DP never wanted more DC or to get married.

[KissMyStardust]

So last night it came out that despite having planned to start trying for another DC in September (have DD 20 months old already) and having plans of getting dressed up for a lovely lunch and then chosing engagement ring - DP now says does not want ti get married or have any more DC and was just going along with these plans to keep me happy as am still under cmht care for severe pnd.

i don't know what to think about our relationship now...I thought we were making plans for a life together and now he just shatters these dreams in my head like its no big deal. Is it a big deal or am I just being dramatic?! I don't want to keep investing in a relationship that doesn't have the future i want in life.

The pnd still skews how i see things so I don't know if i should be happy with the good relationship and stable life we have and just let these things go? I feel like the future is a foggy confused mess now, he seemed excited by our plans too.

If getting married and/or having another child is important to you, you can't brush this under the carpet. You'll end up resenting him for not giving you what you want.

It was very mean of him to mislead you, even if he did it with the best intentions. Was he ever planning on marrying you or having more children?

I think you need to talk to him and explain how important these things are to you. Let him say how he feels. See if you can reach a compromise, and if not, weight up whether you'd rather be with him without a wedding or children, or if you want to start looking for someone else who does want the same future as you.

Look after yourself.

Of course it's a big deal. He's been stringing you along with a lie and - to add insult to injury - says he was only doing it to humour you! That's condescending in the extreme and I don't see how you can have a good relationship or a stable life with someone who is so blatantly dishonest.

This is a big deal! Perhaps his intentions were kind (although I'd take some convincing) but he's done you no favours. Don't second-guess yourself, he has misled you.

Hmm, a sudden change into a thoughtless scumbag who has come up with the cruelest thing he can think of to say to hurt you?

Cherché la femme, as someone used to say

Yes, it's mean. However, could he be scared about having another DC because of your severe PND? It could be that he would like to have another child but has seen what you have both been through following the birth of your DD and doesn't want to put you or your relationship through that again?

Just thinking of you here, wouldn't you do better waiting for your PND to go before you have another baby?

cogito - that was my immediate reaction but I worry the effect on DD if we were to split. It is a stable life in that we are financially secure,own our home outright-well,DP does- we generally have a happy time doing lots as a family and don't fight,I try so hard to discuss issues with no raised voices or namecalling.

Id be in a financial mess if we split, nowhere to live and im not working now as couldn't cope with going back due to pnd.

Im questioning if we have a good relationship now...maybe he just takes me for granted...I think that a lot. I just want to crawl under a blanket and hide for a while now.

with regards to the pnd, I've been in a good place since April and coming off some of my meds soon. my psychiatrist is supportive about decision to have another DC and we had discussed perinatal mental health support-I was ill for 10 months and suicidal before getting help and she has said i would be carefully monitored for pnd with any other dc.

"we are financially secure,own our home outright-well,DP does"

Leaving the subject of another baby to one side for a second, at the moment you're financially vulnerable because you're a 'P' rather than a 'W', despite having a child together. This is unacceptable. If this is a good relationship and he values you as his life-partner, even if he has some problem with marriage per se, he'd make you joint owner of the property, main beneficiary of his will and life insurance.... those kinds of things to put you on an equal footing. If saying no to marriage means he sees you as a temporary fixture in his life, he's not going to do any of that. Have you ever discussed this? His answers might be revealing.

cogito-i worry a lot at times about exactly what you've described. I've brought it up many times but I think he views it as a negative of marriage that I have claim on the flat and would get half marital assets if split (in Scotland)...that sounds terrible when I write it down.

He wouldn't make me joint owner...I know that. Both are main beneficiary in wills though, for the sake of DD more than anything else.

Sometimes I think he does not get that we are in a grown up relationship with responsibilities to each other - he says my friends who have got married are just playing at being grown up ffs!

Things do not seem so rosy written down...I feel totally shit.

"he views it as a negative of marriage that I have claim on the flat "

Then he's got a very bad attitude if that's the case. It's pretty disrespectful and selfish to effectively say to someone.... 'You can have my kids and I'll house/finance you for the time being but, if I get fed up with you (which I'm actively anticipating), you're having nothing of mine'. I suppose, if you're in the will, you could always kill him... :)

I don't think it looks too rosy either. There's no commitment here, you're vulnerable, he's not taking you seriously, he's going back on his promises.... I'd be getting some information together on what setting up solo would actually mean in practice. Even if you're not thinking of leaving, I think it never hurts to know the score.