I need help to save my marriage :-(

[Wenchelda]

I'll try not to let this get too long winded and forgive me If it's all jumbled up but I'm literally crying as I write so may well make no sense. H and I have been married 4yrs, have DS age 3 and DD age 1. Our main problem is down to me and my complete lack of desire for any intimacy. I don't know why. It's been going on since DS was born but definitely got worse since DD arrived. I know my dh loves me and still fancies me, despite me putting on weight since having kids etc. I don't like my body at the mo... Don't know If that's part of the problem but I guess it doesn't help. I know I need to diet/exercise but I have no will power for diets and literally no time or energy for exercise. I love my h very much .... I definitely don't want our family to break up. I grew up with divorced parents and its not something I want for my kids. But at the same time, we can't go on like this. Dh thinks I'd rather be with someone else, which isn't true. I have no desire to be intimate with anyone. It's like there's some sort of switch inside me relating to anything sexual and I can't turn it on. We don't really kiss/cuddle anymore - he tries but for some reason I always pull away. On the rare occasions we do have sex, I am doing it purely to keep him happy - not because I want to. But sometimes I can't even bring myself to do that .... I don't know why. Sometimes I am physically cringing when he tries to touch me. I hate making him so sad - I've seen him crying because he thinks I don't want him. Maybe he's right that I love him buy don't fancy him anymore. How can I get that desire back? We have the usual stresses and strains of having 2 young children but I know the lack of sex is the root of our issues and that's what needs sorting. I suggests counselling but he said what's the point if I don't know what the problem is (as in why the desire has gone). I've googled some local counsellors but this has made me realise we probably couldn't afford it anyway.

Is there some sort of info online that could help us? Or a book? I feel like I need to make myself fancy him again or something. We never have time alone together without the kids, which I guess may help but dh works shifts and the kids are both only at nursery 2 mornings a week (until DS goes 5 mornings in sept) so it rarely (ie never) works out that we are both home whilst they are not. Having babysitters for an evening isn't really an option either as DS is a pain at bedtime and won't self settle, which means I have to sit with him til he's asleep (and then usually go in a least once in the night when he wakes. I regularly spend 2-4hours in his bed overnight).

Any suggestions? I don't want my marriage to fall apart thank you

I think it is a bit selfish of him to not even consider condoms as they are pretty much the only method that doesn't involve the woman mucking about with her body. Surely he'd rathe have sex with condoms than not at all?

If I could offer a man's perspective - being constantly refused sex by your DP is a massive issue, will seriously undermine their commitment and could bring the relationship into question. But your DH is being unreasonable, trying it on almost every night when he knows you are tired is counter-productive. And he should be prepared to take responsibility for contraception, either with condoms or if he really can't use them then he should accept non-penetrative options. When our DC were babies my DW would encourage - and sometimes help - me to masturbate if she was too tired/not interested - it sounds gross but it was very helpful at the time. Maybe this would be an option?

Yes he shouldn’t be trying to initiate things every night, that’s super annoying and is just going to make you want to avoid him. It sounds like he needs to do some soul searching and talk to you too.

That sounds like a positive step forwards.
Do you think you could also be feeling ‘touched out’? You have two young children and, even if you do love being close to them, it’s understandable & normal to crave some personal space & not want to be touched in your down time.
Good luck

I agree with dropping the hormonal BC and getting your hormone levels checked.

There were times when DH and I would have a cuddle and I'd give him a hand so to speak if I was too tired for full sex. But he also needs to accept that sometimes a cuddle is just a cuddle and just that can help you maintain intimacy.

This post is from 8 years ago, so poster may not respond.

Fucking zombie threads!!!