It's a losing battle trying to keep DP happy (housework, kids, work etc)

[SlugBotherer]

God I don't even know where to start but I feel like it's a constant uphill struggle trying to keep my dp happy.
One issue is the house. I've never been houseproud (probably because I've never had a house to be proud of) but we've just bought a beautiful house and I love it so much - I am very proud of it and I constantly clean and tidy it yet DP will always find something I've not done. Like the time I spent all day cleaning the bathrooms, bedrooms, living room, sorting everyone's clothes wash and iron, rearranging the dining room - dp complains that I'd left a medical card on the living room floor. Yesterday it came to a head when dp went in ds's bedroom and found chocolate mashed into the carpet. He had a go at me about it saying I should be monitoring the kids bedrooms and then made some joke about how it was "team slug and ds" going out of our way to wreck HIS house. This upset me because I've always worried that this house is more HIS and we're just living here and he's always maintained its OUR house despite the fact that it's his income that allows us to pay the mortgage so when he said that it kind of confirmed that he does see it as HIS house more than OURS. So he said I should be keeping on top of things and not letting the house become a pigsty - forgetting of course that I'd been out in the garden all day in the scorching heat painting woodwork to make our beloved house look nice - yet he says I don't care about it.

Then he gets on about DS's behaviour saying I have to keep on trying to nurture him and not let him get out of control (he has behavioural issues). I argued that I DO keep a close eye on him and do everything I can with him so he said "yeah well don't just take a back seat and relax now thinking everything is an easy ride now because I'm here, you need to do it too" so hurtful he's basically accusing me of living off him.

I'm a full time nursing student so work 13 hour shifts as well as study for exams and assignments PLUS I've just landed myself flexible hours on the nursing bank to get us some extra money. He's not happy about that either - he says he is but I can tell he isn't.

See in one breathe he's saying we need me to work so that we can afford luxuries, holidays, savings etc - I agree. Yet when I go to work (either placement or paid work) he has a face on saying the housework doesn't get done, we never see each other and the kids are being left to run riot because I'm not around.

I just can't win. I feel like it's a constant struggle to make him happy and nothing I do is ever good enough. His mum seems to appreciate my existence more than he does.

What smarts is that HE leaves his clothes on the bedroom floor, HE leaves his facial hair in the sink, HE leaves mugs lying around - the dining room which he uses as a computer room is a complete and utter TIP with all his stuff lying around. So it's not even as if he is genuinely OCD about tidyness, it seems like he just looks for an excuse to have a go at me or cause an argument.

[stainesmassif]

I agree 'why' is completely unimportant. Even if you knew why, would he stop? This is a case of why take it? Life is vvv short. Move on.

[SlugBotherer]

The house is in his name - I'm tenant in common (I was unemployed at the time of securing a mortgage and they rejected it because of me so he got it in his name only). I was warned against doing this but before we moved in together properly he seemed like butter wouldn't melt kinda guy! The idea was we'd live together in this house for two years and then when the mortgage deal needs redoing I'd go onto it then as I'd be working by then and we already have the house so don't have to worry about being turned down (as if we'd been turned down before we would have lost the amazing deal we got on this house).

Anyway, we moved in to the house, the very next day I found his divorce papers saying she divorced him because he was controlling, possessive, verbally (and very occasionally physically) abusive and would often tell her that she should be grateful she had someone to feed and clothe her. I read it and thought "mr slug?? nah no way .... "

But now I'm starting to wonder. But you see because I'm in a bit of a vulnerable position now (legally I would probably be up shit creek without a paddle if we split regarding the house) I more so feel inclined to keep him happy and I think he knows this :-( Feeling so unhappy right now.

[chipmonkey]

Why isn't he bothered about keeping YOU happy? And I'll bet your poor son isn't happy at all.

[Skintorama]

Why do you keep namechanging to post about him though?

[Skintorama]

And actually you posted about him well before you moved in together and were unanimously told that he's a cock.

[clam]

The question is not "why does he do this?" (he's a bullying twat) but why do you tolerate it?

Do you want to live like this? No? Then sort him out (and fight back) or LTB.

[ImperialBlether]

Have you written about this before, OP? I remember the bit about the tenants in common and the mortgage. Surely you didn't completely disbelieve the ex wife's statement?

[cestlavielife]

what does the land registry say?
his name but you as tenant in common isnt clear.

whatever you do he will never be happy.
his happiness is in his ahnds.
yours is in yours. struggling to keep him happy wont make you happy.
get out now and life freely

[Sparklysilversequins]

On average it takes a physically abused woman being hit 7 times before she leaves.

It's hard to leave an abusive relationship. I posted for years, name changed and all about mine before I found the strength but I did and it WAS with MN's help.

I don't think it's all helpful to keep carping at the OP that she's posted before and been advised to leave before. Clearly she is not in the right head space to do it yet. Maybe it's frustrating to you but at least you're not living like that. She doesn't post, get told to leave, goes and everyone pats themselves on the back that they sorted out this situation. It doesn't work like that. She still needs the support.

