Ex finally moving out, relieved but scared

[junipergin]

I have posted here about my ex, i finished it with him 9 mths ago, due to him being EA, accusing me of not being supportive enough when he had difficulties and generally as i was miserable and our sex life was non-existent. Many of you said i had to kick him out immediately but i couldn't do that to him when he had nowhere to go and no family to stay with and didnt want an angry scene in front of the dc. Anyway, he has finally found a house and put the deposit down this morning. I suppose i should be happy but it doesnt make it any easier when he will accept no responsibility for the breakdown of our relationship, thinks i have made no effort to work at it and keeps saying it is what i want. Yes, it is unfortunately as i could see no other way out. I was becoming ill and self-harming and drinking too much. I am sad that it has come to this after 14 years but i just don't have those feelings for him anymore and he thinks this is something i have just 'decided'. He says i have ruined his life and am responsible for breaking up the family. I suppose this is normal when people split up.

I am worried that he won't be able to afford the house and if he can't he says he will live in a bedsit and not be able to have the dc's, i didnt want that for them, despite the way i feel about him. Reassure me i am doing the right thing and not being selfish because at the moment i feel guilty for hurting him and for the dc's for sending their dad away :(.

Get him out of your house. You're only upset because he's there, in your face, day in day out, spouting all this guilt-tripping, emotional rubbish and trying (and succeeding) to make you feel bad about yourself. It's more of the self same emotionally abusive behaviour that caused the split in the first place. By being worried about what he can afford or where he's going to stay or how the children will react, you're just saying 'stay here and abuse me some more...'

So you're doing the right thing but it would be even more right if you dumped his stuff outside the front door and changed the locks. Time to take out the trash....

Thank you Cogito. In my heart of hearts i know this is true. He is moving out at the end of the month and tbf the house he has found is a good deal for the money and not far away which is good for the dc. I was having a wobbly moment now it is all becoming final. when he is around friends he is nice and i wish he could always be like that but i know as soon as something goes wrong again he will become abusive towards me. He says i have smashed his confidence and when he is confident around others it is just a front! He is moaning about having to move after everything else he has been through but surely he cant be happy in this relationship either.

You will be ok.

He will be ok if he makes it so...no-one has to be a victim and in this society whilst we can't necessarily be rich we can survive OK.

Your children will thrive...they will gain a happy, relaxed, emotionally available mummy...they may act out, blame you do all sorts but in the end this will be better for them..

And HE is responsible for his relationship with them...not you...he can build it or he can destroy it. It won't be your fault, any more than he is responsible for your relationship with them.

leave the guilt where it belongs (out with the trash) and look at ways to support and enjoy and embrace your new life...seek real life help as and when you need.

it will be better

"He says i have smashed his confidence"

It's a load of rubbish. He had a crack at smashing your confidence & ruining your life with his behaviour and, if anyone has broken up the family, it's him. Very common for bullies to blame everyone else but themselves.

I had all that shite from XH as well. It's like a script they read. He's pressing all your buttons at once, trying to find out which ones still work. XH tried the "but where shall I live", to which I brutally replied "in a cardboard box under Charing Cross Bridge for all I care". Because he was a grown man and is perfectly capable of arranging accommodation for himself.

When he behaves nicely, you realise he could have been nice - but all too often he chose not to be. And if you relented and let him stay, he'd relapse quicker than you can say "emotional abuse".

You are doing the right thing.