Heartbroken. I finally told him (very long)...

[JustSoScared]

Long story very short, I have not been in love with my DH for about the last 5 years. He drank very heavily when we first met and it got worse after we had our first DS. He used to come home hammered on a regular basis and was utterly useless with our DS as a baby. He is withdrawn and emotionally crippled by a hellish, disfunctional childhood. I have encouraged him to seek help for his emotional problems but he has never wanted to.

He is socially very shy and is either withdrawn and very antisocial with my friends or has in the past, got totally plastered and hideously embarrassed us both.

He has lied to me endlessly. At first he was just covering his drinking tracks but more recently it became almost an obsession. It got to the point where he told me absolutely NOTHING about work, what he did outside of work or his family or anything at all.

Yet he would ask lots of questions about all the things I had been doing.

In the last few years he has made a huge effort to change. He has tried to be a better dad, laid off the drinking and done his best to be more involved at home.

The problem is, I'm just not in love him any more. I don't fancy him, I don't want to sleep with him and I despite trying desperately I just can't bring all those feelings back. I told him at the time when he was drinking that his awful behaviour was making me fall out of love with him but he carried on. There are only so many times you can watch someone collapse in a heap, or have your children find them face down on the floor in the morning before you stop loving them and just feel empty.

I have tried so hard, have channelled all my energy into my marriage, raised our 3 DC (I am a SAHM) and do everything at home. I have always supported him in everything.

We have tried counselling but in the end I felt that all she did was enable his behaviour and point the finger at me for not responding to his recent efforts by leaping into bed with him the way he wants me to.

Now I have told him that I can't carry on. I am so unhappy I can hardly breathe, the idea of spending the next 30 years of my life with him is more terrifying than being by myself.

So I told him, and he's absolutely bereft. He's crying and begging me to try to fix it. He loves me completely and I am so utterly heartbroken to be doing this to my family.

I always thought that I could just live with it. That I could go through the motions and keep all the plates spinning. I thought that the price of my happiness was too high, I couldn't hurt everyone so badly.

But now I'm so desperate I realised that I'm more scared of the dead-inside person I'm going to become if I stay. I have started to have feelings for someone I know and am realising that the likehood is I will probably end up cheating at some point. I don't want to wait until our situation is twisted and toxic before we part.

So I have to be strong and try to steer us through a separation that he doesn't want, probably a divorce and all while trying to make sure our children don't suffer too much. He's not a bad guy, we've just grown completely apart.

Thank you if you got this far, I think I'm just looking for some reassurance that I'm not a selfish and hideous person and that somehow we'll all get through this.

If you'd have cheated you would be a lot more selfish and it would have led to the same result.

Chin up, things will improve and hopefully he will find someone who loves him deeply and be grateful in the end

U don't rwally know what to say other than that you are not a selfish hideous person. You sound like you've made the right choice before the situation got worse and you got tangled in an affair with someone else or a toxic and harmful relationship with your husband. Well done on doing the right thing for you.

Hugs.

I don't really - my phone apologises for its mistakes!

No love, you are absolutely not a selfish and hideous person. I think if you're not in love, and have given it time and effort to get the feelings back to no avail then you are doing the right thing. Ultimately, you don't need his permission to end the relationship. Yes he'll be sad and it'll be hard but these things happen and you both deserve to be happy.

You're not 'doing this' to your family he's done it.

It wasn't very sensible to have kids with an alcoholic, but I guess you know that now...

This is his rock bottom (or will be) so it may be the thing that forces him to get help. Or it may not. Don't waste any more of your life sticking around to find out...

Have you tried Al Anon?

At the moment he won't accept it. He's asking me to do more counselling and he's desperately asking me what he has to do to make things right. I have said I would go, but more so that we can say we tried everything before we gave up.

The problem is I know it's not going to change anything, maybe it will just give him a bit of time to adjust to the situation. He's so desperate and panicking. I feel physically ill all the time and can't seem to stop crying at how we have ended up.

He didn't seem like an alcoholic when we met. We were young and both working in the City, everyone got pissed. It was only after a year or so that I noticed he always seemed to be the MOST pissed person.

His father died shortly after the birth of our DS which sent him into a complete tailspin. (Sorry to dripfeed).
His drinking has definitely calmed down. If he had been the person/father/husband that he is now all along this never would have happened. But he wasn't.