I think the most awful thing would be if she didn't feel she could post anymore because everyone is sick of hearing about it.

[NameThatTuna]

sparkly I agree with you, honestly. But this poster has been starting thread after thread since she met him, within a few weeks in fact. The red flags were there from the beginning. She knew it, every poster who replied knew it, but she has carried on regardless tying herself and her DS to this man.

[PoppyField]

Dear OP,
It is not your job to keep DP happy. Does he care whether you're happy? No. So why are you scurrying around thinking that if you only did your job a little bit better everything would be alright? He has you on a wheel. Think about that.

And if you still think making him happy is your job, then he is obviously doing everything in his power to make sure you fail. This is how he is making you feel isn't it? He wants to make you feel useless and a failure. What a prize.

He has engineered a situation re: moving into HIS house, where you feel more powerless and less entitled. No surprise he was much nicer f before you moved in together. Now he's got you where he wants you and your name's not even on the deeds!

He's a scumbag and you should leave him.

[Blu]

OK, Slug, I have to withdraw my advice to try counsellling.
I am afraid he really is behaving in an abusive manner.

Remember that the main effect of being with an abuser is that the emotional abuse undermines your very strengh and self-confidence to either challenge or leave.

This may be what is happening to you - he has now put you in a very vulnerable position, making it harder (in your head - it may not be in actuality) for you to leave him.

He is setting you up to fail - you can't win if you work, you can't win if you don't - so you are always made to feel on the wrong foot.

But inside you KNOW he is wrong - that's why yopu posted. See it written down ionblack and white and you can see how you are doing all you could do and more, and he is being aggressive to you.

OF COURSE he was butter wouldn't melt. a) that's how he got you feeding out of his hand and b) it's another head-fuck: "I must be in the worng because he is so sweet".

I am really worried that he is criticising your DS and your parenting of your DS.

It can take a long time to see what is happening, but the bottom line is if you are not happy, wjhet is there to stay for?

You have managed without him before, you cna do so again, and all the better for not having to deal wth constant criticism and thngs which undermione you.

Seriously, I fea for your vulnerable little boy.

But I agree you need support.

Contact Women's Aid or look on line at their signs of abuse list.

Good luck to you.

[Xales]

Everyone warned you not to move in with him and what would happen. It's happening.

So what are you going to do about it?

[Spero]

I read something very interesting by Dorothy Rowe about people who can't or won't get help. It is not that they are happy where they are but in a perverse way they are comfortable, the situation is 'known' and familiar so they don't leave it. They are afraid of something new, more than they are unhappy with the old.

If you keep posing the same kind of story and getting the same kind of comments, what do you think is appending here op?

[Bogeyface]

I cant help feeling that all these messages are a waste of time.

You post again and again about this man and never do anything about it!

[NameThatTuna]

It seems OP is only interested in messages confirming he's a twat, as she replies to those.

But when there are messages asking what she is going to do about it, she leaves the thread.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

You're being an awful example to your children living with this man and putting up with his shitty ways.

He's abusive, what must your children think?

[whitesugar]

Please read slugs post in aibu about moving her DS to another school because he is so bold. I am livid! Slug, your DS is crying out for your help and you fail to mention he is living in torment with that prick. I am totally fucking speechless. My son has many issues but we will live on the street before I would let anyone treat him the way you let that prick treat your son under your own roof. Stop being so fucking self indulgent and put your child first.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

The legal position - have you checked? Don't assume the worst, just because you have and are being programmed to think you deserve it.

[balia]

I echo Xales's question. you ask 'why does he do that?' but the real question is why do you do it? Why are you treating yourself and your child this way?

[Chubfuddler]

You say you love him. Why? Serious question. He doesn't sound very loveable.

He sounds exactly like the man described in his ex wife's divorce petition. Because that is who he is.

[whitesugar]

Slug I know I sound angry, I am hoping I will shock you out of of the notion that all is well. 15 years ago my family & friends looked at me in total horror when I told them I was going to try and work it out with my then H. At that point my sister was looking at me covered in bruises after being thrown down stairs & kicked around the kitchen. I know what denial is, I just hope I can prevent you from going there. You can leave and when you do things will slowly get better.

[MrsOakenshield]

I notice the OP has started 4 threads today, this one, 2 about your Dss's and one about your DS. What's going on OP?

[Mindyourownbusiness]

I don't understand your 'tenant-in-common' statement OP.
But a t-i-c owns a percentage of the property whether it be one percent or ninety nine.
So it cant all be in his name - you must have part ownership/be on the mortgage. I doubt a mortgage company would let someone own a chunk of a property without having an equivalent responsibility for the mortgage repayments??

[Mindyourownbusiness]

Sorry ignore the random 'But' at beginning of second sentence.