Can any of you help my dd help her friend?

[InterferingOldBag]

Hi, I have namechanged for this, as I'm not talking about my own child here and don't want it linked to my "name".

dd has a friend who she is very concerned about. She has a boyfriend who seems to be getting more and more controlling - way beyond what might be considered normal for a teenage relationship. dd has tried direct talking, she has tried being supportive, but she is watching her friend gradually give up all her interests, give up on schoolwork, stop seeing her friends (because he doesn't allow her to see them ) and basically become more and more under his thumb, and more and more unhappy.

I was wondering whether anyone on here could give her some advice in how to approach this. Is there any website where she could show her friend what emotional abuse is. Sadly there seem to be a lot of people here who have survived this type of relationship - is there anything your friends could have said or done that would have made you realise what was happening?

They are both 16, btw. The boyfriend is 17 I think. I don't want to post this in teenagers as it isn't really a "teenage" problem - even though her parents are tearing their hair out and a worried sick about her.

Sorry, I've left out a lot, but this is long enough as it is.

A quick search brought up sites like this
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/women1839/Pages/Teenrelationshipabuse.aspx

I think questions like "how does that make you feel?" may be useful in getting the girl to think and talk about herself. She's probably usually thinking about her behaviour in respect to him.

Thanks, I'll have a read.

He tells her what to do. And if she doesn't do it, he gets "upset" which dd thinks is her word for angry.

He does cry though, when she goes home on time as she is abandoning him .

He won't talk to any of her friends - he pretends he doesn't recognise even dd, who he has met a dozen times (they will walk past dd in the street and not say hi, because he doesn't like her talking to dd).

It's really awful.

From that link:

gets extremely jealous,
monitors calls and emails, and gets angry if there isn?t an instant response,
has trouble controlling his or her emotions, particularly anger,
stops your child seeing or talking with friends and family as much as they?d like,
uses force during an argument,
blames others for his or her problems or feelings,
is verbally abusive, or
shows threatening behaviour towards others

He does all of those except the violence - yet

And again from the link:

no longer hanging out with their circle of friends,
not doing as well at school, or skipping school altogether,
constantly checking their phone,
being withdrawn and quieter than usual,
being angry, and becoming irritable when asked how they are doing,
making excuses for their boyfriend or girlfriend,
having unexplained scratches or bruises,
showing changes in mood or personality, or
using drugs or alcohol.

She does all that, except the bruises and the drugs - yet

But the problem is getting her to see it.

I really need a site like that, but aimed at the teenager, that maybe dd can convince her to read.

How about this one?

kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html

This stuff should be in the magazines that teenagers read.

If probably print it out and let her read it alone. She may be more likely to defend him to others, but take it in if alone ? Just guessing.

I'm on my phone, so it's difficult posting more than one link at a time.

www.womensaid.org.uk/core/core_picker/download.asp?id=3238‎

www.teenrelationships.org/abuse/‎

Not sure I can help, but my sister was in a very similar relationship when she was 16. He wouldn't let her see friends, took all the money from her Saturday job etc.

My parents basically went ballistic when they found out. Refused to let him in the house, picked her up from school each day. School were aware and supportive.

The relationship fizzled out (he was after an easy ride, with cash on the side), but I'm afraid she has swung from one dodgy relationship to another throughout her life.

It's a self esteem thing. I think the best thing your dd can do us to emphasise that her friend is too good for him, that she has a wonderful life ahead, read a bit of Caitlin Moran etc.

www.teensagainstabuse.org/index.php?q=assist

thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/ This is aimed at teenagers and is very, very good.

I'd suggest that, rather than try to deal with this herself, your DD should talk to the school. Schools have anti-bullying, anti-abuse policies and they're pretty clued up with things like counsellors etc. They probably won't persuade her to dump him but, like all cowards, the abusive boyfriend will be a lot less comfortable when he knows people have got their eye on him.

Oh, some of those are great. Thank you so much. I'll print off a few and have a chat to dd. I'm not sure her friend will listen though.