The fact he's even asking what he has to do to make it right?

The counselling is just stalling the inevitable... but it might him to grasp that it's over for good...

He knows that the drinking has been a huge part of our problems, but you're right. I don't think he ever considered himself an alcoholic. I think because he had a successful job he just thought it was a quirk of his personality. His friends didn't help, they thought it was hiiarious when they had to call me at 3am to ask our address because he had forgotten where he lived...

I've put all my anger aside though, that's what's so awful. I'm not angry at him any more because I can see how hard he's tried recently. He's a really lovely, kind, generous man and (now) is a wonderful father. He just had a shit start in life that has really affected who he is.

We don't even argue much, I always have known when he was lying but in the end I just stopped caring enough to argue. The children have no idea there is anything wrong.

Now that everything seems great to him, he can't understand why I still want to split. I wish I could just fall back in love with him but I just can't.

I am so unhappy I can hardly breathe

That is the essential truth of your situation. He may be trying hard to make amends but you are entitled to be happy, and so is he. You are entitled to choose to end your relationship if it no longer nourishes you (although truth be told it doesn't sound like it ever did).

I think it's probably unfair to do counselling if you've already decided it won't fix things. Prolonging the agony will not ultimately be helpful, and he may feel you've deceived him by pretending to give things another go. Equally I don't know what relationship counsellors do when one party admits they wish the relationship to end - at least it's a starting point for an honest discussion.

Is he still lying to you/stonewalling you, btw? You mention he has improved his drinking, tried to do more at home. But you don't say whether he has stopped lying.

It's likely his drinking will start to deteriorate again, btw, and it will be 'your fault'. It is not your fault. Please keep remembering this.

He has been trying to be more honest. I asked him why he had the right to expect total openness and honesty (and sex - which requires emotional connection) from me when he reserved the right to tell me nothing, talk to me about nothing and withhold everything.

The real problem is, the feelings I felt for the other man. It could never go anywhere, but just suddenly feeling anything again was intoxicating. Now the idea of never feeling like that again is horrifying to me. I mean, I know the initial flush of passion doesn't last forever in a marriage, but there is supposed to be more than this.

The idea of being alone for the rest of my life is also terrifying, but for some reason some part of me has just stood up and said 'no more'. And I can't back down again.

I'm so grateful for your responses by the way. There aren't many people I can talk to in RL about this.

I've no experience with the drinking but would think he has to change that on his own timescale, not as a result of (essentially) an ultimatum.

The rest - emotionally crippled etc - again, unless he truly wants to change and has the self-insight to recognise his problems, I'd think it's just deferring the inevitable to "try a bit longer".

I'd suggest to stop thinking abbot him and think about yourself. What do you need in your life and what needs to change etc. Sort yourself and dc out and if in the meantime things look brighter with him, have that option, but don't hang around waiting to find out if this warning is finally the one that makes a difference.

This pretty much happened to me. My exh went out drinking all the time, did fuck all with the dcs, and then got a bit too friendly with his best mates gf despite me asking him not to take the piss by going off drinking with her on their own. He moved out for a while 'to get his head straight', slept with her (which I didn't find out for a while after) and then wanted to come home and work things out. By which time I knew i didn't love him anymore and wasn't going to. He now lives with her and we all get on fine.

The way I see it, is every time someone lets you down or hurts you, you put up a bit of a wall around your heart. Over time, that wall becomes higher and higher until its so impenetrable you can't get past it again. And once it's gone, it's gone.

He may be a very nice man & a wonderful father but he has a mahoosive problem that he's taken no steps to address.

The fact is there are other people with shit childhoods who don't become alcoholics. And there are alcoholics who work really hard to cure their addiction.

I don't believe the children don't know btw, my friend's dad was an alcoholic from when she was born & the children just took their cue from their parents' glossing over the problem.

When your head is turned by someone else, your feelings for the person you're with dampen. And in your case even more so than they already are.

I would say, if you could, cut ties completely with the OM and then see if you still feel nothing for your H. Then you will know if you really don't or if its just a case of lusting after someone else.

From what you've written I don't think there's much hope for your relationship. Too little, too late and all that. Your H should have been a better partner years ago.

