Mother Aunt & DH WIBU?

[Gangie]

Bit OF A LONG One so apologies in advance

Dh and family, well one Aunt in particular ? My Mum is supposed to be coming to mind our 2 kids while we go to a wedding. They are 6mths & 2.5yrs and generally very easy to mind. My Aunt in particular loves the 2.5

We get on fine generally with my Aunt although she is very opinionated, she never says anything to your face, but would be well know to be the type that generally bitches about everyone and then is lovely to their face. My dh cant stand this fact. He is very much the type to tell you if he had an issue / will openly discuss a problem, while my Aunt (and mother & family in general) would rather stick their head in the sand and avoid confrontation. Basically even debating is seen as arguing in my family and is seen as disruptive/looking for a fight/being overly sensitive.

So we are not religious and did not christen either of your children ? we had a naming ceremony which was wonderful and we really enjoyed the day. My family do not agree with not christening the children ? they are religious and my mum in particular has struggled with it, although as she hates confrontation she goes along with it quietly enough, although we are aware of her opinion.

So Aunt is very religious also ? and although nothing was said to us, we heard indirectly (from sister & bil) that there was a lot of bitchy comments about ?naming days? ie. my mum was talking about what she would wear and Aunt said ?why are you bothered sure its nothing, no big deal not a christening? or along those lines. Also she did not send a card ? but would generally always send a card for kids bdays/xmas/mew baby ect and is generous with gifts ect.

After the Naming Day I asked Mum why Aunt didn?t send a card ? and she said ?oh well she might not approve? but then when I asked her about that comment at a later date said she was only joking and that Aunt didn?t send card as there has been a lot of bdays/new babies lately and she didn?t want to send more money/present and would not send card without putting something in it. We are not the type to expect anything in a card ? and in fact I told lots of people coming not to bring anything presence was present enough. Also she had been down to visit a few weeks previously and had given me money to buy the kids something nice, so she is not tight or anything. There was other comments made about bringing our children up to worship only materialistic things, which is just not true!

So, Mum wants to bring Aunt to help her mind the kids for the night we are at the wedding. We are taking kids to the wedding so it will only be from 7pm. My dh will no longer accept Aunt coming to our house. He says he will be civil with her when we are visiting my mothers house but that he will not invite someone into his home that basically ridicules our choices, albeit not to our face. If she said something to us we would have a debate, we are well able to discuss our beliefs (not that we need to justify ourselves) but that is not an option as nothing is openly said.

My Mum & family will think my DH totally over the top about this. I agree with him to a point but I can see how it will look and the only one that will be thought badly about will be my dh and myself for not ?putting my foot down?.

I am confused now as to who is being unreasonable ? on one hand I want to brush it under the carpet and get on with everyone and on the other hand I think my dh has a very valid point and maybe if people like that were pulled up more often they might behave differently.

My family will just think that we are making a mountain out of a molehill.

I hope that saga is not as clear as mud.

Help!

I dont think your DH has much of a leg to stand on as he is working on hearsay. If he is going to start banning Aunt from your house he needs to initiate conversation with her and sort it out face to face.
Obviously though he wont do this as it's easier to start laying down bans and expecting people to put up with it while doing nothing to resolve it.
So actually that's as bad as her really. She talks about you, and you seem to want to know what she's been saying (asking about cards, listening to gossip from family memebrs) and he just deides on that basis she's barred.
Someone has got to actually initiate a conversation otherwise this will turn into a hurtful and ridiculous feud.

I can see your DHs point. But, if he puts his foot down, he must provide the alternative care. AND when your DM and 'D'A ask why, he must hold himself to his own high standards and explain, calmly and plainly to their faces, himself, the reason for him putting HIS FOOT DOWN. His foot, his responsibility.

I think your dh is being precious.

So your auntie doesn't approve of your naming day and would hve preferred a christening...well so what? She can think it (and say it) all she likes...it doesn't matter. she doesn't get a say, so her opinion is of no importance. This sort of thing is easy to rise above and ignore.
If your dh refuses to do so, then I'd have to say that HE is the one creating waves. Does he actually imagine that everyone has to approve of and agree with everything he does?

Your aunt feels strongly about the value of a christening. As an atheist, I don't agree with her, but I don't think it's a problem.

Dh's granny was astounded that we did not baptise the children, and had plenty to say about it.
We paid no heed, and carried on as normal.

I certainly would not have taken a stand as your dh is doing. He's being petty and overbearing...sorry.

Thanks to all for responding. I spoke to dh and he agrees that he somewhat overreacted so has backed down he will prob say something to her (nicely) when she is here which Is ok by me. Great to get some outside perspective!!

There is nothing wrong in him wishing confront your aunt, but there are ways of going about it that don't make him just as bad or worse even, than she is.

Good on him. x