Do I need a chill pill?

[Browbeaten]

Dh has been saying to me for a while that we have to watch our spending. We have alot and I mean alot to do to the house and the other day Tesco's refused my switch card due to lack of funds in the bank. I was so upset at the thought of no food when dd came home from nursery and sobbed down the phone to him. The boiler is also broken and we had no heating or hot water for a week. He says he can fix it and no way is he paying a plumber. Anyhow, here's the cherry - his neice (nearly 18) called from Glasgow to ask if she and a mate can come down to London to see a band and stay with us. No problem, except dh has bought a ticket at £50.00 to accompany them and paid for their flights (says they will reimburse the flights). I think this is a waste of money as he could simply drop them off and pick them up. Also if we have this money I wouldn't have minded being invited. He now thinks I just hate his family and can't see my point that it is unnecessary to accompany them. Is 17 too young to go to a concert?

No, 17 isn't too young to go to a concert - the neice doesn't need a chaperone at that age. And I think your dh has been totally unreasonable! Fair enough if they will reimburse him for the flights, but £50 on a concert ticket is out of order when you're struggling to buy food/sort out the boiler. I would go completely ballistic if I was in your shoes. Surely he can see that there are more urgent things to spend the £50 on than going out? What does he say?

Spacemonkey, the discussion deteriorated into a row about everything and anything regretfully. He said it was not my business what he spent on this relatives - he is still alive surprisingly. He does tend to bend over backwards for his family and we have rowed about this before but this time it's the money aspect that has really upset me - I mean to the extent I am questioning our future if we can't agree that this money has been wasted. I keep telling myself not to over-react but I'm still fuming about it.

browbeaten, i really don't blame you! Am trying to think of something helpful to say though I know from my own experience how financial problems can put incredible strain on a relationship. I guess my only suggestion would be to wait until the dust settles and calmly suggest that you and dh sit down to go over your finances together and work out a budget. Sorry, I'm sure that's insultingly obvious and perhaps you've already done that. Financial issues can be really difficult to talk about without dragging up loads of other stuff IME. Are there other problems in your relationship, or do you think the financial thing is the main issue here?

Sorry to ramble! You don't need a chill pill though - he needs a blimmin reasonableness pill!

Is he unwillin g to let his family see thta he cant afford things?

alot of men are very proud about money and want to ne the great "I am" about things...

The point is brow beaten, even if his neice was too young to go to the concert alone, that isnt your problem (you have enough on your plate) Her parents should be the ones spending out if need be and worrying.
If you havent got the money and even had your card refused buying food then there is no way he should be spending out like this.
It is all very well him playing the wonerful uncle - but his priorities should be with you and your dd. I bet if you said you were going out and would be spending £50 + he would have something to say about it.

I would wait until after the band thing (too late to worry about that now if he has booked it). Then have a word and tell him that you agree with HIS suggestion about cutting back on spending and perhaps going to see the band was one last treat before you tighten your belts.
I think from what you have said you have the patience of a saint! good luck x

Thanks guys, you're right, we do need to sit down and discuss this. It is only the money that's an issue as we are happy otherwise (usually). Coddy, you are right when you say he wants to be seen as the great unc type. He has his own business and we are in a "lull" - things will get better in a month or two but we need food now :0 He has asked for us to sit down when dd and ds are in bed tonight and go through it calmly - hasn't admitted he is wrong yet and of course the money is gone, spent, so perhaps we need to make ground rules for the future. I just want him to understand that so long as his immediate family are provided for I am happy but he likes to excuse this with saying I hate his family, which is another issue all together. Thanks for listening

I don't know anything about how you organise your finances, but assume you have a general "pool" for household expenses. Do you each have any of your own money, like pocket money? It doesn't seem to be an issue in our house but it was seriously getting out of hand for my sister. She really resented the money her dh spent on golf when there was so much to do in the house. So now they allocate a certain amount of money each to themselves to do with exactly how they please without having to justify to the other. So if sis fancies an expensive haircut or he wants a new golf club, then it comes out of their pocket money. So in your situation, the £50 for concert tickets would have come out of his money.
Not sure if that helps at all.

Well i wouldn't of been happy about it thats for sure. I went to my first concert when i was 11. Admittedly i didn't have to travel a long way too but even so 17 is old enough i think.

You are justifiable upset - defo, but IMO he lashed out and bought the ticket in a fit of 'I can if I want to, have a bit of fun' and now he has been caught out. He is backed into a corner with nowhere to go except to admit he was 'wr..., wr...., wro.., wron..., wrong. And you know how hard that is for him. When you sit down to talk about it later give him plenty of opportunity to admit his error - i.e., listen, listen, listen - instead of being so verbal - which lets face it is our strong suit not their's. There is nothing to do about it now except to have a broader discussion about money management, so no point in getting too excited about it and expending too much of your own emotional energy on it - so long as he agrees if he had his time over he wouldn't do it again. Best of Luck.