Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flag or sensitive

25 replies

Imnotagilmoregirl · 15/07/2013 20:31

Hi All,

I have been chatting to a chap for a couple of weeks now, having not long come out of a messy marriage. All very casual, see how it goes vide. Went for a few drinks this weekend, got on well, and he's respectful of the whole "take it slow, defo no shagging yet" thing. However... His best friend was arrested the next night for beating up several people including his wife. Whilst blind drunk apparently. Now my date has let the violent best friend move in with him temporarily. I get that he's being a good friend, but the bloke battered people, and was charged with multiple counts of assault. He says he doesn't condone it, but his friend has admitted everything and has never done it before. Thoughts?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/07/2013 20:50

I wouldn't go near him again, sorry.

Even if he is nothing like his friend, I wouldn't want to not be able to mix with his friends. Personally, though, I think people mix with others who are similar and I don't believe someone goes from never hitting anyone to beating up several people.

Bant · 15/07/2013 20:50

I'd be horrified if my best friend got drunk and beat people up. But he's my best friend, I love him, and I'd let him stay at mine while he sorted things out, no matter how disgusted I was with his behaviour.

nickymanchester · 15/07/2013 20:50

Just suppose that a really good friend of yours had done something really stupid and needed somewhere to stay for a while.

What would you say to them?

What was the story behind this attack?

Now, if your new chap had been there and had also been involved in any way then I would certainly been having second thoughts. But you have not said that that is the case.

However, I might have some concerns about spending any time with a new bloke when this other guy was around and there was alcohol involved. But there again, you're dating him - not his friend.

Lweji · 15/07/2013 21:03

Hard to say, really.

For all we know, he could be lecturing his friend about it.

I'd keep my wits about to see if he excuses it in any way, as well as any red flags.

Original poster
Imnotagilmoregirl · 15/07/2013 21:05

What's bothered me is I've now remembered a conversation where date bloke said previously he lost his temper with a gf after being provoked and restrained her, but left without striking her. Am I just being mental?

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 15/07/2013 21:08

Hmm, for the above alone I would steer clear, why is he telling you he restrained a girlfriend after he was 'provoked' so early on?

ageofgrandillusion · 15/07/2013 21:09

Id run a mile OP. It's not so much a question of whether or not he shows loyalty to his best friend - most of us would - but more a question of why he would be best friends with such a dickhead in the first place.

theorchardkeeper · 15/07/2013 21:19

Restrained her? Hmm

Red flag.

Sorry but that just rings of sugar-coating.

Maybe not but at this point, you've got nothing to lose by walking away.

It all sounds a bit messy for something in the early stages, don't you think?

theorchardkeeper · 15/07/2013 21:19

(I'd bet that he was telling you because it may come up in the future so he was covering his arse in case. Why else would he tell you that ! )

bestsonever · 15/07/2013 21:26

So 2 weeks in and he's already told that he got angry and restrained a GF.
If he had any remorse or embarrassment about his behaviour, it would be the last thing he'd mention. However, he's the type that thinks that is alright as his GF provoked him so it's her fault really - HUGE red flag there!! That is your main reason to avoid, the rest is irrelevant in itself but perhaps adds to the picture - and it's a bleak one. Def avoid.

sarahseashell · 15/07/2013 22:01

yes I'd let him go now on the gf comment alone but would also be wary about having a best friend like that tbh

Lweji · 15/07/2013 22:03

Unless she had a knife of was trying to punch him, dump him now.

AKissIsNotAContract · 15/07/2013 22:06

Are you dating Charles Saatchi? Get rid

MissStrawberry · 15/07/2013 22:07

What are you going to do, OP?

wordyBird · 16/07/2013 00:10

OP, a likely translation:
restrained = assault,
provoked = she deserved it in his eyes,
didn't hit her = only hitting is DV in his mind
Told his new date within 2 weeks = no remorse, and he's actually quite proud of how he behaved.

Also testing the ground to see how you respond.

As to the friend, there is no way he has never been violent before.

There are much better men in the world than your date: and he will be a major problem in your life if you stick with him. Keep looking..

suburbophobe · 16/07/2013 02:18

Yea, walk and don't look back.

He has told you all you need to know.

suburbophobe · 16/07/2013 02:21

Actually, your title is rather worrying. You feel you may be too sensitive? (in relation to this).

You have to hone those instincts much better! They are your "protector".

Original poster
Imnotagilmoregirl · 16/07/2013 05:27

The more I think about this, the more I'm inclined to bin him while its early, it's just not worth the hassle at this stage! Thanks guys x

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 16/07/2013 05:28

Run

Morgause · 16/07/2013 06:21

Run fast

TheFallenNinja · 16/07/2013 06:23

Excellent call.

Restraining is a huge red flag and is just another word for exerting physical power onto another.

GoodMorningMoon · 16/07/2013 06:28

Yeah, I'd be gone. Esp at this point. Friend situation alone was dramatic enough, and his past relationship sounds like a pretty good indicator. And don't worry about letting him down gently. Frankly, it can and should be done over phone/text.

MissStrawberry · 16/07/2013 08:43

Inclined to or will/have?

FridaKarlov · 16/07/2013 11:21

Run a mile.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/07/2013 14:20

I'm inclined to bin him while its early

Yes, do. You can do better.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page