How do you break an addiction when that addiction is a person?

[ScratchMyEyeballOut]

Ever since I meet my DP 18 months ago I have been obsessed with him and I just don't know why. Started on the very first night I met him and it just hasn't died down. We started getting quite serious after around 3 months in (although secretely I'd been in love with him from day 1) and despite EVERYTHING he's done to me - gone away without calling for days on end, rejoined dating sites and chatted up other women online, got drunk and verbally abused me, accused me of sponging off him and using him as an easy ride, putting my needs below everyone elses, refusing to let me meet his family for ages despite the fact that he'd met all mine, avoids going out with me if his mates are there etc etc - I still love him so much. He's all I think about. We live together now and his behaviour is just as shit - he lets me sit there and massage him for ages and never offers it back (if he does it's half hearted). He doesn't really support my career, never really wants to spend time with me - is sarcastic towards me - urgh the bottom line is I KNOW he does not feel the same about me as I do about him. Example - when I'm up for work first I get out of bed, hug him and kiss him - when he's up first he gets up and just goes.

So I KNOW it's pretty one sided - but I can't break my addiction to him even though I just want to start detaching so that when the inevitable happens, I'm prepared for it. How do you break an addiction to someone you love and live with?

Same as any other addiction/obsession/unhealthy behaviour pattern... you ask for practical help to reject it. That can be support from the people around you IRL, moral support from randoms on Mumsnet, agencies that can help with everything from accommodation to finances to self-esteem courses.

A lot of bullies can spot vulnerability in someone and will exploit and manipulate it mercilessly. Your initial infatuation was probably the vulnerability this one spotted. They then create dependency in others by crushing what spirit they have left and making them believe that this is all they deserve. Trapping the victime. If you have time, look up 'Stockholm Syndrome'.... the psychological phenomenon where prisoners develop attachment feelings to their jailers, mistaking absence of harm for kindness. That's what you're experiencing here, not love.

So I'll put the ball firmly in your court with a direct question. Who could you get on your side and what small, practical thing could you do today, right now, that would get you a step closer to packing your bags?

Don't wait for him to leave you, leave him first. You sound like you know its not going to work out which is the first step i guess, but now you have to take control and do something about it.

If you call the shots, it will help you feel stronger than if you wait for him to dump you. Then you'll just want to try and get him back.

I think your question is stalling the inevitable. It implies there is a process that needs to happen in your head before you kick him out. I'm not sure that's true. If that "he is a shit and I am wasting my time" realisation hasn't happened as a result of his shit behaviour, it's hard to see how you can think yourself into it.

You just need to dump him. Focus on the practical matter of kicking him out, being firm about it, getting back-up to follow it through if necessary. Would you family/friends be supportive?

You describe how little you are getting from him now, but I suspect that whatever he is grudgingly giving will get less and less.

Try to fast forward 5 years, the love you describe will have turned into bitterness and regret, you will still be giving everything but will be getting less and less.

Now try to fast forward 5 years remembering how hard it was to pack this chumps bags but how far you got without him and what a massive bullet you dodged.

None of the behaviour you describe is right, you know this because you have identified it and written it down.

People like this do not change, you cannot love a bad lad into being a good lad so don't waste your time with that.

It may be hard to see right now but this isn't even about his behaviour at all, is about what you believe you are worth and I promise you, you are worth more than this and that this man is worth nothing.

People like this are toxic and are very cunning, what they get out of it is the power to control another person and then laugh about it with their mates down the pub.

Don't be that person. You shouldn't be the butt of anyone's jokes.

See if there's a CODA (co-dependents' anonymous) near you.

If this a pattern OP?

Addiction to a person or thing can be a way of avoiding painful stuff...

Gosh are you me 2 years ago? I don't normally post, however your post really struck a cord with me. No helpful advice other than follow the invaluable advice you will receive on here. I guess the most important issue is that you realise that this situation and imbalance of power (not love )is not "right" . You rightly deserve much , much more. May be stop trying to be all things to him? Ie don't get up, kiss him etc... Make sure your ok, i.e. shower, breakfast etc then leave for work just as he does.

Sorry but I really think the only way you will achieve happiness again is to go cold turkey. I did and it worked... Amazingly quickly too.

I agree with fraggle.
I took my see-u-next-tuesday back 5 times.
Then he did something lower than low and that was it.

Went no contact and it's been fine.
Don't waste over 2 years like I did.
Get out now - it really doesn't get any better - trust me on that one!
And mine was nothing like you describe yours either!!!

Google traumatic bonding. It will help you to understand what's happening in your relationship and why it feels so addictive.

Every time something happens that makes you feel bad, try to analyse it in terms of what you've read about traumatic bonding. It will help strip away some of the hold it has over you.

You won't be able to detach completely as long as you are living together. It will be a lot easier to detach if you go cold turkey and then try to analyse and learn from this relationship, but if you're not yet able to do that, hopefully this will help.

Addiction to people can be love addiction or codependency. How to deal: find a good therapist specialising in this, think about going along to CoDA or SLAA meetings, read books on above topics like ones by Melodie Beattie. Your relationship, as you describe it, sounds really horrible, that is not a life and you deserve so much better.