My DP has brothers and very close family relationships, his family and mine all got along and thus we just did most things as a large group. There were times when this drove me mental but in the main it was all good.
A few years ago my youngest son was acting up during a family thing (he was 4 at the time). When I went in to see what was going on, I found one of my BILs holding him by the arms, right in his face and refusing to let him walk past him until he addressed his behaviour. I do not allow people to manhandle my kids and at 4 this was not the right approach to take so I picked my DS up and said something like ?come on young man, its dinner time and I want a talk with you about being naughty?. My BIL follows me out shouting about how I should piss off, I was a nightmare etc etc. My DP told his brother where to get off, was told basically that we were crap parents with no control blah blah blah.
My DPs whole family then ignored me for 3 days (we were away at a family event and this was the amount of time left til we went home)
I was very upset as I always really thought of myself as a part of the family and I was suddenly aware that I was tolerated, not loved. My MIL (a wonderful person most of the time) gave me a lecture on supporting my BIL in managing his temper & not putting him down, it was all quite horrible.
Since then things have been hard ? my DP who is a very chilled out bloke most of the time blames me very much for this and thinks I have ruined our lovely family dynamic. You see, BIL has never apologized or tried to make amends or even spoken to me really since then. We pass the time of day but we are not friends anymore and that is very hard for my P to accept. Because I feel strongly that BIL really wronged me and my kids, I feel that to just pretend its forgotten means I am OK to be treated like a mug. DP thinks that I should ?let it go? as it has been 2 years and we are family and so on. BIL will come to my home and ignore me, DP says this is because I am not welcoming and after all this time, I am very unreasonable to still be angry and hurt.
I have tried a few times to let it go and be nice and ?myself ?but end up being painfully polite once rebuffed (he is very dismissive). I am told that as I am generally such a large character that this is very very noticeable and is construed as my being passive aggressive and deliberately trying to make a point. I wonder if perhaps I am being and don?t realize it. My DP now is saying that he doesn?t even want to suggest spending time with his family as I make it too hard and he worries about even talking about them never mind inviting them over. I said that I can make myself scarce after being polite but again, this is so not how I normally am it is the same as me being a rude cow. This has spilled into BILs fiancée as well ? we never had much in common but I tried to cultivate her as a friend for my BIL and DP sake . I can?t seem to make myself be my usual self with her either now..i am up and down like a yoyo
Now BIL & fiancée are getting married and they would like my daughter as bridesmaid (my daughter, not DPs daughter i.e. their step niece) ? DP sees this as a nice thing, I am suspicious of it. I would dearly like to not go to the wedding and am seriously considering ways of avoiding it.
How can I be a more forgiving tolerant person? the family are not generally people who 'talk' and the one time i said 'lets fix it for DPs sake' BIL came back telling me why it was all my fault.
It is spoiling my relationship and poisoning things that should be wonderful and it seems so silly but I can?t seem to fix it. Thanks for sticking with me!