Desperately need some advice please

[Choccy84]

I really need some advice please. I'm 29, been with my boyfriend for a year now. We met online and were besotted from the moment we met. I felt so lucky and have been really happy. Everything was going fine but then after about 7 months I started to have a few doubts. These cleared up and all was fine. He lives in London but I live about an hours drive away so we decided to move in.

The day after we found a flat and signed a lease for it, I suddenly started getting doubts that he's not the right one for me. The doubts are slowly getting worse and I don't know what to do. We move in this weekend but I'm dreading it. Suddenly it all feels wrong. I don't understand how things can turn around so quickly. Everything was fine before. I do love him and he's perfect for me. But I don't think I actually fancy him physically. I know its not all about looks but surely I need to be attracted to him? I've spoken to my parents for advice and they've said that I'm lucky to have found someone who is my best friend and who I love and it doesn't matter if I don't fancy him. But something just doesn't feel right.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be too picky otherwise I might never find anybody. I've told him how I feel but he doesn't seem to understand. He thinks its just a blip because I'm nervous about moving in. He's the nicest, sweetest guy in the world and I love him. But it just doesn't feel right. If I do end things with him I'll break his heart. Plus, we have the new flat to consider. We've signed a 6 month rental agreement and can't get out of it. Neither of us can afford the flat on our own. I feel like I've made such a mess of everything and I don't know what to do. Please help.

Doubts usually have some basis in reality. To me this line... But I don't think I actually fancy him physically. I know its not all about looks but surely I need to be attracted to him?... is glaringly obvious why you're having second thoughts. We've all dated lovely, lovely men who are extremely nice to us but don't get the juices flowing. Many of us have dated utter bastards that are so sexually alluring they can have us ovulating from fifty paces. Neither of those set-ups is a recipe for a happy life. It's a shame but what can you do except move on?

Your parents advice to settle because he's a 75% fit is rubbish, I'm sorry. It's not them having to live with him, it's you. If you can't face it, regardless of heart-breaks and rental agreements, then don't feel you are obliged to go ahead.

"I don't want to be too picky otherwise I might never find anybody"

That's insecurity talking rather than intelligence or common-sense.

From your parents' viewpoint this is a big commitment and it's perfectly normal to have cold feet about moving in together. But it's you not them and you can't focus on pleasing everyone but yourself! I can't advise on the flat rental agreement - yes to pull out now will probably cost money and hassle but there is a bigger issue here.

Everything was fine until that blip at 7 months. I wonder what those doubts were and if your mind was genuinely set at ease. If it comes down to chemistry and you can't fancy the man, I suspect you're not likely to change your mind when sharing living space, doing mundane chores and feeling increasingly claustrophobic.

If you don't fancy him then what's the point, how do you have sex with someone you don't find attractive???

I'm sure you can get out of the lease, it may mean paying a month's rent but you can't be forced to move in and pay 6 months rent.

Don't go ahead with it, your feelings are your instincts telling you this is not right.

I also think you have rushed into this.

You've only known him a year and the sexual attraction has gone. You will soon reach a point where you find the thought of him touching you physically repulsive. He deserves better than that and you deserve better than the horrible guilt you'll feel at doing that to a nice person.

Don't worry about the flat. You'll probably only be liable up to the point someone else takes on the lease. If it's a good deal, someone else will snap it up quickly.

Listen to your instincts. They are often a few miles ahead of rational thought. The first person you have to listen to in all this is yourself, not your P or your parents.

What happened 7 months in? Was that when the sexual attraction diminished? If you were besotted with each other, what happened? Answering those questions may help to clarify your feelings on the matter and articulate why you don't want to do this.