Very unhappy but no way out

[jollyjester]

I'll try to keep this short but can't promise anything!

The last few months I have been so unhappy in my marriage but I can't work out who is at fault or if I'm just being silly.

We have been together for 10 years and married for 4 and have a 2 year old DD.
My PIL never really warmed to me, they made it clear at the start of our relationship they preferred DH ex GF (they weren't even together that long) and they constantly criticise everything I do with regards to my work my home and my DD. DH says I'm too sensitive and because they Are older i need to accept they are the way they are and just take in on the chin, DH says during arguments that if anything happens them he doesn't want me anywhere near him again because apparently I'm awful to them. I don't think I am, I do everything I'm required to but I don't let them walk over me.

Recently DH shouts all the time about everything I do. Nothing seems good enough. I work 3days a week and 1 evening but do all housework, cooking cleaning etc because when I'm at home with DD 'that's not work.' I do my best but I can't maintain the standards he expects.

I try to talk to him about how I feel but he just shouts at me that I have it lucky that he pays the majority of the bills etc. this is true but before DD was born I worked full time and now even on my 3 day a week salary I still contribute the same amount to the household as I did before.

It's getting too much for me to take. I walk on eggshells so I don't upset him but he won't talk he just shouts and storms off after swearing every horrible thing he can think of at me.

I can't leave him as I can't afford to, my parents really like him because I'm the only one who ever sees this side of his personality. I'm so scared that I'm going to be unhappy forever as he is just getting worse.

Sorry this was so long, just so hard when I started typing to stop.

Counseling?

I'm no expert but his behaviour sounds abusive to me. Could you contact Woman's Aid for a chat? They may be able to signpost you to financial advice. You shouldn't be tied to someone because of money and there are people out there whose job it is to help you. I really hope you can get help and get away from this man.

I suggested going to talk to someone but he wouldn't hear tell of it because he says he's happy and its me with all the problems.

He admits his parents argued the whole time he was growing up so shouting is they only way he knows to sort things. I can vouch for that because they fight all the time. On the other hand I like to talk things out but he will never listen to me just calls me stupid unreasonable etc. he will never attempt to say sorry after a row, its always me because I hate the tension it causes.

Hi jollyjester,
if you are going to stay with your DH then things are going to have to change. Starting with sorting out your finances (him paying more towards bills, mortgage etc.). It would be worthwhile to attend counselling, but you will need to be forceful to make your DH attend.

He sounds like my BIL. My DSis is now trying to seperate/divorce him after taking this kind of shit for nearly 20 years. His mother treated my DSis just the way your PILS do you. So either make a change together, as a team, or think of leaving. I'm sure your parents will support you in this if you tell them the real story.
Hope this helps.

Nothing is impossible in this sort of situation.

I know it's considered unethical, but I would record him while he's being horrible and play it to your parents so they know what you have to put up with.

Have you been on the Entitled To website where you can see what tax credits etc you would be entitled to if you lived alone? It might be a bit of an eye opener for you.

I'd also be saying to him that until his parents can be civil, you won't be visiting them. He can take your child to visit but you won't be going. You have the right to be treated politely. Remind him that your mum is civil to him and you deserve the same.

Are you sure you want to continue a relationship with him? He doesn't sound the nicest of husbands.

And tell him that yes, you are the one with the problems. Your problems are his parents are rude to you and his manner towards you, his wife, is appalling. Tell him it is awful living with someone who shouts all the time and yes, you will have the counselling in order to decide whether to stay or not.

Contact Citizens Advice to find out what you would be entitled to. Money is not a reason to stay in an awful relationship.

He disrespects you and he takes advantage of you in terms of finances, childcare and housework (no wonder he says he is happy!). His standards are not high, what is likely going on is that nothing you do will EVER be good enough because he enjoys criticising you to make himself feel superior to you. Read this book - it will open your eyes a lot.

Turning everything on you and blaming you for being too sensitive is a classic way of making it all your fault and thus keeping you feeling guilty and trying to please him. No-one should have to walk on eggshells all the time, it is his way of controlling you.

Dd is learning about relationships from you two. Would you like her to have a marriage like this? He may seem nice to your parents but give them specific accounts of what he has done/said to you and they may see it differently.

What you're describing is certainly bullying and possibly emotional abuse. It's fairly common for someone with a bullying or controlling personality to ramp it up after the arrival of the first child. They see mothers as vulnerable, dependent, 'inferior' and that's when the problems start.

His parents sound horrible in their own right, they modelled an unhealthy relationship as he grew up, but it's far too easy to blame them for this. He's an independent, free-thinking adult and should be able to behave decently... not like an arse. If he's charming with everyone else and only turns on you behind closed doors then he is choosing to behave this way... and he could choose differently.

Please tell someone IRL what he's really like. He wants his true nature to remain secret and you're not obliged to keep that secret. Also, do some research on what a split would mean in practise by talking to a solicitor or CAB. You will find that you have more options than you currently think