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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can we move on?

7 replies

OfCourseOfCourse · 17/07/2013 21:54

My DH had sex with someone else in our house, five months ago. I got home from work early for once, and found them in a post-coital state on the sofa. She is the mother of his youngest son. (Their relationship was over before I met him, before anyone asks.)

I left him, but I did go back after three months. We had a really good relationship before that happened, I was totally in love with him. I didn't want to lose him, and he was very remorseful. There was a lot of heartche and introspection and hours and hours of talking before I went home.

He insisted it was the only time he cheated on me, and it would never happen again. He agreed to whatever measures I needed to take to feel secure with him again and he understands I don't trust him now.

I really want to get past it, and move forward but it's still on my mind every day (it doesn't help that we still have the same house and same sofa!) I'm paranoid about whether he lied - the first time I ever got home early from work and I caught him cheating on me for the first time? I love him, but sometimes I feel a wave of hate for him out of nowhere. And sometimes I don't want him touching me because I can still see him cuddling her. He has lost patience with talking about it. He says I can't keep throwing it at him all the time.

But how do I stop thinking about it? I really want to know how to draw a line under this!

OP posts:
SoleSource · 17/07/2013 21:59

Couple counselling, go private if you can afford to. What a shock that must have been. Lots of relationships survive infidelity. The counselling route can make or break you. Be prepared. Give it a go, tell him you need it if he refuses he could be hiding stuff from you. If he doesn't want to go, go on your own to a counsellor if you can, you need support too and work out how to overcome the terrible hurt.

Good luck x

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 17/07/2013 22:20

5 months is nothing. If he can't accept that it will take a lot longer than 5 months to get over it (if ever) then he's not really trying is he?

Xales · 17/07/2013 22:26

You left for three months.

So you have only been back together and trying for 8 weeks and he has already lost patience with you and wants to to STFU about it.

Not really trying that hard is he...

OfCourseOfCourse · 17/07/2013 22:40

Well, we did talk about it pretty intensively for the time I was at my Mums. I was the one who said it would be a fresh start when I moved back in but I've found it impossible to stick to.

The big issue for me is that I find it so hard to believe that was the first time it happened, isn't it a big coincidence? I don't have a gut feeling that he cheated before, and I haven't found any evidence - but it just seems logical that it probably wasn't the first time! I almost want him to tell me he shagged her every weekday afternoon for the last year just so I'm proved right!

Have you been to couples counselling SoleSource I think he would go, and at least I could talk about it there without him trying to distract me...

OP posts:
ageofgrandillusion · 17/07/2013 22:51

Probably not the first time, definitely wont be the last. I'd like to be sympathetic OP but, frankly, if you stay with this dirty twat you get what you deserve.

WinkyWinkola · 17/07/2013 22:59

A freshly start does not mean not talking about it etc.

It does not mean letting him off the hook and carrying on as if nothing happened.

It means total honesty, frankness with gentle kindness and no fucking about.

He shagged his ex in your home. And now he's shirty over you wanting to talk about it, building your trust etc.

Is he REALLY such a catch? He sounds awful to me.

SoleSource · 17/07/2013 23:41

Yes, I went to couples counselling and blurted out I didn't love him anymore and that was that after five minutes!

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