Should I challenge my FIL?

[dogsagoodun]

My FIL is not a very nice man, to put it mildly. He is a racist, a mysogynist and perhaps the most selfish person I have ever met. His wife, my DH's mum is lovely. She dotes on the children and would do anything to help. She is retired and has been a god send through a recent difficult pregnancy. FIL is DH's.step dad. They are not close.

For the past four months FIL has been signed off work with a heart condition. I have seen much, much less if MIL during this time. That's fine, he needs her. I get that. Except, they have two other grand children from his first wife. So, his real grand children. He seeds them loads. They look after them for whole weekends; they are having them for the whole summer. He has been here twice since he was signed off with. Also, whenever MIL is here he rings constantly to find out when.she's home. He is extremely controlling.

I am home alone this week and my youngest two have chicken pox. She said would help with tea, bath and bed tonight but has just cancelled because he needs her to take him to a foot app. An appointment that wasn't made when we made these plans yesterday. I can't prove it but I am sure he's doing it on purpose; making it difficult for her to come. It's not the first time it has happened. He is however perfectly capable of taking himself to his own hobbies etc.

So, do I just suck it up? I don't want confrontation but I feel like it's so unfair.

Some advice please.

xxx

Eeek. Sorry about kisses. It's a texting reflex!

It certainly sounds like he's deliberately trying to reduce the contact between MIL and your branch of the family. If he's a bully or controlling sort that's the type of thing they do... monopolise time, restrict movement, alienate friends etc.

Wouldn't take either of them to task over the chickenpox incident because older people with reduced immune systems do have a legitimate fear of contracting shingles . However, you could have a quiet word with your MIl, say you don't see so much of her and that you miss her... and 'is everything all right at home?'. She seems to be the vulnerable one in the story.

He sounds just like my dad. He's so demanding of my mum she has no relationship with me or her grandchildren. It's v v sad and nothing I can do about it , she's so controlled x

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I agree, she is vulnerable, although I imagine she would defend him if I questioned her. Fair point about the chicken pox too.

Still mulling it over.

Your MIL is also her H's enabler and she stays within this for her own reasons. She has become conditioned to being controlled and will perhaps even defend her H's behaviour if you were to challenge it at all.

I would not have any contact at all with such people tbh.

This man is deliberately sabotaging his wife's plans to visit and she likely will not end up visiting the OP.

Confronting these people will not do the OP any favours. Controlling people are angry people as well.

What OP would like re contact and what she may well end up receiving are two very separate things. Her MIL is likely to be so conditioned by her abusive H that she could well end up defending him or at the very least make excuses to the OP for his unreasonable behaviour. You also cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

Basically, yes to just suck it up, sorry. Don't count on mil's help for anything important to you.

No don't challenge fil, waste of time.
In fact ignore him...complete emotional indifference. Be civil to his face, if you have to be in his presence.

You can continue to make plans with your mil if you wish, but just be ready for the cancellations by having a plan B you can jump to without batting an eye. Does she ever make plans with you, or are you the one to always instigate an activity/contact/being together? Are you always asking for help, or do you plan fun stuff with her, too?

Continuing on that track of "will she show up this time?" will get old I would expect. That the man is home now, and you are thus sumarrily bumped off the list of consideration, is the reality of the circumstances,imho. You mil is going along with this dynamic, her choice.

Imho, contact is fading away from their side of the equation. He/They are effectively cutting you out, unless or until he ever returns to work.
Attila: I would not have any contact at all with such people tbh.
Imho, is right and the ultimate outcome you might consider to preserve your own sainity and self-esteem.

I know this hurts, dogsagoodun, sorry you are going through it.

You can't get shingles from chickenpox, only chickenpox from shingles.

Yeah you do, she's a grown woman and has allowed him to control her all their life's together so you won't change that so no point, until she realises what he's doing there's nothing you can do.

As has been said, have a back up plan for when she cancels and be civil to him but nothing else.

Thank you for the replies. I will try to answer some questions.

To the poster who asks if I always ask for help. I ask for help rarely. It is she that offers and then frequently retracts or cancels. I do invite her to fun stuff but I could definitely do more of this.

To the poster who suggested breaking contact. I would happily do this with FIL .He is not the kind of man we need in our lives but the children love their grandmother and it would be unfair to break contact with her.

Today was interesting. Despite cancelling on me, she turned up unannounced in the middle of the day. We were out. She text to say she had left a gift for ds on the outside table. I replied to say if she had said she was coming we would have been home. She said she just needed to get out of the house. She lives 40 miles away. I'm not sure what to make of that. Seemed a bit odd.

Whilst non confrontational I do find it difficult to just put up with stuff. I like a resolution! Not sure I'll get one here though.

Thanks again for your replies.

I think you need to be there (whenever possible) for your MIL when she needs you - especially after reading the last post. Both you and she sound very kind people and I do hope that you can continue your relationship in whatever way you can. Your DH could also be seen to encourage MIL to visit, and you to visit them.
Regarding FIL - just keep the peace for the sake of your MIL

Control the controlling. If your fil is close to his "own" grand kids, if possible get more friendly with them, enjoy their company get the kids close and get the expectation of all the grand kids spending time together. That'll learn him.

Learn him?!

From your last post it sounds like your mil recognizes that she needs some space from her husband at least every once in a while. So she has some awareness of the oppressive dynamic with his behavior. Imho, it may be that you will still be able to have a connection with her however the availability is altered because of your fil. Not as nice as before, but it is nice she still recognizes that you still exist.