JaceyBee - your comments about the wall...it's like you read my mind.

Thank you so much for all your advice. I have a long and terrifying road ahead of me but your comments have reassured me that it's the right one. I have no experience with divorce, he has said he would always take care of us but I know at some point he's probably going to get angry and things won't always go smoothly.
The counselling meeting is next week. I'm going to use it as the start of a separation dialogue between us. He needs to understand that this is the end for me.

Thank you all.

A lot of couples actually go into counselling to spilt up. Even if neither of them know it at the time. I wish you all the very best, it's a long hard road but you will get to where you want to be. Feel free to pm me anytime x

You shouldn't feel guilty. If he was with someone now who behaved like that, he'd leave them, too.

The fact is that once you stop loving someone, it just can't come back. He knew that risk, he took the gamble - you even told him it would happen and he ignored it.

Now I don't want you to think I'm being horrible here, but you know what, he won't remain single for long anyway. Very few men do.

Take your chance of happiness and start again. You'll soon be breathing freely.

I disagree that you can't fall back in love with someone you've made a commitment to.

I honestly believe after the first flush has turned to the everyday, it's about a deeper kind of love and working together, in a mutually beneficial way.

In short, if love was the only issue here, and you both wanted to save your marriage, you could do it.

Now respect & trust...those are hard to feel again for anyone who's totally lost either/ both for a 'D'P who had it all and pissed it up a wall.

I second counselling to help you break up.

Good luck OP

Hang on, that's a completely different situation that you're describing. Yes, of course after the first flush of love and lust your love can turn into a deeper relationship and the lust and feeling of being in love can return.

The OP is talking about systematic abuse which has destroyed the love she had for him. It's a completely different scenario.

I worry from the voice of bitter experience if you will end up regretting breaking up your family. Is the prospect of a new, exciting relationship tainting your decision making process.

I totally respect that you'd prefer to make this decision before cheating. That is vey admirable. I did cheat, got caught, then realised I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I was so caught up in the excitement I lost sight of what was truly important in my life.

If the other person moved away and there was no hope of ever seeing him again, would you still feel the same way?

I am also ashamed to admit that I rationalised my behaviour by labelling my DH as controlling, critical and unloving. He is actually just totally involved in our family life, honest - in a kind way and extremely loving - he had just backed off (probably because I was being a bitch).

I believed myself then. The allure of a new, exciting relationship was very powerful.

Imperial I was answering a question. I believe that if a relationship is worth saving, it can be saved and a couple can fall back in love.

I also said if she has no trust or respect left, that's another matter.

As for systematic abuse, I work with women in abusive relationships and quite honestly, the OP needs to contact specialist support services for the Domestic Abuse issues, not a bunch of random strangers on an Internet forum who may or may not have an inkling about how to offer appropriate support to tackle the DA.

Hiya, no there's certainly no abuse in the way I would use the word. He's never been even slightly violent or aggressive. He's never cheated or done anything like that.

You all make a very good point about the other man. I don't have much option to avoid him for various reasons but to be honest, I've had the odd crush before and managed to squash them eventually so I'm not worried that I'll do something stupid. He's married anyway so definitely not going to happen. (I appreciate how naive that sounds!).

I think it just awakened in me the possibility of feeling that way about someone again, some day. It's like a part of me that I have denied for a long time is starting to wake up again. It's harder with this guy because I have got to know him very well over the last couple of years. I had no idea that underneath it all there was a spark of attraction, I honestly didn't realise.

Now I do I'm managing to keep my head down and avoid any potentially dangerous situations. Trust me...after all these years my self control is epic.

In the end, although I'm petrified at the idea of breaking up my family, I do feel like a couple of years from now we will all be happier, at least happier than we will be if we stay together. We have some money aside so he could potentially find somewhere to live nearby and see the kids as much as possible.

He's still very much in "action mode" right now. Buzzing around making plans for days out and sending me flowers. He does not accept that we aren't going to make it. For me, the seed of freedom from this half-marriage has been well and truly planted and I know I can't go on.

Imperial you know it's interesting, I actually hope you're right and he does meet someone else. I would love to see him truly happy with someone gazing at him adoringly like I used to. I know it will hurt, but he deserves to be loved.