Like many of these things it started so slowly. He didn't go out with her friends because he was "shy". So they spend much of their time alone. Her mum is stuck between a rock and a hard place - her dd gets hysterical if she can't see him because he will be "so upset". Her mum is afraid to put her foot down, because at 16 you can't really ground them - it's holidays here now, so she can just go out.

He is slowly backing her into a corner. Most of her friends have given up, but dd (God love her) is still trying. It's so hard - dd had arranged to meet one day this week, but then he demanded she meet him, so she saw dd for about half an hour (during which she got about a dozen text messages and a phone call) and then left.

Unfortunately Cogito, they go to different schools. He goes to an all-boys school in the next town, and uses this as yet another excuse - he won't let her see her school friends because he has (it seems) no comprehension that they can hang around in a mixed group and just get on as friends. She isn't "allowed" to go to her friend's parties because there are boys he doesn't know there. And he won't go himself, even though dd has tried to persuade people to invite him (she thinks it would be good for her friend to see how awful he is in front of other people), but he won't go. Or if he does go, they leave after about 5 minutes and wander the streets . He refuses point blank to speak to any of her friends - he says it's because they don't like him, and she is sympathetic to this.

It has been going on for nearly a year, gradually getting worse. dd came to me recently because she is really worried . Her friend is a shadow of what she was - she used to be bright, sporty A-student. Now she is silent and withdrawn a lot of the time.

I can't talk to her because I'm friends with her mum. And if she thought dd was talking to me she would dry up completely - dd seems to be the only person she is still meeting regularly. And that's just because dd goes barging in and insists (he really doesn't like her now).

And I've just realised my hoverererer gives away who I am so I'm going to change back and come here later to see.

Has anyone been persuaded by a friend that a boyfriend is being abusive? And if so how? Or is it really a matter of being there and hoping she realises?

When my friend's DD was in a bad relationship at that age the boy in question was not just a nasty piece of work, he was also a petty criminal and got my friend's DD involved with the police. My friend opted to stand back and hope she realised in time. She did but it could have gone either way.

I think you have to take a risk here and talk to this girl. Don't mention the boyfriend specifically but say that she seems quiet and sad and you wonder what's changed to make her like that. She knows it's wrong or she wouldn't be talking to your DD but I expect she feels trapped. If you give her an opportunity to open up she might be grateful.

I would also have concerns about your own DD being anywhere near this guy. Sadly you can't force someone to give up an unhealthy relationship.

I would focus on trying to raise your DD's friend's self esteem, trying not to make her defensive so being very gentle with any suggestions/comments (if she feels crap about herself constantly being told she's picked a wrong 'un will just add to her lack of self worth).

What is she good at? Build her up as much as you can. Be a caring safe place for her to be. She has chinks in her armour and he has found them - what are they? Scared to be alone? Worried about the challenges of young adulthood/feeling unloved? Listen to her and help her think differently.

Remember if she leaves him it's one of the most dangerous times and get help from Women's Aid.

I commend the intentions of your DD but having been in her friend's shoes, it takes a LOT to make the break. I am most grateful to the friends who understood, who were there to talk but who did not abandon me when I consistently let them down. They were deeply worried but took a step back and years later, they are still my friends and are my best friends. I got out eventually. He literally didn't let me see them for 5 years or more, it was that bad, but they have always been there. Tell your DD not to give up on her friend and that she will come out of the other side - it might take some words from an unexpected source to snap her out of it, or an 'excuse' to leave. If she had an excuse to get away she could justify it to herself. It sounds mad yes. It is a very tough situation to be in when you can't shake sense into her.

It would be good to get her friend to open up to someone - and realise she is protected from this guy if she cuts all contact. It also may make it easier for her if she could pretend it is someone else's decision and she has no say, like her parents. Then she abdicates her own guilt about it iyswim.

Hope it goes okay but it may not be fast at all. Your DD sounds lovely.

It is really hard. The friend probably won't listen until she's ready to listen. Hopefully she realises and makes the break before she gets pregnant :(

The most helpful thing is for someone to just be there for you (the victim) without pushing you to do things you don't want to do, not demonising the abuser, but not condoning them either. But refusing to be pushed away when the abuser tries to sabotage the friendship.

Also your DD must not get more emotionally involved than she can spare. The point about crime is a good one too if it applies.