DP and his blooming STUFF!

[brandybabycham]

My DP is a semi-hoarder. He likes to keep stuff ? lots of it! Lots of books, lots of CDs, lots of old newspapers, lots of old clothes he no longer wears, lots of leaflets and booklets, lots of transport maps ? STUFF! I moved in 6 years ago and have lived AROUND him and his stuff. Then DD6 and DD3 came along?

We decided to move and rent the house. I started packing up the kids stuff and my stuff. DP doesn?t like anyone to touch HIS stuff. He stated numerous times?

?DD's have too many toys. I don?t want all this stuff in the new house?. So, I sorted through a lot of girls toys .

?We won?t take put anything in the new house that isn?t essential and hasn?t been sorted out?. So I sorted all our stuff out - furniture, utensils EVERYTHING to the minimum.

TH thought "OK. He?s turning over a new leaf, he?s making an effort?, he wants to do things differently???SO, I sorted through EVERYTHING belonging to the girls and I ruthlessly and boxed it, and threw away a lot of stuff. DP didn?t lift a finger!

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought ?? HE?LL DO IT SOON???

Well, it ended up taking a YEAR to move into our new place, and still DP hadn?t started sorting out his stuff !!

I moved us into new home ? making sure girls and I only took the essentials and personal stuff.

Does DP sort out anything?!!

DP literally fills bags and boxes with all that is in his cupboards and takes it - straight into wardrobes in new house. However, he still left loads of stuff in old property (to sort out and throw away)

Fast forward 4 months and we are now ready to rent old property. DP waits until 2 days before renters due ? to bag up rest of his gear and - YES ? BRING IT ALL TO NEW HOUSE!

Now, house is empty it needs a clean. DP wants ME to go around and clean it!!! I refused, so he is paying £80 for a ?deep clean?. I am fuming!

This could have been done months ago if he had 1) sorted his stuff out months earlier 2) cleared old property sooner 3) sorted stuff before bringing to the new house to dump!!

And breathe??.

regarding the piles of papers and mail - it's not always a MH issue. Some people are just plain lazy to deal with it. My post lies unopened unless I know it's interesting - all the bills and statements are there but I'm scared to throw away as my ID could be stolen (it happened once -someone faked my passport and it was pita for a year, though it wasn't to do with looking through mail, I don't think). Of course I can shred it - but it's so time consuming, noisy and boring. I've just sorted out 3yr old mail and now have a pile to shred, though at least the rest got thrown away. So it depends on the reasons. If someone offered to shred lots of stuff for me, I'd be very happy.

With the greatest respect, there's a world of difference between being too lazy to shred stuff (a category I also fit in to! - I'm no way neat or tidy, my house is a mess but I'm not a hoarder - I can let go of things happily I just don't have time to do it) and He likes to keep stuff ? lots of it! Lots of books, lots of CDs, lots of old newspapers, lots of old clothes he no longer wears, lots of leaflets and booklets, lots of transport maps ? STUFF!

Trazzle you would at least try, yes.

But lots of people do keep on trying to support, and tolerate all that goes with it, whilst the hoarder is going really making much effort to change. Or none.

That is my point. Nobody should feel they owe that to anyone else.

Isn't really making effort, I mean.

Sigh about posts on phones.

Trazzle

There are one off shredding services. You can just bag it all up and drop it at a shredding service, or if there's really loads they will come and collect it. Google "shredding service" + placename

Thanks, it's allinaflutter that's looking for one. But always good to know!

Oh, whoops!

I think there is a broad range of behaviour like this. My DH has hoarding tendencies but there is definitely an element of laziness about sorting out heaps of post etc too. OP, possibly time for a trip to Relate or similar? I am concerned at the way this is spilling over to affect your DC. I am pretty sure if it came down to a conflict between DH's magazine hoard and DD's stuff, he would sort it.

My DH has hoarding tendencies but after years of working on him he's better than he was. The one thing that reminds me of this situation is he's hyper-aware of mine and the DC'ss mess but doesn't "see" his own. The lightbulb moment came for him a few months ago when after years of me making him do charity shop runs "it's a good jacket". "It was a good jacket. Now it's a threadbare jacket", he turned around to me and said "do you know, all that stuff you've made me give away, I couldn't tell you what any of it was"

Thanks all for your posts. They were very helpful!!

I have decided to confront him today. I am going to take him around the bedroom and just point out ALL his stuff - under the bed, stacked up in ALL the built-in wardrobes, piled against the wall and in all the drawers -and explain that this is now just like the house we just left (overcrowded junk yard) and WE need to work out a solution to remove it!

It isn't going to get any better. I lived with a hoarder. At first you question if the space you live in is big enough, if it really is a hoard or if you need more storage space, then you get more storage, more bookshelves, more wardrobes - floor to ceiling. Then things get put in the loft because there's no room in the floor to ceiling storage things take over the children's room. They have no space of their own. Then you will snap and leave it all

TVTonight there is absolutely nothing in what the OP has told is before today that suggests she has sat down and had it out with him before.

It isn't the same as looking perplexed when someone suggests you go to the Doctor. From what the OP has said this far, no one has "suggested he goes to the Doctor" from your example.

I stand by my previous post.

Good points here about getting him to seek professional help.

In the meantime, one sanity-saving technique for you may be 'allocating' a set amount of storage to each person who lives in the house. If they have more stuff than fits in their allocated storage space, it has to go -either thrown away or into storage paid for by the person.

He will try to argue that his possessions are more important, that it isn't fair, etc. you should stay calm and continue to state that you think everyone's possessions are equally important to their owners, important to make sure everyone gets a fair deal and kids get a chance to have collections as well etc.

I have experienced similar things with family members. Boundaries like this do help, a bit, especially if the problem isn't too bad yet.

I am a mildly reformed hoarder. I'd be going nuclear on him now too!! Mental illness or not he is being a selfish manipulative lazy twunt.

He needs to change in his head. Though keeping a house just for his stuff is severe. I've got rid of a serious amount of stuff this year after having a moment of enlightenment. I saw the light so to speak but I was shown the way by someone who forced me a little, but who was also very supportive. I wanted to change but I didn't know how. I thought I was down to bare minimum but I wasn't anywhere near it. I received lots of ideas and support via the Good Housekeeping threads on mn.

You sound like an angel but you've seen just how far he's in this through recent events.

If I were you (and this is easy to say I know) I would be laying down an ultimatum. The time is right. But do remember he will feel overwhelmed and powerless to change. Support him, show him how you sort one room and the difference it makes. Once he can FEEL its ok to let go, he may change very suddenly and get rid. If he's essentially very lazy he might need lots of help

My heart goes out to you and your DC. ITs a shocking situation.

sudo, thanks, what a relief as I have piles to shred ! I really didn't know that. I hope it's cheap too