Wow. I have found the answer. It's taken all thiis time but thankfully I kept a record from last year.

[InTheRedCorner]

I'm on my own and trying to deal with asking DH to leave for space, he has but it hasn't helped, infact it has made me confused and angry all over again.

Tonight I found a folder from Aug last year where i have logged my escape plans, written down help numbers, copies useful documents for that year etc

In amongst it I have found a photo copy of a letter I sent to him. So much has gone on in that year and infact the last 2 weeks I don't remember even writing it - what do men do with these letters I wonder...

I write about regret and becoming a sad and lonely mum, how I hate myself and how I will spend my life proving to our DC I can have a happier person.

I list reasons why we make each other unhappy and how I hate his lies destroying me, I can't get over them and how sorry I am for that.

I end the letter by telling him I wil never get inbetween his relationship with DC and that I'm scared of what his reaction will be to this and ask him not to be hurtful towards me even just for the sake of our DC.

We have been married for 10+ years but here I am again without even remembering last year, I was a shell but now I have my answer.

Leaving him was right then, even if you are struggling. It is still early days and you were starting from rock bottom.

He makes it so hard, turning everything around and trying to confuse me but now I have my own words in black and white from last year.

I have felt this sad and lonely for a year and never even realised.

It's heartbreaking but this really is it, I will go to counselling with him as planned if it ever happens because I owe it to the DC to try everything but I've known this week I'm done and that letter and all the paperwork and copied documents from this time last year has just sealed it.

This need to be able to tell the children you've tried everything - where does it come from? (It's something I see regularly on MN). I have never once in the 38 years since my mum divorced my dad asked whether they tried everything. I'm glad they did divorce - they were not compatible at all and both have made much more successful second marriages.

In your case, I can't help but feel it is partly motivated because he will throw it back in your face, not the children. He twists your words and messes with your mind - I don't see how you think counselling will be any different. If he is a skilful liar the counsellor is likely to believe him and you may end up more confused about what you want.

It's because he will speak via text to the eldest DC but blank me and that the middle DC hates me at times, currently hates him for letting them down.

You are right, they won't remember anymore than I have the past year.

Its heart breaking but I think I've realised the right answer is to say yes to him finding permenent accomodation and then looking for a new home for me and the DC.

So I think if I read this right you think if you don't try counselling he will tell your oldest child that you refused to try everything? But you've also stated that he's a liar, so what's to stop him making up a story about how this is your fault, whatever you try and do?

I would stop trying to placate him by doing what he wants. Have you done a lot of that over the years?

Always and forever.

I'm done, I have read that letter I wrote last year over and over again.

Sad as it is I really do owe it to myself and DC.

Oh red.

red and just think... if you wrote that last year, you have probably been feeling like that for at least a year (if not a lot more) before then, you don't just write letters like that out of the blue :(

Be strong. Stay apart from him.