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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable with dh?

25 replies

Ferret123 · 17/07/2013 00:05

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to get some other viewpoints on my current 'discussion' with dh. This will probably all sound daft to you but it's the cause of some rows in our house at the moment, to the point where I've lost the thread and can't tell if I'm being unreasonable.

My husband's brother is married to a woman who I don't like and who doesn't like me - it's never been really spoken about, but we're never going to be the best of friends, for too many reasons to go into here (she's the kind of woman who gets on well with men but doesn't have many female friends...) anyway, the other couple are really selfish and just not very thoughtful people. We have two children and so do they. We bought them lovely wooden toys last Christmas and they got ours toys from tesco for a fiver with the labels still on. Please don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm materialistic, but it's the principle of the thing.

On my last birthday I got nothing,no present or card. My daughter had her third birthday about six weeks ago - they didn't send a card, and we only got her present a week ago when we visited them, wrapped in a bin bag or whatever black plastic bag it had arrived in.

It's SIL's birthday in a couple of weeks time, and I told dh I would be upset if he bought her anything because they plainly don't give a cr@p about us, in particular me and our kids. He says he has to because it's the right thing to do...I've said it's a bit like a slap in the face but he's sticking to his guns. If he really wanted to send a card then i could maybe understand that, but he doesn't even like this woman that much himself. Am I right to feel a bit miffed by this, would you? Believe me I know there are worse problems in the world, and this probably sounds silly, but I'm trying to get a bit of perspective, not easy when you have a bit of baby brain.

Thanks!

OP posts:
FingersCrossedLegsNot · 17/07/2013 00:13

I would be furious with my dh in this situation. I'm very dramatic and tell him it's either me or her!

TWinklyLittleStar · 17/07/2013 00:14

I think if he wants to be the better person, and maintain his relationship with his brother, you should respect that even if they are arses.

outingmyselfprobably · 17/07/2013 00:15

Really Fingers? Hmm

I'd do what your DH is doing OP.

HarderToKidnap · 17/07/2013 00:15

It's his family, if he wants to buy and send her a pressie it's up to him.

GingerJulep · 17/07/2013 00:18

Timing and wrapping aren't necessarily the be all and end all.

You and DH need to decide if you are going to 'do' presents for the adults or not.

If DH really wants to, it is his family and the presents won't be overly expensive in your family budget I'd let it go. Simply don't remind him of the date/assist with the shopping or delivering. Let him do it and blissfully ignore it.

NatashaBee · 17/07/2013 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EBearhug · 17/07/2013 00:31

I'm all for doing as you would be done by (there was s lot of Victorian children's literature in my upbringing.) But I also see where you're coming from. I think I would give a present (or rather, let him give a present,) but just a token gift, rather than something expensive.

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2013 00:33

Is your husband the kind of man who regularly buys people presents? Do you have lovely, thoughtful gifts from him? Who buys his parents' presents at Christmas?

notanyanymore · 17/07/2013 00:34

I get why your miffed, but I think your DH is right. Don't go over board but be the bigger person. Don't let her make you act like a shit just because she is...

mynewpassion · 17/07/2013 00:58

Its fine to be miffed but do not stop him.

cronullansw · 17/07/2013 01:03

LTB - worthless piece of shit, how dare he not completely understand your feelings!

Err, no. This is a trivial bit of nothing, some people do things differently, SIL is one of them, ignore this, it has nothing to do with your life. Rise above it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2013 07:51

Sadly, OP, I think you are wrong. This 'equivalent gift' business can get really petty, really quickly and you have to approach it differently or it's a recipe for resentment & bitterness. Set your own standard for marking occasions, stick to your own budget and give gifts because you are thoughtful & you want to give them, not because you hope for something in return. Certainly don't judge others for not having your standards.

vinetime · 17/07/2013 08:21

My BIL and SIL have forgotten every single one of our 3 kids' birthdays - makes about 9 missed birthdays in total!

I thought this might change when they had children of their own...but no. Despite this, DH and I still send presents and cards to their child each year. It's annoying - they are extremely adolescent and self-involved characters- but ultimately we can feel like the better people here...

schobe · 17/07/2013 08:30

One of the things I have learned since being an adult is that people's present giving/buying rules vary hugely.

