Trapped

[sixensix]

Have namechanged. I feel so desperate and can't see a way out. My marriage is over but I can't leave it feel so trapped by finances and having to face the reality. Why did I marry such a selfish immature man. I've messed up my whole life and children's. He's used porn and setting sites for years and I have not left because I am so weak. I have no self esteem. I just feel like a broken person.he has taken everything from me and now I have to end the marriage and destroy my family. I have done everything to give my daughters a stable home and he just won't stop.

You're not responsible for your mother's happiness either. How would you feel if one of your children was being bullied but didn't tell you because they didn't want you to worry? Her life may not have been easy recently but I think she'd be more upset finding out that you kept things to yourself than if you shared. The way to do it is not to present the problem and add to her stress but to announce the solution... what you've decided to do. Fait accompli

If pleasing others is the way you tend to live, you may feel 'selfish' for wanting a better life. It really isn't selfish to make a fresh start. It isn't 'weak' if you find it daunting because making that fresh start requires energy, commitment and resourcefulness.

What small step could you make this morning that will start you down the right road? Finding a solicitor? Booking an appointment with CAB?

I think you need to develop a new mantra to get yourself through this: what I wants matters.

What anyone else thinks, whether they approve, disapprove or are merely downright curious, is not your problem. You don't have to explain, discuss or even inform. "I had my reasons" is all the explanation you to have to give. Anyone with a modicum of life experience and empathy will understand, and if they don't that;s a reason to not keep them too closely involved in your life as you go through this.

You sound as though you've spent the whole of your life worrying about other people's needs. You are probably a coper, someone who is capable and often organises the lives of those around her. Believe me, without someone (i.e. your H) sapping that energy from you (marriage is suppose d to be a partnership, not another parent-child relationship), you will not only cope with this breakup but you will positively soar once it's behind you.

Practically speaking, unless you are going to be taking debts away with you (even that's not insurmountable), you will be fine financially. Despite the coalition's best intentions, there is still a benefits safety net for women in your situation, whether you will be a SAHM or whether you are working. Try the entitled to website to see what help you'll get.

Hope you get through this ok.

Thank you for the advice. You are both right I do worry to much about others and how my actions could effect them which is completely opposite to dh. Yes we are in a parent child relationship in most aspects. It's hard to shrug off behaviour patterns that are so ingrained but I do want to live my own life my way without worrying what others might think.

I am a key worker so have contacted them to see if they could help by buying more equity in my house which would reduce my mortgage. Dh has agreed to leave tonight. How do I explain this to dd?

How old is your DD? Age makes a difference in how much you say.

It's best to keep things simple and factual. If your XH can at least redeem himself by trying his best to be a good father throughout the split it will be a lot easier. You can simply say that mummy and daddy no longer love each other and can't live in the same house anymore so have decided to live separately, but they both love DD - which is a different type of love that doesn't end - and that they will both be there for DD even though life will change.

If you think your X is likely to try to blame you for "splitting up the family" or otherwise not play fair, you may prefer to angle it slightly to "daddy did something that mummy cannot live so mummy and daddy have decided to live separately, etc."

The most important thing to remember is to point out that its not your DD's fault and that your love for her is not conditional on her good behaviour the way it is with an adult.

Not sure exactly how you explain to dd, but I will never forget my boys' reactions when I told them: they both said "what took you so long!?" and did I have any idea what it was like for them all this time.... Different people, somewhat different situation, but just an illustration of an actual reaction. You may be surprised at the understanding you get even from small children.

One of my sisters divorced with twins who were under a year old, and new neighbors turned out to be very helpful to her: they did not ask for any explanation at all, simply said they knew she must have good reasons if she was divorcing with such young cs.

I think most people will react better than you think, even with little explanation. Do tell DD she will still see him... and I do hope he'll be good about that, but if he's not, that's also not your fault.

I feel so awful. How could he throw everything away. DD was upset. She doesn't understand why we don't like each other anymore.

Can anyone tell me this will be okay? Will my daughter get used to not being with her dad everyday? He is the one she wants when she is upset etc...