Dad died - feel very little. Is this wrong?

[whatdoesittake48]

I found out yesterday that my father died. he was in his late 80's and I have seen him just once in the last 5 years. I talk to him at christmas time - but as he lived in a different country, communication was very limited.

When I found out, I was upset - just because it was a shock I suppose. I was subdued for a day or so. But now I feel almost normal. is this wrong? Even my kids questioned why I wasn't upset. they must think it is strange.

I won't be travelling to the funeral (it is literally the other side of the world) but will write something to be read out by my brothers. They are taking care of all the arrangements.

The thing is I don't feel sad or anything much. is this normal? We got on OK when I was a child but as a teenager we clashed often. in later years I discovered the extent of his treatment of my Mum - which was terrible. he was from a different generation where women were not important. I hated that. I just put him out of my life.

the thing is that now I feel guilty that my brothers seem more upset than me. I live all the way over here and just don't consider my family very much at all. Is that harsh?

My Mum died 5 years ago and I was inconsolable even though I hardly ever saw her. Spoke to her often though. My parents were not living together since I was 12.

I guess I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

Yes.. me. My father and I were never close. My parents separated when I was about 6yrs old and my father remarried about a year later. The woman had 2 children, they had another son together (his first). My older sister was the apple in his eye. I was just.. extra? Temperamentally we were quite similar but we had no basis for a relationship and it never grew. He was not very interested in me and I was scared of him as a child.
My sister died when I was 26, it was very traumatic as she was suffering badly with mental health issues and had a small child. My father was very upset but also made some decisions that made things very much worse for me. I tried to rekindle some form of contact but it was kind of hopeless. I knew he would have 'given me to God' to trade me for my sister, something like that.
5 Years later, he suffered a stroke (as my sister had, it runs in the family) and was admitted to the hospital in a come. The hospital was at the corner of the street where I lived. His wife phoned me only when he died a few days later. She did not want me there.
I did go to his funeral but I was not emotional, I just thought I might regret it if I had not gone.
There was so much pain in the family.. I just did not have any grief left for him, it was all done before he died.

my condolences, I am sorry for your loss and to be clear, I do not think you should be 'made' to feel anything. Grief is a strange process and it may run differently than you expect. There is no wrong here though.

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

My father died five months ago after a sudden illness. He was a very charming, utterly self-centred, womanising drunk. I hadn't really had any contact with him for years and I chose not to see him in hospital before he died. Nevertheless when the end finally came it was a shock but I can't say I felt much in the way of sadness. I had largely come to terms with the fact that while he was my father he wasn't any real kind of dad a long time ago. To be frank, I'd written him off years past.

That being said, over the following weeks I wasn't quite myself. I had a vague "disconnected" feeling about me which is hard to describe; it was like I was just slightly out of touch with the world around me. I think it was part shock, part mild grief and part bewilderment that it had finally occurred.

I did go to the funeral but, honestly, I went more to re-connect with my father's side of the family and to support my mother than for anything particularly to do with my father. I'm glad I had the opportunity to go but I don't think it would have made much difference to me if I hadn't.

I did make sure to give myself opportunities to just sit and think about him. That was worth it and it helped me to come to peace about him and my own reaction to his death. From my point of view he'd largely died decades ago.

Whatever feelings events like this stir up are ok. There isn't a particular way you're supposed to feel or behave. Don't beat yourself up because you're not feeling the way you think you "should" feel or that your feelings don't match someone else's. It doesn't mean anything. Give yourself time and space to work through this in a way that is right for you.

Be kind to yourself.

"I was subdued for a day or so. But now I feel almost normal. is this wrong? "

Given that you weren't very close, didn't talk except once a year & given his advanced years, I think it would be less 'normal' if you were horribly upset for an extended period. Nothing has significantly changed about your relationship - if that doesn't sound peculiar - except that he's gone from 'cut out' to 'not there'. My guess is that you will spend the next few months occasionally reflecting and remembering and that, if you're sad at all, it'll be some trivial thing that makes you mourn for what you missed out on. Not him specifically.

Don't feel guilty btw.

Thank you all for being so kind. I suppose everyone deals with things in different ways. if my dad had been a nice person i would feel quite different.

But actually, he wasn't (only if it suited him). he refused to help me financially to attend university as it wasn't something women should do. I went anyway. he was a serial cheater, a verbal abuser and ruled the house with an iron fist. I wasn't scared of him because i was the only girl and got special treatment, but my brothers bore the brunt.

My cousins used to be told that they would be sent to live with us if they were naughty...they were all terrified of him. he liked to be seen as the ruler - a bit like the mafia Dad. He was a member of a private golf club while my mother struggled to put food on the table. it was all about show - and us kids were prized possessions expected to act perfectly (which we did).

that said, he was fun to be around sometimes, he would talk to me for hours about all kinds of subjects, he was clever and knowledgeable (but always right!).

it is hard to accept, but I wouldn't be the person I am right now without his influence. I have had a good life, but accepted some crap relationships because of his poor example.

I need to remember that he came from a different time, he had me late in life and his parents were Victorian catholics with 13 other children. His life had to be harder than mine.

thank you for allowing me to get things straight. it is good to hear that other people have been through the same and that I am not unusual.

I read, somewhere like the John Cleese 'Families and how to survive them' books that this was perfectly normal, even with the most perfectly functioning releationship.

I was the same with my mother. We had a difficult relationship, but I felt I had done my best to deal with things, and do the right thing by her and my own family when she was alive, even if it was not perfect.

Sending something over to help your brothers is a good idea and will help them cope. You can only do what you can do.