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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you were to pass on just one piece of relationship advice to your DC....

131 replies

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 15:58

... distilled from your own experience, observation, or what you've read on MN and elsewhere, What would it be?

On balance, I think mine would be 'be yourself' in the sense of ... be very wary of getting together with anyone for whom you feel you have to change personality or who openly wants you to behave differently in order for them to love you. If they don't love you for yourself, move swiftly along.

OP posts:
MaryBateman · 19/07/2013 21:42

Yeah actually what bumble says. If you are the only one who can see any good in someone when everyone else is telling you that you are blind and are being treated appallingly then chances are that you are the one who is missing or denying the obvious.

Took my friend ten years and too many bruises to realise that he really was an abusive shit and that they didn't actually have a special relationship.

Lazyjaney · 19/07/2013 21:48
  • Does he treat animals kindly and service people with consideration.
  • Always have a Fuck You fund
  • 2 strikes, then out - if it's not working out, exit early rather than late
Lurleene · 20/07/2013 00:09

Base your feelings on their actions / behaviour NOT on the words that come out of their mouth.

I've wasted too much time on twats who knew the right things to say however I've been married for 13 years to a man who is not verbally demonstrative at all, but proves himself by being kind.

calmingtea · 20/07/2013 07:35

Sooo many things:

Fairy tales are just stories

Always stay financially independent

You need to feel lovable, loving and loved

Trust those who are trustworthy

Don't rely on others for your own sense of worth

Learn to communicate with others clearly

Value your own thoughts and feelings as highly as those of others

Love is not falling in love before you have any real information about who that person is and what they can contribute to your life

Relationships are made of two equal, distinctly separate beings that enjoy each other

If it barks like dog and looks like a dog....

The most important relationship you can have is with yourself first and foremost

Extreme loyalty is not a virtue

Learn what your boundaries are and that it is ok to enforce them

Learn to listen and believe yourself

Believe someone for the actions they take not the words they utter

Don't be afraid of change or being on your own

TheFallenNinja · 20/07/2013 07:40

He/she is your partner, not your possession.

If they don't laugh much brace yourself for a boring life.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Do your share of the chores.

However old you get you can always pack up and come home.

Don't value possessions over your happiness.

Original poster
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2013 07:45

Appreciating the lists and all the great ideas but can we do a Desert Island Discs style .. 'if your tips were threatened by a freak wave and you had to save just one, what would it be?'. :)

OP posts:
Lazyjaney · 20/07/2013 12:03

Treat others as you want them to treat you, but if it is not reciprocated get the hell out.

bumblebeaver · 20/07/2013 18:30

It's ok to be single. I had more single years than relationshipped ones - and I think that drove me to make mistakes, because I was so keen to meet someone. Sit back, sift through the men you meet, chuck away the duff ones and wait for a good one. No rush.

cheerfulweather · 20/07/2013 18:31

Don't rush into anything. Don't even think about marriage or children until at least 30!

Smile
cheerfulweather · 20/07/2013 18:32

Oh yes, how could I forget. And never, never become completely and utterly financially dependent on somebody else. Very important.

KingscoteStaff · 20/07/2013 19:59

Look at how he behaves towards people who are lower status than him.

fishybits · 20/07/2013 20:05

I'd pass on the only piece of relationship advice my mother gave me.

"Make sure he or she is kind"

nooka · 20/07/2013 20:11

Mine assumes that the relationships that my children have are generally good ones so:

Talk about stuff!. Don't assume he/she is a mind reader

BlackeyedSusan · 20/07/2013 22:49

if he hurts, frightens or threatens you, leave IMMEDIATELY.

BlackeyedSusan · 20/07/2013 22:51

poledra, yep that too. things have never been quite right since the 91st percentile heads and one set of forceps...

steppemum · 20/07/2013 23:07

I second the kindness ones

Be kind to each other.

AllEyeEatIsCake · 20/07/2013 23:32

Men are only after one thing....

Januarymadness · 20/07/2013 23:34

No... really no...not all of them are...

BOF · 20/07/2013 23:45

Only marry the best person you have ever met. They need to be great company, make you laugh, be kind, share your values, and be a generous lover. Basically, the person you'd most like to be stuck in a lift with.

Kaluki · 20/07/2013 23:49

If you he to fight for someone they aren't worth fighting for.
And
Never settle for second best!

Kaluki · 21/07/2013 00:11

I wish I'd had mumsnet in my 20s
It took me till I was 40 to figure these out!

AllEyeEatIsCake · 21/07/2013 17:24

Januarymadness - I know! Not all men are after your money.

CailinDana · 21/07/2013 17:52

Respect is the cornerstone of a relationship. Once respect is gone, the relationship is over.

Twinklestein · 21/07/2013 19:35

Do not do in the first year of marriage/relationship anything you would not want to be doing for the rest of your life. So don't go OTT on cordon bleu & S&M. And get a cleaner.

calmingtea · 21/07/2013 19:38

Desert island discs style - my absolute favourite is: Love is not falling in love before you have any real information about who that person is and what they can contribute to your life. (The reason is that by definition is includes all the others, self-esteem, boundaries, knowing who you are and having a good relationship with yourself, and wanting a healthy non enmeshed relationship).