that if I take away the element of hope that he will voluntarily think of DS before himself and force him into it I'll be less "angry and resentful" ! He did make me laugh though - he said the fact that I'm so angry and resentful must mean I still love him and we should just "stop all this nonsense and get back together"!!! Hello brick wall... how are you??

stay far far away from him.
and keep your son away from him for as long as possible

ccm HELL NO!!!!!

Even though it was hard at the time it was the best thing I ever did

Have lovely dp now and we have ds and dd together. Finally got the siblings for ds1 that I mourned for as I thought it would never happen.

I think you're taking the right approach to this. I set similar guidelines to ex, regarding phonecalls to ds1 and he can't even manage them

IMO it's not up to ds1 to be the one constantly phoning his dad. From my experience of parents splitting up I know I wanted my dad to make the effort to contact me not always me contacting him.

I think sometimes when people know deep down that they are in the wrong they ignore the parts of life they don't want to deal with, ie you being angry at him for valid reasons. I think he can deal with it by convincing himself that its because you still love him.

If I were you I'd be keeping in regular contact with his parents so your ds doesn't miss out on his extended family. Set out exactly when you expect your ex to see ds, if he sees him then all well and good, if not then c'est la vie! I personally wouldn't let ex have him without supervision. I still don't let ex see him alone, nearly eight years on. My pil's are always there as well.

Would you be able to arrange it on a day out sort of basis? Or get his parents involved?

I keep thinking of you and hoping that you're ok

Take care x

So nice to know there was a happy ending for you after all you went through. I really don't think I could ever trust another man and am planning on becoming crazy old cat loving spinster (poor DS when he gets older I'm sure I'll be a real embarrassment to him!). Can't involve his family too much - they live up North (I'm in the South) and his parents are quite elderly (ex is 14yrs older than me). His dad is fantastic but his mum has alzheimers. His sister is brilliant too. But def agree, he won't see DS on his own. Another reason why we need to get to some sort of amiability between us. I have no family, he has only one couple as friends and my friends would probably kill him if left alone with him!!! Still waiting to hear back from him re. the agreement rules I sent him. Fingers crossed he'll be reasonable. Thanks for thinking of me.
stitch - why do you say that? do you know him??!!

I hope you get a positive response from him, that it is to do with ds not you and him as a couple iyswim?

I'm usually around if you ever want to talk about it.

Take care

I promise it will get easier with time. When you are that mad old cat lady your ds will look back and know what a fantastic mum he had and how much you love him.