Is my husband a narcissist?

[LittleMissGerardButlerfan]

For a long time I have struggled to communicate with OH and get my point and opinion across. I have realized recently that he lacks empathy and it has been suggested to me that he is a narcissist.

Having had a look online here are some of the things which sound familiar.

If someone has an opinion which is different to him then it's wrong, he won't accept that different opinions might not be wrong and that you can both be right. Or even accept that sometimes he might be wrong. (I'm not perfect but will admit when I'm wrong).

He likes to be the centre of attention and if he isn't makes up stories/makes things sound more interesting than they are so people want to hear them.

He doesn't care what other people do, eg at a kids party on Saturday the birthday child hadnt arrived so people were waiting outside, I said we should wait but no he went inside anyway.

If I try to criticize anything he does or challenge anything he changes the subject or denies it, again noone likes critisizm but this is too an extreme.

If something is wrong in our marriage and he is in a mood it's my fault for making him in a mood.

Nothing is ever his fault and he can't see other people's side of things or understand how others might feel about things.

Yet people think he's this wonderful happy funny person and are shocked if I say what he can be like. So then I start to doubt myself and think it must be me.

So does it sound like he has these traits? I would be grateful for any thoughts/advice as I certainly can't talk to him about it!

He probably does have some narcissistic traits yes but that is true for most of us. He does sound very self interested and grandiose. Really though, it doesn't matter much if he is or isn't, what matters is whether you're ok with tolerating his behaviour and whether you can be bothered to put up with it for the rest of your life. He doesn't sound like a very appealing person to be around.

Who suggested he might be a narcissist? Someone on here or in rl?

Just to add, the behaviour you have outlined would be nowhere need enough to get him a dx of NPD. Not even close.

• near enough

Regardless of whether he is a narcissist or otherwise there are serious problems here. At the very least he is selfish, self absorbed and dare I say also abusive.

Most narcissists aren?t in therapy, and even if they are, may not be diagnosed as NPD. Psychologists freely admit this, as well as the frustration and impossibility of working effectively with NPDs.

Why are you together at all given his behaviours?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I understand the impulse to get a label to put on someone you're struggling with - it can be helpful as a way of framing his behaviour and thinking about it objectively.

Ultimately, however, as Jacey says, it's not about an armchair diagnosis (which nobody can really provide over the internet), it's about considering his behaviour and whether you can live with it.

From what you've said, he sounds like an arse at the very least.

That's right Attila, and when they do come to therapy it's because everyone else in their lives is soooo unreasonable and if they would all just accept that they're right and stfu everything would be fine and why can't you as the therapist do something about this! They're so bloody obvious you see through them straight away.

Therapy can be successful but it's not easy and can take a lot out of the therapist, you have to be very careful and closely supervised when working with them.

I think you will find people are reluctant to "diagnose" over the internet. My advice to you would be that if the NPD websites etc are helping you, and you're not planning on running in with a crack team of internet psychiatrists to get him put away, then there's no harm at all in speculating, especially if it helps you come to a decision about your relationship and realise that it is not you.

It is extremely difficult, probably impossible, to have a fulfilling and happy relationship with somebody who is a narcissist or who has similarities to a narcissist. The specific situations you outline in your OP could go either way, really, but isn't that the difficulty when you come to try to explain what it is like to live with him? Each incident on it's own, especially when summarised, can be easily explained away as a difference of opinion, misunderstanding or only hearing one side. But that doesn't explain the overall crazy feeling you get from living with someone who has narcissistic traits.To me, the fact that you're even entertaining the possibility that he might be one says that there is something badly wrong.

Another word for someone like this is an "emotional vampire" - maybe not full on NPD (I'm not a psychiatrist) but there are definitely more emotionally draining people around than first seems, I think.

Good luck. It's a weird old journey.

I guess I posted as I am trying to convince myself it's not all my fault and if there is a reason for his behaviour then I can justify considering leaving him if that makes sense?

I know noone can tell me over the Internet, I suppose I just am wanting someone to say its not normal to be like that? I have nothing to compare it to really as its the only long term relationship I have had.

I have anxiety and low self esteem so convince myself it must be my fault?

I don't think I am explaining myself very well but I hope you know what I mean!

Sounds like a bloke to me. Perhaps my OH is also a narcissist. He's ALWAYS right.

He could possibly just be highly ego-centric and not empathetic.

Narcissism has a fundamental manipulation spin to it. Sometimes that can be hard to define unless you have some distance or know what you are looking for. A quote from one of the links below summed up the key element, for me: " Literally every little thing that happens gets twisted back round onto the victim and they are left scratching their head with wonder thinking 'is it me? '"
Have a look at these articles, for an awareness of more narc specific behaviours
as parents
spotters guide
recognising if you are a victim

He sounds like a man who thinks he knows better than you and doesn't value what you say too much. What do you do op.....are you working and do you have your own life ?