I find it hard to trust people I meet, I know I have low self esteem and put on a brave face to the world but inside I am crying. I want things to be different for me but how I don't know. I am now 42 years old approaching 43 fast.. I feel the need to talk about my life, its a long story.
I have one brother who is 4 years older than me, our father was agressive, we were beaten with the buckle end of his leather belt on our bare bum if we were naughty, or got our heads banged together. He used to push our faces into our food if we didnt eat and was so moody. I think he must have had depression of some kind. My mother just said nothing. We were a well off family and everyone assumed it was all great behind closed door. My dad also sexually abused me on occasions, I was very small at the time, although he used to "snog me" as he called it when I was 11. We were packed off to boarding school at 11 in yorkshire and I hardy saw my parents, they were holidaying alot, my lovely grandparents used to write and visit me. I never fitted in at school, was bullied left out and accused of anything that was going on. I tried hard at school but was always without friends. I spent a lot of time sat under the staircase readig books while the other girls were having birthday parties and giggling together. When I was 15 there was a spate of theft in the dormitories, money going missing out of drawers etc - one of the girls said it was me (it wasnt) and I was sent to live in the sickbay for the rest of my school life with the matron. No one spoke to me after that and I still dwell on it all these years later...
After leaving school my father had an affair and left my mother, she relied on my for emotional support. Even though she was very well off she used to make me wear her old clothes and shoes at 16 and so when I started college to do A levels I got the piss taken out of me and started hanging around with the people who took me for who I was, I used to bunk off and sit and drink cider in the bus stop... my mother was too involved in her coffee mornings to notice.
When my grandma had a heart attack my mum went up to see her (yorkshire and I was in london) and my dad came to look after me with his new wife (who was 20 years younger than him), he found me an annoyance as I was "in the way" he said and gave me £ 50 and told me to come back the next morning, I was 16. I went to see a guy friend and ended up sleeping with him and liked the attention and so became very promiscious, slept with anyone as it was good to be noticed. I moved out and got a full time job in a pub and lived in a shitty room which stank. Met a guy I will call him A and got pregnant at 19..A became violent and used to beat me if I didnt give him my benefit money, he got into drugs and changed..my mum not interested as she had just met a new man and she was ashamed of me. I lived with A as had nothing and nowhere to go... things got worse as he owed money to drug dealers....... a dealer came to our flat, saw me and said "if you let me shag her I will let you off the money", A beat the crap out of me and said he would harm DS1 if I didnt and so I had to sleep with this guy.. this was it then if he wanted drugs I was the payment, this went on for a year.
I took my son eventually and was put in a refuge. I was housed miles away and met a man who was just wonderful to me, my DS1 was then 2 and we got married and lived in army quarters as he was a soldier. Had a very happy life with him but 3 years later he was killed in a motorbike accident at 25. The army helped to house me and I was alone, it was the worst time of my life. I met a man 2 years later when DS1 was 8, he was a great guy and we got married. We had ds2 who was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at 6 months old, it was so hard to deal with but I kept positive. MY dh couldnt cope with it, had an affair and we split up. So I was on my own again. Met another man a year later, he appeared charming and perfect. I moved in with him and got pregnant with dd. He was a secret drinker and became agressive and verbally abusive to me and my DC. One night he was drunk, beat me up, threw me out in the garden in my nightie and locked the doors. I was so ashamed, I rang the police who broke the door down to get my kids and I was again housed in a refuge with the kids. I found out I was pregnant and really struggled to know what to do and had a termination which I still feel guilty about.
I stayed on my own for a while until I met a guy who had 3 kids and appeared to be lovely. I eventually moved in and it became clear he was lazy and spent all his time away from work obsessed with computor games. I was the mother of 6, did all the cleaning, cooking and held down a full time job. I had a breakdown as it was all too much and he literally threw me out.
I was housed by the housing association into a nice house, adapted for my disabled son. My DS1 had by now left home and joined the army and he is doing well and is a lovely lad, has a great sense of humour and as I shielded him from the bad things he is very confident. A year later I was approached by a lady at school to ask if I would be interested in writing to soldiers in Afghanistan who had no families. I agreed and began writing to a man who wrote back, we started emailing and chatting on MSN dily for 5 months and became really close. He looked great in his photo and we got on so well, decided to meet up. Out of the blue he then told me an ex girlfriend had contacted him and he just stopped writing to me. I was gutted but just got on with it. I got into university and trained as a nurse, for someone who has achieved nothing in there life this is a really big deal to me.
I forgot all about this man until a few months later he emailed me and said he was sorry, that he was at the time going through a divorce and wasnt ready for a relationship but wanted to meet me and thank me for the 5 months of support. I agreed and we met, he asked me to marry him 3 weeks later and we have now been married for 2.5 years. He has adopted my dd and we have bought a nice house, he works hard in the army and is lovely to me. The only problem is we dont have sex. I have issues I think from my father and he has issues from his ex wife who was a nasty piece of work. We get along so well but to me I am always waiting for something to go wrong. I still feel people hate me and dont like me. I am a couple of stone overwieght and have massive issues about this.
My dc's are great. Ds1 is a happy 23 year old. Ds1 is now 16 and can walk with a stick, he is very clever and studies hard. he finds life a challenge but there is nothing he cant do and I am always there behind him with support. DD2 is off to senior school next term and won an county award for citizenship for coming with me and volunteering at the old age centre where she reads the elderly. She is just great.
I am not great, I am the scum of the earth inside, I feel I should be locked away somewhere as I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. I have thought many times of killing myself, but who would miss me, have been treated for depression for the last 20 years.
I am due to start my very first qualified nurse job in a few weeks and now feel that I have no place being a nurse. I feel like a failure and just want to be normal. I know no one will like me and I will fuck it all up when they find out how disgusting I am inside.
Sorry this post is so long, I just wanted to get it all off my chest and thank you for listening, x