Would you read your mum's diaries- if she wanted you to?

[darlingdaughter]

Like some opinions....

My mum is coming up to 87 and still relatively fit and active ( fingers crossed.) She has kept a diary for years and years- writing down all her emotions and so on. I know because she has told me as much and sometimes when we have been disputing when an event occurred in the past she'll rush off and consult the 'diary'.

Partly in fun, she has said that the diaries will be there when she's gone and again, in jest, I've said I'll burn them and not read them. The reason I feel this way is because I know my dad ( they are still married) almost divorced some years back when they were in their 70s, and my mum will have written all about this, about me, about the premature death of her brother 30 years ago, and more. My dad has joked too that her diaries are full of vitriol about him and her perceived slights due to his behaviour.

I think the diary writing is a way of getting it all out and off her chest, but there is no way I'd want to read them. She has, on a couple of occasions written me rather emotional letters (I live a long way from them) which included some stuff about their marriage and tbh it was TMI.

I am sincerely hoping that she has not or will not 'leave instructions' about the diaries - such as I have to read them or whatever, because I really, really don't want to.

I wonder if it ever crops up if I should tell her how I feel?

If I were you, I would lock them away somewhere and not read them. If you have a safe or someone in the family has one, I would put it there. I think you are right - there are bound to be things in the diary that are upsetting.

I know that when people get old, they need to revisit the past - even the bad times. That can make their loved ones uncomfortable. I know that my late Grannie used to bang on about sad things that had happened and it upset me a lot, tbh.

Maybe, if it would be a comfort, tell her that you'll keep them safe after she's gone, but that you don't want to read them as you feel it would be intrusive. Future generations might find them interesting.

I think you need to say something to her. Ask her what she wants to happen to her diaries when she's gone. I know it sounds really awful and you would have to phrase it tactfully, but better to know. If I kept diaries there's no way I'd want anyone to read them. My daughter keeps a diary and I wouldn't want to read them, either.

Diaries are often for letting off steam and they're great for that, but they are private. She shouldn't expect you to read them.

I would ask her what she wants to happen to them, agree, and then in the event do whatever I wanted to.

I would keep them safe but probably not read them. Actually, I have read part of a diary my mother kept when I was a newborn, but it mostly seems to be a record of my nappy contents and a few other comments (a particular flower in the garden has started blooming or something), and even reading that was a bit weird, when there was very little personal stuff.

I've had similar conversations about letters, coming from a family which never throws out letters. The consensus was mostly that you need a generation's gap, because it gives that bit more distance - so I'm fine with reading my grandparents' letters to each other, but my parents and aunts found it distinctly weird. My own parents are now both dead, and so I've ended up with correspondence between my mother and paternal grandmother, for example, and I haven't read much. In fact, I stopped after about 2, because it wasn't the time I needed to know my mother described me to my grandmother as a prig when I was a child. There's enough stuff I struggle with in my relationship to my mother, without knowing it's been even worse than I realised at the time.

But I haven't actually destroyed them, either. I may never read them, but for now, I still have the choice.

I know there will be stuff in there that I don't want to read. My mum is a very emotional person though it's more the 'drawing in of breath through clenched teeth' type than shouting! I know she has never got over my moving away from her, and even years after I was married would ask if DH could get a job near to them in my home town. I do feel guilt about this and now, as she's old, I wish I was closer and saw more of them. But I don't want to read about this, or about all her worries about my life, my broken relationships, etc etc which I am sure will be in there!

They will also I am sure include stuff about my dad which will be her opinion and one-sided, and I don't want to read things that might make me dislike my dad- their marriage isn't great, he's been a selfish oaf at times, but as a dad he's always been great. I want to be able to hold onto that and not her memories of their dodgy marriage.

I read MIL's diaries after she died. They were not detailed - mostly about decorating, and appointments and how much she paid for shopping. It was useful as she died quickly of cancer and also made detailed medical notes (which we just skimmed and chucked TBH). The only things she ever wrote about people were nice. Anyway, it was reassuring to see that all the right things had been done healthwise, and we enjoyed reading the lists of things done for OH's nursery.

She was a very open person and all the problems she had with people were sorted at the time and we knew about, so not written down. She had a very manipulative MIL.

During holidays, she kept a very detailed holiday diary which had more thoughts in, and these were always meant to be read. If we put them together with the photos, we can go for virtual holidays!

I wouldn't read them either. Mine is also an avid diary writer and has actually gloated to me how much her diaries will upset me when I eventually read them. I won't be reading them safe to say, but my children will find them interesting I'm sure!

bluebird how cruel and vile of her! If my mother kept diaries I would never read them. I'd be too scared of what I would read.