I know people who always arrive with gifts when we meet, but are rubbish at sending stuff on the right dates.

I initially thought they were just a bit rubbish but then had the light bulb moment that they actually don't think it is important. They would rather give gifts when they see people. I reckon they were brought up this way, so don't even question it.

Another family I know do what your BIL & SIL do in the OP. Crappy presents, late or totally forgotten, not wrapped. But I realise they are not thoughtless and they do care. It's just not their thing and, again, it's how they were brought up. These ones do feel bad about it and are constantly playing catch-up to these social norms that they just weren't taught.

I would send the card.

BerkshireMum · 17/07/2013 08:36

I have a similar situation with my SiL. After a huge blow up at the end of last year (with her) DH and I have reached an agreement. If he wants her to have birthday, Christmas pressies, cards etc, he sorts them out. I don't do any visits, calls etc. I am entirely willing to go to (and behave well at) wider family gatherings where she's present. Above all, I want to avoid putting my MiL in a position that's any more difficult.

Snorbs · 17/07/2013 09:01

It depends if you see gift-giving as a quid-pro-quo thing or as a nice thing to do in its own right.

On a more philosophical note it sounds like your DH is someone who has a high standard for his own personal behaviour and who maintains that regardless of what other people do. That is an admirable quality.

Whocansay · 17/07/2013 09:04

Tell him to buy her a book on good manners.

Floggingmolly · 17/07/2013 09:08

Oh fgs, you're all adults. Your dh sounds far less petty than you do.

It's me or her? I know what I'd tell you, Fingers Hmm

TalkativeJim · 17/07/2013 09:13

Your DH is right.

But - OP - make this about YOU. That's the secret. Fuck SIL - she's clearly an arse. Your DH thinks she's an arse too! There's no argument there, is there? It isnt about her and him 'dissing' you by sending her a card. 'She' could be anyone/any situation.

He's right because what should matter here is how you and he and your family want to set your internal standards of conduct. I can say from experience that ultimately, YES, you will actually feel better if you do the 'right thing' and acknowledge her birthday. You will look like the gracious, polite, well-brought-up ones. Not only that, but you will also look as if you just don't care that she ignored your birthday. Get into the tit for tat, and what will be MOST obvious is that it matters to you - and that will give SIL pleasure. Pleasure that you noticed that she didn't get you anything, and were hurt, and retaliated. Give her a present and a card, with the usual smiles and breezy chit-chat... and she will probably feel rather deflated.

There's nothing that wins more than looking as if you don't care, or that someone's attempts to hurt you haven't even been noticed.

So - get her something. Write a lovely card. You'l look back and be very pleased that you did. She meanwhile will be left feeling rather amiss, and not even quite sure why...

EroticTebbit · 17/07/2013 09:14

I'm sorry, but you sound a bit petty. I really wouldn't care about wooden toys vs. Tesco toys (and I bet the children didn't care either), I don't get why you need to use wrapping paper, and I think it's nice to have a few late gifts after birthdays- It's a nice surprise.
YABU and your DH sounds like a nice bloke.

Lazyjaney · 17/07/2013 09:24

Your dh is being the better person, you are being petty I'm afraid.

And in my experience most kids prefer bright cheap plastic toys to wooden ones, so buy those for their kids too, and wrap them in old bin bags too :)

Lancelottie · 17/07/2013 09:29

they got ours toys from tesco for a fiver with the labels still on

My reaction would have been, 'Great! Nice and easy to swap any duplicates!'

You mean other people have a budget of more than a fiver for nieces and nephew? Oops...

Original poster
Ferret123 · 17/07/2013 09:30

I think those of you who are calling me petty are rather missing the point, but thanks all the same.

Talkativejim, thanks! Your post has really helped put things into perspective :)

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 17/07/2013 09:35

Your DH is right.

Be the better people here, and be blame free of any awkwardness in the relationship between BIL and his wife, and yourselves.

I think i would just send a card, rather than a present as well.

Also Hmm at fingers, immature attitude.

Lazyjaney · 17/07/2013 09:49

I think those of you who are calling me petty are rather missing the point, but thanks all the same

I think you've just proved them right.....

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