Please help! Ive been with partner for 4years and we have a 2yr old and a 7 month old. We settled down in a rush when got pregnant - didn't really know each other well enough (in hindsight) but were happy. The little ones are just great so in many ways I (we) are happy. Or we should be... Our whole domestic arena has become a battlefield. When first child was still baby, I realised that partner had terrible temper, when put fist through wall. I thought it was just "one off" and he apologised (he had been drinking) and we just carried on as normal. Several similar "incidents" have ensued, and the relationship has stumbled on with good times interspersed with really bad ones. I'm not perfect, I have put pressure on him for lots of things like helping around the house (he is one of those pampered boys that can barely do anything for himself - and takes great umbridge if he "attempts" something and is told of a better way to do it - no matter how nicely.) In my opinion all he wants to do is watch tv, sit about reading comics, prioritise "fun" over all practical domestic tasks. I feel like he is a big child and I also feel enslaved to look after him, the house, children, etc.
So we went for counselling. After a couple of sessions the counsellor suggested looking into the domestic abuse side of things. I wasn't really bothered about labelling it as such. Prior to going, partner was saying that he would own up to the anger and temper issues. I really thought that would help, as things now seem to just flare up at the drop of a hat. The counsellor said that there was abuse, that we were both doing it to each other, and recommended putting a "safety plan" into place. We both have a slightly different cycle that we get into during these arguments (he- angry me-upset). The plan was to take responsibility for ourselves by noticing when we were feeling angry/upset, giving a signal to the other and going to a place where we could be until we were ok again. So far so good. I was in my safety plan on the first night, and the second, and several more times too. He just didn't go. He was still getting angry, though. Shouting, arguing, slagging me off and being generally horrible. Week after week he would go back to the counselling and be quite plausible - he didn't understand, excuse after excuse. Last tuesday morning, after he lashed out banging a table, I put my safety plan to action. He was angry and interrupted me and started shouting at me. Both children also there. He said he was going out. (I had just told him I was taking one child for appointment so needed him to take other one.) So I said if you're going then don't bother coming back. As I said, I was in my "cycle", and so was he. He phoned on thursday (not to ask how i was - to ask to collect stuff). Met him on Friday - ended in argument - he keeps clinging on to me having to take responsibility for my part (and even when I say I do - he just refuses to talk about his anger). He gets furious and pretends he is perfectly calm when obviously seething. Phoned today saying he wants to come back but when I was firm about needing to get professional help he got really angry on the phone. (And btw he has told me many times I need professional help!) He can't go back to the counselling as he "broke the agreement" by not attending. He says he will be more easy-going and will do something about his anger but I don't believe a word of it - he point blank refuses to even acknowledge when he is angry. Basically- what do I do - I really want to play happy families, there is no-one else and we have many strengths to our relationship - he is just angry, moody and bad tempered with very little reason. But he will not face it head on - he still thinks it's all my fault - "no wonder" is his standard response if I point out he is angry.
Thanks anyone who reads this - I would love a bit of support here,