Disappointed and sad because of my mum

[nicecupofteaandbiscuit]

Last night I posted a link on facebook to the bbc news story about same sex marriage almost being approved, with the comment "Hurrah!".

This morning I received an email from my mum asking why I was telling everyone I am a lesbian, saying she is fed up of having to defend me to people, asking what my DP makes of it all and telling me to think before speaking or writing in the future.

I am so sad and disappointed. Not only because we obviously don't share the same values, but that what her friends/colleagues think is more important than my feelings. We have had a rocky relationship in the past, but I am getting married in 3 weeks and this year we had been doing so well. We've been dress shopping together, she came on my hen do etc. I was planning to put together some nice photos of us in a frame for a gift at the wedding. Think I might shelve that idea now.

Btw, just for clarity, I am not a lesbian. I realise its not clear from my post.

My mum moved to Australia and for some reason turned into a massive racist homophobe which was embarrassing and odd for me. I really feel for you.

Doesnt she understand that you can be happy for other people without actually benefitting from the news yourself? Would she say your were disabled if you posted something similar about a breakthrough in disability discrimintion?

My love, as much as you WANT her to be the Mary Poppins Mum that ALL of us deserve, she's not that person.

As for her comment about her being sick of defending you to people!? That's just NASTY!

She doesn't have to, or need to defend you to a soul! You are not doing anything wrong.

If I were you i'd be tempted to send her own email back to her but substitute the lesbian références she hurls at you for homophobic, daily mail bigot. See how she likes THAT!

Her views are those to be ashamed of, not yours!

Have you replied to her vile email?

I haven't replied, because I don't feel like I can ever win an argument with her. Not only am I really sad, but this whole thing is casting a shadow over my wedding. I know I'm not in the wrong, but I'm still upset.

Does she often end up making things about her? Manipulating situations where she is not the centre of attention? I wonder whether (as clearly if you are about to marry a man, she is mistaken about you being a lesbian) she is feeling upstaged by your wedding and by making such strange and inaccurate accusations, she is seeking to upset you in some way?

You can't win an argument with an idiot.

They'll always play the Stupid card, and you don't have that in your hand.

You know you're right in your thinking, and you know that she's not.

Unfriend her from FB. If she asks say that you're not prepared to EVER give her the opportunity to send you such a ridiculous and bigoted email.

Leave it at that.

You can't win the argument in this type of siuation usually, but you can make it clear that your values and feelings are just as valid as hers. Let her know calmly that you are hurt and offended by her comments, but that you have no intention of changing your support for same sex marriage. If that upsets her, it is her problem and not yours.

Frisky yes. Although in this situation I think it is because she is worried about appearances, ie. she is worried that friends and colleagues will find out. A couple of years ago, one of her colleagues asked her if I was going out with a "Paki". DP is Hispanic, and someone I am friends with must have seen pictures of me and him on Facebook, then mentioned to his mum (the colleague). Obviously I have now unfriended anyone who is likely to do this.

I have now unfriended my mum as well. Honestly, I didn't even think she used Facebook. She only has four friends, one of which is me. I can't think of why else she would go on there except to see what I am up to.

chocolate good idea. I think I will leave it a bit longer though first and see if she makes the first move.

nicecup
What is your mum worried about?

You say "She is worried that friends and colleagues will find out"

Find out what exactly?

Find out that I am in favour of same-sex marriage, or think that I am a lesbian. This is what she means when she says she doesn't want to have to defend me to people.

You've done right unfriending her on Facebook. If she asks why you can say that she seemed to be getting upset about some of the things you posted, and therefore it seemed better that you didn't have that to argue about. As has been said, you're unlikely to change her thinking on this, so I would focus on saying you don't want to argue with her and therefore you don't want to discuss it or have the opportunity for her to disagree with your views.