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Relationships

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Original poster

Toddlers & divorce

7 replies

LeFreakCestChic · 14/07/2013 22:23

Seeking advice please. we're divorcing and I'm really worried about the effect upon our kids (14, 8 and 2) particularly the toddler, now that we're sorting out childcare arrangements.
I've heard that kids between 0-4 shouldn't spend any significant time away from the person who looks after them most, and that would be me, as it can cause distress, instability etc. Has anyone been through this? Can toddlers spend 2 nights away from mums safely?

OP posts:

FennCara · 14/07/2013 23:12

I have a one- and a three-year-old, they spend two nights with their dad now.

They seem fine, always happy to see him, generally seem to cope with two homes. I don't know how it will be when they're older.

I guess it depends on the parent/child relationship. How close is your youngest to their dad?

DHtotalnob · 14/07/2013 23:21

I have an almost 5yo and an 18m.
I limited their time away to one night because the little one was so small. Then I was in hosp so she had to stay away for 3nights.

She was fine. The issues came when I came home - conclusion is that it's best to limit the number of 'good-byes' rather than the actual time away.

angel1976 · 15/07/2013 07:39

LeFreak If your 2-year-old is going to their dad's with the older ones, I imagine he/she will much rather he/she is going with their siblings than being left at home. I've read an article where it says the under-5s are the ones least affected by a divorce if the divorce is conducted in an amicable way... They are the ones that will accept the changes as status quo rather than questioning it (which your older ones might...).

FWIW, mine are 3 and 5 and they've accepted they now have two homes n spend time with mummy n daddy (3 months separated) separately unquestionably. I atone the questions will come when they are older but we'll deal with that when it happens!

Dahlen · 15/07/2013 07:48

It really won't hurt your toddler to spend 2 nights with your X as long as she has a good relationship with him. If he was never that hands-on before you broke up, then it's not as advisable and he needs to start off more slowly and work up to it.

Original poster

LeFreakCestChic · 15/07/2013 12:20

Thanks for your replies. Am absolutely absolutely dreading the whole thing and the potential effect upon the kids. It's just all shit.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 15/07/2013 14:16

of course it is safe if the person looking after them is safe to be with.

is ther eany reason why toddlers dad should not be a safe and caring person ?

focus more on the older ones - make sure you answer their quesitons honestly . your two year old will be fine if you are.

depends why you divorcing tho eg if there been abuse or violence it s different.
if he is hands on dad and been invovled then there is no reason why toddler should not spend two nights way with him.

you could ask your h to attend parenting apart classes or relate to talk about the issues constructively and have a good divorce ask gp what is available locally

angel1976 · 15/07/2013 14:21

LeFreak Been there and done that! It's not a path I would have chosen for myself or the kids but there goes... I've done lots of reading about the effects of divorce on children and the general advice is to give age-appropriate responses and keep it all very amicable in front of the kids (trust me, it's not easy but it CAN be done). If the childre asks about STBXH, I keep all my responses about him very factual and un-emotive.

Example:
DC: When are we seeing Daddy again?
Me: You know you see Daddy every Wednesday and this (or next) weekend.
DC: But we want to see Daddy now.
Me: You will see him on Wednesday.

And so on and so on.

There are some books you can get off amazon for the kids to help them deal with the concept of parents separating. My two are only little so I got 'Two Homes' (will be very good for your 2-year-old as it explains the concept of having two homes very simply) and 'Dad and Mum Glue', this one is sadder and probably more appropriate for the older ones (maybe the eight-year-old?). The Family Book by Todd Parr describes all sorts of different families so deals with the issue indirectly. I would recommend that for the little one as well. Best of luck, it's not an easy thing to do but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, both my kids seem to have adjusted amazingly well and I would like to think that's because both my STBXH and I put their welfare first and foremost...

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