Morbid sorry - thinking about who could take dd if i died

[bourneville]

I really need to make a will & have started another thread asking how.

But, i've been thinking about who would take dd if i died. (Obv not very likely but you've gotta think about these things don't you.)

I'm a single mum. My relationship with boyf isn't yet serious enough to consider asking him.

The obvious choice is my parents, who we are very close to, they live a bus ride away, we see them once a week/fortnight, dd adores them etc etc etc, and i'm sure they assume that they would have custody if anything should happen to me. BUT I just don't feel comfortable having it that way! Obv they are getting older, and when we were little my mum was mentally ill and i would be terrified that she would get ill again if anything should happen to me & dd left with her. Plus my dad has blood pressure problems so in the long term it wouldn't necessarily be a very stable upbringing for dd. Besides, not even the best thing for my parents either, retiring in a few years' time, really starting from what i can see to settle down & enjoy each other's company etc. I also know that my dad's parents were down on their will to take care of us, and that my parents felt the same way about that possibility! weird...

i would love for my dsis to have custody. This sounds awful and prejudiced (esp as i'm a single mum on benefits!) but, she is in a stable relationship, with good career prospects, planning to have her own children in the next 5 years, and even has a flat with the Housing Association - and is family. But when i asked her if she would consider it she freaked out and admitted she really didn't like the idea, just terrified cos she wouldn't have a clue about looking after a child, and of course the fact that it completely changes your life and she didn't want to commit to anything etc etc etc. She also couldn't understand why I felt the way i do about our own parents, they can do no wrong in her eyes.I was sort of a bit hurt, cos i've gotta choose someone and it would turn the world of whoever it is upside down of course. But I want to do what would be best for dd and that i believe is leaving her with my dsis.

Of course, we are only talking about a will & a hypothetical future situation. I know i prob shouldn't even be worrying about this, but a decision's got to be made... Am i fair to feel like this? It's been a while since i spoke to dsis about it, should i ask her again and perhaps explain more fully why i wouldn't want dd left with our parents?

Oh and btw we don't see dd's dad, he lives abroad, though we are in good email contact.

I know it's difficult. DH and I have just decided that we can't die any time soon, which isn't the most constructive solution... actually, we have eventually come up with a guardianship plan but it's a bit complicated and not worth hijacking your thread with...

Once your dsis has children herself she'd probably feel a lot more positive about having your dd if you died, although that doesn't help in the short term.

ask her again and see what she says. If she still isn't sure then ask if she can be named as the person who makes the decision as to who looks after dd, not neccessarily as the person who does. Does that make sense??! We have my sister and dh's sister named as having to make the decision at the time as we felt that with everyones circumstances changing all the time any decision we made now might not be valid at a later date and we didn't want to be changing the will every year.

LeahE yes you're right i'm 90% sure she'd feel differently once she has her own children. I know i would have, i do completely understand how she feels.

zubb, that is a very good idea naming her as the decision maker. Then, of course, if she was happy to by then, she could decide to take dd herself.

Thanks, that seems to have clarified it in my mind already! :) I will speak to dsis again, and if she still doesn't want to say yes, i'll suggest zubb's idea.

Not sure what to do about my parents though. Should I tell them what might be in my will? They would prob be hurt (esp my mum, i have a feeling my dad would understand) that i'd rather dd didn't go to them. I know that of course i'm not obliged to tell them anything but supposing they ever ask? My mum has reminded me a few times that i need to make a will (and has muttered stuff about supposing dd's dad wanted custody - am absolutely certain there's no chance of that!!).

bourneville, I don't think you are being morbid, just practical.

I think you should ask your sister again, especially as you are making a will. If she agrees to be dd's guardian I think she can be nominated in the will.

Sorry this might be a bit upsetting but I do know of a situation recently where a single mum died in a car crash and because there was no will, the child was taken into care temporarily whilst custody was looked into.

As an alternative to your sister, do have a good friend you would happy for dd to live with? Could you discuss it with him/her?

Hmm we haven't done anything about this. I would have either of my nephews (one on DH's side and one on my side) without a second thought. But not sure about who could cope with our two.

I think zubb's idea of naming her as a guardian but not necessarily to have custody of DD is good.

Mercy yes i do have one friend who has been a close friend since i was 11 :), is also in a long term relationship & also trying for their own child, she is a nanny too & we meet up with the children once or twice a week, so i have 100% faith in her ability to look after dd. That would be my 2nd choice, but the fact that she isn't family makes a big difference i think, and would be an even bigger blow to my parents. :( So i decided not to ask her after my dsis had said no and put the whole thing on the backburner for a while...

The idea of a car crash or some such thing terrifies me. Being a single mum makes me feel v vulnerable. I never travel alone late at night any more, for eg - i am aware that i am taking a risk not only with my own life but with dd's too iykwim.

I've been thinking a lot about the same thing because I'd ahte for it to be unresolved if the worst did happen.
My mum physically/ mentally wouldn't be able to cope with having 3 children to look after, plus my stepdad probably would leave her to it.
My dad and stepmum are in Singapore for the next 5 years, my in laws are fantastic but they're both retired and I don't think it's fair to ask them to give it all up. However, if they offered I would love them to do it.
Which leaves dsil who is lovely but can barely look after herself, has no career, partner, house etc or my dsis.
My dsis has said she'll have them but she and he dp are talking about having their own family in a couple of years which would mean they could potentially have 5 kids. I'm not sure if that's fair on any of them.
So, I have no idea either. I would talk to your dsis again and explain exactly why you want her to have your dd.
The only other thought I had was how your dd's dad would feel if she went to your dsis. Not for his approval but you're obviously still in touch so is there any chance he would try to contest your decision? Maybe let him know what decision you've made to help prevent any difficulties. Sorry if that's inappropriate as I don't know anything about your situation with him.

What a shame your sister doesn't feel able to help, I don't have any children but would happily take in any of my 10 nieces and nephews if anything happened to their parents

Agree you should speak to her again, she probably wasn't prepared for the question

Dd has never met her dad, he lives on the other side of the world. He has his own family now, another dd not much younger than dd (hence his good contact, i think it has helped him understand what it's all about!) I really do think it's unlikely he would contest any decision, i think he would know that expecting a young child to up sticks over to the other side of the world to live with ppl she's never met would be extremely unfair! And any judge i'm sure would agree with that wouldn't they! Besides, he isn't on her birth certificate anyway, though i am willing to consider putting him on in the future if it was ever beneficial to do so (eg to give her dual citizenship of both countries).

NAAM, x posts, thanks, yes perhaps you're right. She is a very loving, generous person so i know her freak out was therefore v genuine (she finds it hard to say no), but it prob was a shock to be asked something like that.

tbh i dont blame your sister for being a little freaked out by the question. its not really the sort of thing you want to think about. i would suggest naming your parents and sister as co guardians. that way your parents could care for her the magority of the time with your sister picking up ever increasing amounts of childcare until she feels comfortable to go it alone....but lets face it, unless you plan on walking in front of a bus some time soon there isnt really any great panic

I understand her as well fattiemamma. And that might well be a good arrangement that she cld decide to come to if she was down as guardian, decision maker or whatever. Good idea, thanks.

Although of course ... oh dammit it really does all need explaining to my parents doesn't it!! wld be horrid for them to find out after i'd died without a chance for me to explain why.